Bothersome

So, I did go to sleep. Unfortunately, I only slept for a few hours before waking up. After spending two and a half hours trying to fall back asleep, listening to my Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack twice, I have given up for the nonce. Good news though, my friend Jenn Bott had her baby--he was born around 8:55 PM, which is kind of ironic because just around that time I was thinking about her and I even mentioned to my friends that I wondered if she'd had her baby yet. I am so excited for her and I can't wait to see her baby (although I'm sure when I'll be able to go visit her, but hopefully sooner than later). I need to get to work on my cross-stitch baby presents for her. She is actually the one who taught me how to cross stitch, more or less. I love cross-stitching! I generally find it very relaxing and if I cross-stitch while watching a movie it helps me feel productive.

I predict that I will be tired tomorrow/today. I have my doctor's appointment in the morning (and I really hope that corisone shot helps, although it will take a few days). Not that I am trying to self diagnose, but I think I may have restless leg syndrome (RLS, just another to add to the list, I know). My mom's cousin Mary, from whom I learned about Fibromyalgia, has it. I believe my parents thought I might have RLS too, but I was more concerned about understanding my pain and fatigue. But I really do think I have it. I just looked at the symptoms list and yeah. It would also explain the random tingling sort of sensations I've been noticing in my legs recently. I wonder who I'd talk to in order to get diagnosed with it. At some point I need to meet with my primary physician. She's pretty amazing. And she has helped me a lot over the past five years. I'm going to be sad when I have to go find a new doctor (since I can't keep her as my doctor after I get off my current insurance and I'll only be able to have it through August of this year). I am not looking forward to doctor shopping, although I'm sure I'll be limited in some ways by what insurance I end up with.

I'm starting to think I should really find out if I have any sleeping disorders, just for my peace of mind if nothing else. Well, I set up an appointment with my primary care physician. Maybe we can see if we can do something about my sleep. It is something we discussed during my last visit, and I know my sleep hygiene isn't the best ever, but my body not allowing me to sleep at night is just getting plain annoying. If it were a little later I'd call and talk with my parents, and while they are probably awake right now, I don't want to put them behind on their morning routine.

Pain, pain, go away and don't come again another day. No, I know this is my lot in life and I accept that for the most part, but it doesn't change the fact that at times it is difficult to deal with. I'm sure I agreed to these trial in the pre-existence, so I find it reasonable that I should try to endure them cheerfully, but still. "Smile" is my motto even if I don't always live by it.

So, people say they can spend hours on facebook, and I can too, but recently I haven't found it as compelling an attraction. And what to do now. Do I attempt sleep once again, even though I'm not feeling sleepy? Do I pull out a book and read? Spend time picking my fav 5s on facebook? I guess I could keep writing in here, but I think my mental power is waning. Looks like it's time for facebook quizzes... And universe, be kind.

Decisions

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions. Sometimes it is difficult for me to decide what to do with my time. It is not that I cannot think of anything to do, it's more that I can decide what to do out of all the possibilities. What would be the best use of my time? What should I do? What is most important? What would make me the most happy? What would be most productive? What would bring me the most joy? And sometimes as I consider these I also wonder if I even have enough energy to do them? Is that spot of time and spec of energy enough to call my friend? write a thank-you note? watch a movie and work on my cross-stitching? read a book? start typing up my journals? And so on. So what do I end up doing with my time? Well, it depends, but I've got to admit that something I end up spending all my time wondering and doing nothing (not the most productive use of my time, I know).

Faeries are fabulous, just in case you wanted to know.

Both of my arms are currently hurting. That also puts a kink in the "what should I do" question and search. I'm mildly concerned that the carpal tunnel is returning in my right arm (although I never was completely convinced that it was entirely gone in the first place). I am hoping that I can get some answers from my rheumatologist in the next few weeks as I have a couple appointments with him. However, I learned long ago not to expect doctors to have answers. Much of the time, perhaps even most of the time, they don't really have any answers (at least in my experience). Recently I have begun wondering if perhaps I have a sleeping disorder. It seems reasonably possible that my disordered sleeping is not simply caused by my lack of sleep hygiene nor simply my pain interferring with my sleep. Although, perhaps stress is another factor that disturbs my sleep as well. Perhaps I will never know. I'm sure I have been diagnosed with plenty of things already. I usually can't remember them all at any given moment.

