Sometimes, somewhat, a hypochondriac

I often worry too much about life and the many things life is made of. I feel quite socially awkward, I stress over making good decisions, and own a decided streak of perfectionism. My abundance of worry often leads me to feel as though I am a hypochondriac.And perhaps I am a hypochondriac...

I think, for a time, I did not worry so much--I knew I had fibromyalgia and arthritis and felt like I had an idea of a direction to go in. Then carpal tunnel hit, which threw me for quite the loop. And now as my arms hurt more and more, I worry. The silliest worry I have involves wondering what will show up next or what is already there but still unknown. Complete and utter nonsense.

I'll admit, regarding my health lately, I've tried to take the ostrich approach--keep your head in the sand and hope for the best. But, like I said, my arms keep hurting more and more. Plus, my digestive system continues to dislike me, having stayed unsettled for a month now. Part of my brain reasons that it is simply the result of going off an SSRI. The other part of my brain worries that something else could be wrong with me--most prominately celiac disease (sparked by the fact that the number of people I know that have it continues to grow). I certainly don't want celiac disease. Do you know how many foods have wheat in them--tons!

One thing that feeds my worry--I did not recognize I had carpal tunnel until it caused me quite a lot of pain--this resulted from the fact that I have other health problems that cause me to experience pain 24/7. Even now, if I didn't have this past year's experience with carpal tunnel, would simply think my arms hurt a lot currently.

Around and around I go. And a merry ride it is...

The New Year is Here!

It is now a few weeks into 2010, and I am doing fairly okay with my new year's resolutions. For example, I walked home from SVU 3 times already. I know that may not seem like much exercising to you, but that is really good for me. Also, while I still haven't earned any money, I have bid on three jobs on elance.com, I may not get any of them, but I'll continue bidding on jobs. Also, have kept up on my indexing--100 names per week. I keep hopeful. I have hope for the future. Hope that I'll be able to earn money, hope that I'll be able to move back to Provo, hope that once back in Provo I'll be able to get a job. I think as far as a job goes I would like one that I can sit down at and one where I can earn enough money to support myself. Some places I've considered looking at for jobs are Nuskin, ancestry.com, Provo City, BYU if there are any jobs open.

I'm only doing so-so with trying to go to bed earlier. It's difficult for me. I've kept up on my Institute reading so far. Hopefully I can continue to stay on track. I'm also still helping with SVU's literary magazine--The Review. We need to get started on production work soon though. This evening I got some more blog mining done for Rick Walton.

I'm still working on cross-stitching Christmas presents. Hopefully people don't mind getting them late. If they do, I'll just tell them it's a New Year's or Valentine's or St. Patrick's etc present. :) Today I watched a cute movie. It is actually one I'd seen before, but forgotten. It's called "The Cowboy and the Lady." I really liked it :) I love watching movies--they make me happy.

I am also trying to be more productive. In pursuit of the goal, the other day I spent an hour typing in writing notes. Ideally I would spend a few hours every day working on writing, but I've got to start where I am and improve from there--slow though the progress may be. I'm also reading this book my dad wants me to read--The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle. It's interesting. It talks about how myelin wraps around the nerves in our brain making it so they can fire quicker and that's how we gain skills--the more we practice (the right kind of practice, mind you) the more the myelin wraps and the better we get at those skills. At least that is my understanding. Reading this book does bring some questions to my mind. For example, how does myelin work for someone who has Fibromyalgia? Does FM affect myelin at all? Since apparently everything is controlled by the nerves in our brain, what are the mechanisms that create the symptoms of Fibromyalgia? I don't expect the book to answer these questions, but it does cause me to think and to wonder.

Well, I won't regale you more on my thoughts and questions sparked by this book. I actually need to decide what I'm going to do the rest of the evening and an episode of "Remington Steele" is sounding mighty nice! I'm so glad Tiffany Draut introduced me to that show! She currently serving a mission in Brazil. I think that's way cool, but am kind of glad that it's her and not me.

