I'm too tired to think of a title

So, changing or getting off of medicines is not a particularly fun experience. Different meds, obviously, cause different reactions. Currently I am getting off of a medicine that I've been taking for a few years. It has helped me a lot and I went through trial and error of a lot of other meds before I found this one. However, it is also quite expensive--especially since there is no generic. With my current insurance and financial situation there is no possible way for me to keep taking it, so I'm getting off of it. Thankfully I am living at home and don't have too many responsibilities. The ones I have are taxing enough. As I get off this med and experience the side effects, it reminds me a lot of a couple other times when I got of a similar medicine. Both were quite difficult experiences. I knew this was coming and I hope for the best. I hope I can stay positive and optimistic. I hope I can face life with courage. These are of course things I always struggle with, but I just have to try to maintain habits and fight against whatever pulls me in an opposite direction. Chemicals in my brain don't have to win.

Experiences such as these help us grow. One of my biggest worries is that I'll be callous towards others. That I'll get so wrapped up in my own world that I can't see things as they truly are, nor be sensitive to the needs of others. I haven't done the greatest in the past, but I shall try to do better in the future.

I shall also strive to have faith and hope in the future. When I moved back home a few months ago, I planned to live here for 8 months and then move back to Utah. While I would still like that, the possibility of it happening is actually rather slim. I'm beginning to accept the idea that I may not be moving back, and even seeing the good in it, the wisdom. I would love to have more faith in my ability to succeed at supporting myself, but it's really hard to do, I'm afraid. So, very hard to do. I would like to try again. But I also realize how expensive that can be, especially if I fail once again. If I could predict how my body would react, that would help. And even then I'm willing to try and push through it. I don't know. I am trying to leave my life in the Lord's hand. Doing as much as I can to plan and do things with my life and pray for His guidance.

It is late and I need to get to bed. My body can always use the rest, if rest I can get. Tomorrow's a new day, another chance. Perhaps I'll do a bit better than today. Maybe I'll at least get one thing done or worked on from my "To Do" list.

Life is good and there is much I can do with mine. I have great potential for good. I need to continually strive to overcome my fears and to reach forth my hand unto my fellow beings.

Today I drove Samuel, my brother, to Harrisonburg, and with the help of my sister Lydia we shopped for stuff for his mission. As we drove home I spent a lot of time thinking about the guy I like. He's a really great guy, which is probably part of why I like him so much.

It will be interesting to see where my life leads me.

I need a title for this post...any suggestions...

Well...Later...

PS I love InDesign! And Clipart's pretty awesome too.

Navigation...Navigating...Navigated...

I've decided I need to get some pictures on my blog, particularly one of me. Which, actually wasn't why I decided to write a new blog post, although photography is a hobby of mine, though I'm not particularly splendid at it. But, why I decided to write, now doesn't seem as demanding a subject, which is a poor reflection on me since I was going to write about the death of a high school boy in my community. It is sad, especially since he has a twin brother, but in my defense I do not know them and am actually fairly removed from the Buena Vista community at the moment. It is rather sad, I know. I think losing someone so close to you, such as a twin would be difficult. I don't have much understanding when it comes to people dying since death hasn't really touched my life much. And, I must admit, that do kind of have a skewed vision of death. See, I moved a number of times as a child. And in general all the people that were near and dear to my heart at the time were separated from me, I had no more contact with them, and while there is always a slim chance that I'd meet them again--it was and is slim. And so in a way, moving is like death. You are no longer in contact, your lives have gone in separate directions. It is true what they say: "You can't go back to when you were happy." All you can do is move forward, though the past will always be a part of you.

In this modern age we have many more ways to keep in contact, and it does help. I mean earlier I was reading Camilla's blog and it was almost like have her near for a moment. Not as wonderful as seeing her in person, but certainly an uplift. But even then, it is pretty much impossible to stay in contact with everyone. It's not that I don't care for people, it's just...I don't even know. I do what I can, I try. I don't know what my future holds. I really have like no clue. It's kind of like walking into the dark and not being sure what's there. It's a bit frightening, though I do not fear per se, since I know the Lord will guide me, but it's kind of scary nonetheless. Plus, I have to do my part and I'm not completely sure what that is exactly, but I'm trying. I do spend a lot of time in pursuits that are perhaps not the most productive of activities. But, I am trying to get better and I am trying to figure out how to navigate my life.

I have many dreams and hopes for the future. I have the future I'd like tucked away in my heart. I would love to be a wife, mother, and author. However, at the moment I am not really close to achieving any of those goals/dreams. So, I'm trying to figure out how to make money to support myself. I have a BA in English. I did minor in editing, and I enjoy book layout and design. I would like to learn more about design and whatnot and have even started considering getting a degree in Graphic Design. Book design is something I enjoy and something that could possibly work out as a job for me. That is good. It all sounds good, right? So, why do I hesitate...well, for one thing, education costs money. I need money in order to get another degree. Getting a degree takes time, thus limiting the time I have to earn money in. If I moved back to Utah Valley, which would be my preference, I'd like to return to interning for Rick Walton, I'd want to got to Leading Edge at least once a week--preferably more, I'd like to work at the temple, and I could always see about interning for Cedar Fort's production department.

And all that doesn't even throw my health issues into the equation. My doctor once asked me if I was sure I could work 40 hours a week. At the time I told her "what other choice is there?" However, since then, I've moved home, because I literally couldn't work enough hours to pay my bills. And I'm really not sure if I could work 40 hours a week. I'd like to think I could. I mean, one summer I worked 60 hours a week the entire summer...unfortunately I believe doing things like that, may have contributed to my body's increased complaints of recent years. Sometimes I wonder if my knowledge of some of what is wrong with me hinders my ability to cope with and navigate through life. Is it "all in my mind"? I'm not sure I have an answer.