Things are looking up for me...at least financially. Barring any more catatrophes or money drains, I'd say I might be able to go to the dentist in May (I need to go to the dentist so that he can glue one of my dental bridges back on--currently it can come completely off. It has been like that for a few months, actually, but I haven't had the time or money to do anything about it. I would also like the dentist to just check to see if I have any cavaties. I used to not have to worry about them, but now that I have had some, I figure it is always good to check to see if there are more and if there are to get them taken care of as soon as possible).

I've often wished for a machine that could scan my entire body and then print out a reading detailing everything that is wrong with my body. Wouldn't that make life much easier. But, at the same time, that might be overwhelming. Finding out too much at one moment might be more than a sane person could deal with. But still. I know a friend who might like such a machine. From what she tells me, she is dealing with something I've dealt with before and that is going to the doctor when you feel awful and having them tell you nothing is wrong--or at least they cannot determine what is wrong with you. Such happenings are extremely frustrating. If they continue over the years you might even begin to question your own sanity. Are you really in pain? Is your mind just making it up? Are you just trying to get attention, despite the fact that you prefer to fade into the background? Are you a hypochondriac? Maybe this is normal since it is normal for you. You also find that many people have no interest in hearing what's wrong with you. Your pain does not hurt them. They may even think you are making it up. Or they might advise you to simply move beyond it and get things done. And so you do, or at least try to as best you can.

I have a sort of theory, or hypothesis, about why my body is falling apart on me at this time. I have been very focused on college and on working toward my goal of graduating from college since I was in seventh grade. So, I have pushed my body and mind as far as I could in order to achieve my goal. I have done whatever I have felt was necessary in order to further my progress. I worked my butt off in high school so that I could get good grades (aka. A's) so that I would get accepted to BYU. Once at BYU I worked as hard as I could to do well in my classes and I tried to keep my academic scholarship as a way to help me be able to pay for my schooling, since I also had a goal of graduating from college without having to take out a loan (I almost made it and have mostly made peace with the fact that I didn't). One summer I worked 60 hours a week. I worked two jobs--8 hour days during the week and 10-hour days on the weekends. I continually pushed my body to wake up early or stay of late in order to finish homework. I carried around my backpack--fitting as much in it as I could before it was just too heavy. So, all this is an introduction to my theory, which is "My body if falling apart on me now because I pushed it so hard to achieve my goal of graduating from college." Now that might seem a little dramatic to some people, but I contiually told my body that it couldn't fall apart on my yet because I really had to finish that semester or I really had to work mucho hours in order to pay for school. And my body wasn't perfect. It broke down bit by bit. By my last semester I was only able to manage four classes and working around fifteen hours a week. And even then I felt like I was falling apart at the seams. Over the years my ability to think and process seems to have diminished. My ability to concentrate has decreased. (and I am not joking) I know that classes get harder as you move up in college; however, it is not just there that my mind and memory have failed me. I've always had some difficulty with remembering things, but in recent years it has gotten worse. Now, I try not to focus too much of my time and attention on this aspect of my life, but it is true. I figure it is wound up in with my other medical problems...most especially I see it as a part of my fibromyalgia. At times I wonder if it is just normal to have this sort of difficulty with remembering things, but I do know that I had a sharper memory as a child, even in high school and my beginning years in college. My memorization skills are failing. I feel like I graduated from college but am not sure of my ability to do anything. Whether it is my mind or body getting in my way. (Yes, I know I've included a number of fragments in today's entry, but I like fragments and I feel like they express what I want them to. I apologize if they annoy or confuse you.)

Confidence is an area I continue to need to work on. I've decided to be done with the previous topic for today, but I shall probably revisit it in the future. Well, my left arm is beginning to complain that I have typed for too long. Or perhaps it is just hurting more and I'm wanting it to hurt less. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you may be pursuing at this time in your life. Amen. Amen. And Amen.