Until next time~~~

When You Can't Sleep

So, it's been awhile since I last wrote. I'm sorry that I haven't written much lately, but life is kind of busy and stressful and even overwhelming at times. I have SO much to do before I move home and to get ready to move home. The last couple of days I've started to have people ask me if I'm doing ok. LOL. I usually feel horrible, but generally it is not visible to other people (one of the trademarks of Fibromyalgia). I chatted online with Emily last night, which was wonderful and definitely brightened my day. People have offered help, but it is hard for me to say--I have no energy to prepare food for myself. Would you cook this spaghetti/rice/soup/etc. up for me. It just sounds so ridiculous! But really that would help me. The one person I feel sort of comfortable asking about doing such hasn't been at church the past couple of weeks, so...yeah. Sometimes I still wonder if it is all just in my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I really do have FM, but then as I think about it I always come to the conclusion that I do have it. At times I was successful at reasoning away having depression, but I never seem to succeed with Fibromyalgia (and I did have depression and am still taking medication for it).

So, the reason I'm writing at this early hour is 'cause I can't sleep. Even though I took my sleep meds, still I woke up in the middle of the night (which still happens with my sleep meds), but unlike other times, I can't fall back asleep. After 45 minutes I generally feel that it is pointless to keep tossing and turning and trying to ignore the aching and hurting. So, I turn on my computer (I don't have a booklight yet so I can't read). Now...I'm making some calls.

I'm hungry, maybe I'll go eat some breakfast. TTFN:)

While at work

So, today while I was at work I wrote down some thoughts that I wanted to write in here. So, here it goes. Are you sure everyone else isn't in pain all the time? Maybe only some aren't. It seems like people are often in pain or not feeling well--right? There are plenty others who have backs and heads that hurt--arms, or legs, or ankles, etc. Surely there are plenty others who are in pain all the time. On Friday I went to a massage therapist who looked at and massaged my arms. So now I wonder how much of my pain is caused because of muscles or something like that. Anyways. For the next week he wants me to each night do this thing where I put my arms in ice cold water for 30 seconds, then in warm water for 3 minutes...back and forth six times each. But, I didn't do it last night...part of my folly of last night. I wasn't so smart...I ended up spending lots of hours reading and whatnot...but it wasn't even that great of a book...but whatever...

It seems like I am generally out of it. Me duele la cabeza :(

I was going to write about other stuff but my ability to concentrate is dwindling. Tomorrow I go to that career workshop thing again...I don't want to but I will anyway. Sometimes/often I get annoyed way too easily and it seems like I don't really want to face life currently. I would much rather escape into books and whatnot. And yeah...I think that's all for tonight.

More medical...

So, it's been awhile since I wrote on here. So, my SED rate is 25 now, so my rheumatologist put me on another medicine. I think I need to learn more about anatomy so that I can have a better idea of what is going on with my body. So, I'm starting to keep track of the money I spend on medical expenses, on the off chance that some year they will allow me to get lower taxes or something like that. I haven't got everything for this year in there yet, but it is already over a thousand dollars, so I am well on my way. Whether I make it for this year or not kind of depends on how things go with lowering my inflammation and whether or not any other medical disasters happen in my life or something like that...we'll see, but I figure it is a good idea for me to get in the practice of keeping track of it. I'm also trying to compile as complete a medical record for myself as I can. I usually take notes when I am at the Doctor, but they are scattered here and yon. So, that will be a big project, but I now have Monday off--one of my co-workers needs more hours and she has school off on Monday, so I willing gave it to her. I'll be sure to get in a few hours for Rick Walton. Yesterday I was going to try and get four hours in for him, but I only got three, but then as I was leaving I ran into Valerie Holladay, so that was wonderful. It was good to talk with her and she pointed out that I have good things going on in my life--such as my internship with Rick Walton, so while life is a swirling mass of who-knows-whatsit, I'm surviving...it's kind of like I'm in the middle of a hurricane...So, we'll see what life brings. But apparently this time of life that is so uncertain and whatnot can be good for you...It has been for other authors.

Wow, so that was kind of a long paragraph. Today I woke up hurting a fair bit, and I don't expect that to change much. But I think most of my pain right now it arthritis related, because I think my fibromyalgia pain isn't as bad...partially because most of my pain right now centers around the joints...although I'm not sure that my head it necessarily a joint...but whatever...it always like to hurt and I'm not necessarily sure why it has been hurting so much lately, especially right now. Oh, well. And my lymph nodes have been hurting some, but I figure that can be related to the inflammation. At least that sounds reasonable to me. And I really can't account for all the pain in my body, but that's okay.

Well, I need to get to work on other things, but hopefully it won't be too long a time before I post again. Hasta Luego.

To do, to do, so many things to do

Hi, so sometimes I feel almost overwhelmed by all the things to do. And yet at the same time I feel like I'm accomplishing absolutely nothing. But yeah. I am in a middle sort of state right now...tired and stuff but not necessarily completely and utterly exhausted (unless it just hasn't hit me yet, which is possible). Today I read more about fibromyalgia. I have lots more to learn about it. I don't know where to start with writing tonight. You might just get a bunch of random statements all strung together. Tonight I listened to a spiel about becoming a Mary Kaye consultant. I actually found it quite compelling and may look into doing it in a few years, but not right now when my life is such a mess (not that it will ever not be a mess, but perhaps less up in the air). It seems like my left arm is still hurting some, but the doctor did say I don't need to wear it 24/7 starting tomorrow. I need to make a decision about whether or not I'll still wear it at work. One of my customers recommended I still wear it at work. At time I am surprised how much some of the customers remember about what I've told them about my arm. It's kind of crazy, but we have lots of good customers at Day's. They are one of the good things about my job.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by just the simple things I need to do, like take a shower, get ready for bed, sleep, wake up in the morning, get going. You know, regular old stuff like that. Then if you add in things I want to do...well, in short, the list never ends. Never will everything be done. The other day I thought how my life now is not really what I thought it might be like ten years ago. Yes, I did graduate from college. But I didn't go on a mission nor am I married. I often forget what age I am. I often think the wrong age. Like just now when I was trying to figure out how old I was 10 years ago, all I could think was 7th grade and then when I tried to think how old I am now I was about to write 25, but I'm actually not 25. I've always been rather confuseded (and yes the double "ed" is purposeful. I sometimes/often randomly add extra "ed"s to words in my mind, so if I am to write what I'm thinking, well, basically I included the double "ed" but only in my journal, and now here) about my age. I've generally felt older than I am, more around Nathan's age. It kind of confuses me up, but that's okay.

Did you know you can only have 200 characters worth of labels per post, how silly is that. I found that out last post. Anyways. Life is interesting. Yesterday in church the speakers spoke about being positive admidst adversity. And it seems like someone said something like "Rather than seeking to do what you enjoy, seek to enjoy what you are doing." I think there is some wisdom in that. I was thinking about that today and wondering where pain fits into the equation. I guess I can try enjoy being in pain, but so far it's not working too well. I can better understand the suggestion (from Inside Fibromyalgia) to laugh at the times when fibro-fog messes with your life. Let me try to explain what fibro-fog is. I realize that plenty of people have these same sort of things happen to them, but when you have fibromyalgia it is a bit different (in my opinion, of course). So I'm debating whether I should just quote from the book or try to explain it by giving examples from my own life...well the second sounds more fun, so here we go.

Do you ever have to question which is you left or right side? I do. Are you constantly forgetting names and words? I am. Do you frequently find it difficult to concentrate? I do...in fact I've discovered that so often do I have fibro-fog that I often cannot read more complex books. Sometimes my mind is too tired to even read simple things. Not remembering things is a constant sort of state for me. My mind goes blank all the time too. There are times at work when I can't remember what button to push--for example, I have a check in my hand and can't remember what button to push (note: the correct button to push is the one that says "check" on it). There are many a time when I cannot do simple addition. Or say I have a quarter in my hand and I can't quite figure out which spot in my drawer to put it in--I look at them and my mind doesn't compute. But that's okay, 'cause apparently that's normal for people with fibromyaligia (FM). And I learned through my reading today that it does not mean my brain is failing...it just means the pain is interfering with the normal thinking process.

Now that I've gone on and on about fibro-fog lets move to something else...not sure what though. Hmmm...Any ideas...It is true that I should get going...go take a shower, get ready for bed, attempt sleep. Have you ever been poor? I wouldn't necessarily classify myself as poor but money is rather tight...which is actually pretty normal for me. I'm not very good with my spending habits...or with finances in general to be honest. It is definitely an area I need to improve in...along with all those other areas. I like reading. Reading's mucho fun. I like water, too. It tries to make my mouth and throat not so dry. It doesn't really succeed, but that's okay, at least it tries and works for a nanosecond. There are some things you shouldn't toss...I was just about to try and toss a plate from my bed to a chair...luckily I didn't, since it belongs to a friend of mine. Anyways. I often experience lots of random aches and pains. And while that is normal, at times it worries me some...especially after all this bruhaha with carpal tunnel.

While I'm sure you are sitting on the edge of your seat to hear about all my random aches and pains (not that I could begin to remember even half of the ones I've experienced today), I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint you and instead try and make myself stop writing and go take a shower or at least do something a little more productive. Oh, guess what I thought of last night as I was trying to fall asleep. (background info--I want to be an author, and I often write down things on random pieces of paper as they come to my mind). So, I thought it would be cool if I could record myself singing "Just start typing, just start writing" to the tune of "Just keep swimming" from Finding Nemo. And have it set on my computer so that it would repeat that recording every half hour or so. Wouldn't that be awesome...and a great reminder. I like it. We'll see if it ever happens though. I love the music I'm listening too right now--the soundtrack to Ever After (I love that movie!). Wow, my left arm is definitely starting to hurt some. I guess that's the signal for me to stop writing--¡Qué triste! The pain goes up my arm and into my shoulder...owy. Well, now it really is time to go...Ta Ta For Now (TTFN) {Tiffany Oaks taught me that one =)}

Tonight's post might be another one you want to skip. I haven't slept well lately, so by the time I get on here my mind is rather deadish. I can't even really think of what to write about. That is how dead my mind is. It is a fairly common occurrence for me (which made writing papers and doing homework doubly difficult). I hear the cure for writers block is to just keep writing though so maybe the same is true of the times when I feel like my brain isn't functioning. Sometimes I wonder how much of my difficulty thinking is caused by pain and how much by other forces such as lack of sleep. Perhaps, it is simply normal...no, I think not. Maybe I will learn more about it as I read up more on Fibromyalgia (I've let that slip lately, but I shall try to work at it...along with all the other things I need to work on).

I absolutely love books. I love reading books, I love owning books. I love libraries and bookstores. On amazon.com I have numerous wishlists that I fill with books that look interesting. Hundreds, perhaps even thousands of books. There are many books I hope to one day read. A few of my favorite authors are Gail Carson Levine, Jessica Day George, Anne McCaffrey (her Pern books!), Tamora Pierce, and Brandon Sanderson. I could go on forever listing authors I love--Jane Austen, Arthur Conan Doyle, Jenny Hansen, Marcia Lynn McClure, and Elizabeth Mansfield. One of my favorite types of novels are fairytale spin-offs. And I am a big fan of "happily ever after." And can't forget Dan Yates, Orson Scott Card, and Tolstoy, to say nothing of Madeleine L'Engle, Jane Yolen, and Patricia Wrede. (And Ursula K. LeGuin).

I was just reading back through that last paragraph and it certainly is not well-crafted, but that is what this blog is for--for me to write without letting myself get caught up in its imperfections. That is something that is a major block for me when it comes to writing. And of course the fear that what I'm writing is utter junk--junkabajunk even. I really did name this blog well, if I do say so myself. Perhaps sometimes I can take a jab at writing a quick something as part of this blog. A scene, a story idea, something. Google book is another wonderful tool. I love that I can access full text of some books. I like it very much and it came in handy when writing some of my research papers. Well, time continues to march on and I need to go and make some decisions...how soon should I start trying to fall asleep, should I take meds, etc. Signing off...And good night.