A New Year Resolution

It is a new year, and with it comes New Year Resolutions. My family has a tradition where we make a gingerbread house. We go around the room stating New Years Resolutions. After we say a resolution we get to break off and eat a piece of the gingerbread house. This is one of my favorite family traditions and one that gets me to New Years Resolutions.

Now, one of my goals for 2013 is to finish the first draft of the Sleeping Beauty spin-off that I am working on. When I set the goal I honestly had reservations about my ability to complete this goal, thinking that perhaps reaching chapter 10 of the draft would be a more reasonable goal (I'm working on chapter 3 right now), but I set the lofty goal all the same. The following Monday for Family Home Evening Jason, my husband, decided we should plan out how we were going to accomplish our goals for the year.

I was a bit daunted and overwhelmed by how to figure out how to accomplish this goal. In the past I have tried setting an amount of time to write. That didn't work too well and was difficult to track. I just wasn't sure how to do it. Then Jason showed me how he'd set up his goals. He'd split them up into steps. Do this in the first quarter of the year, expand on in second and so forth. That idea caught hold and my plan was born - start in the first quarter writing once a week, and then increasing the days of writing per week each quarter. I think this might work. At this point, writing at least once a week can be challenging with my busy schedule, but the two times I have sat down and written have been rewarding.

Today I wrote 500 words, bringing me up to 5,000 words for the manuscript. I also reread through what I had already written and made some edits. Surprisingly, I feel it is decently good. It's not perfect, but the idea and story feels solid to me. It is a story I've have bouncing around inside of me since high school and I guess now is its time to get released. I've never finished a manuscript for a novel before, but hopefully this will be the time. I've done a lot of thinking over the years, but not as much doing. To see my goals come to fruition will require work. Work I want to put in. I hope my commitment and desire will remain strong. This is definitely not a goal I want to fall by the wayside (though that is true of all my goals for this year).

Happy New Year!

New Years is Coming...

Today I spent the day in dreamland--literally. I have many dreams, hopes, and goals for the new year. For example, I'd like to earn money--that's a goal, and a hope. I dream of moving back to Provo. I have a goal to exercise two to three times a week. And many more. But all of these seem hard, almost overwhelming when looked at in the context of my life. Now, I'm sure I have a tendency to make problems appear where there are none, and I know I allow my fears to trip me up...I know it's silly to let life overwhelm me like it so often does. What I need to do is have patience and trust in the Lord. Yet I can't leave everything up to the Lord.

I did achieve one goal this month--I made, in time for Christmas, presents for each person in my family that would be home (I still have to make Byron's).
My arms and entire body hurt much more than they did a month ago, but I accomplished something and proved to myself that I am not a complete coward and wimp. However, I am still in a quandary as to how far I can reasonably push myself.

Lately I've played a lot of the game Jungle Jewels. I've actually been playing it as I write this post, whenever I get to a point where I'm not sure what to say next...like right now:)

It feels good to work towards and accomplish a goal, but sometimes I need help beyond my own. Yet, I can't expect daily, or even biweekly help from people. Unfortunately it is too much to ask for continuous help. Life gets busy, things happen, and so I need to be my own help, I guess. My own champion. Rewards can help, but it works better when it comes from an outside source. Punishments are even harder.

Now I'm playing on Pixiehollow.com :>) I love how beautiful Pixie Hollow is!



I've frittered away the day in sleep and the evening in play, but perhaps tonight I can get something done (like starting work on Byron's Christmas present) while I watch TV and movies. Before I do that though, I want to do some indexing (indexing.familysearch.org)

As I've done blog mining for Rick Walton, I've not found blogs with lots of writing advice and links, I've also discovered how awesome blogs can be. I've looked at some pretty nice ones. All the ones I've been looking at I've found though www.asuen.com/blog/blogroll.shtml.

I really like Marcia Lynn McClure's books. Lately I've been in the mood for them. I'd love to buy more of her books, but I'm broke, so I'll just have to reread the ones I have:) They are not the most literary of books, but they are fun and enjoyable to read. Plus they make me happy:) She is such a fun and happy person:) I like buying her ebooks since I get them almost immediately. But I also really like physical copies of her books too. But enough about Marcia (www.marcialynnmcclure.com/).

I really do want to get some indexing done before I start watching tv and movies for the night. So to you I shall say "good night." :)

Variousness

Another day is almost done. Today after church I went up to Pleasant Grove, UT, and recorded some of the memories my mom's uncle Milton has of my mom's parents. It was very enjoyable. Life can be crazyish, but that's okay. Sometimes it is difficult to decide what to do with my time. I think part of my problem is wanting it to be the "BEST" use of my time.

Do you ever feel like you're failing at life? I do. Especially when I hear my roommates talking about what they do and have done in life and what they expect others to do. And that's where I fail. But whatever. I'm just going to try and keep my life in line with the Lord and try to live so that I am always worthy for His advice. I mean there is some good things in what they're saying, but I guess I feel like their words are condemning me and yeah, so yeah. I guess my mindset is what is messed up.

"Someday my prince will come..." and he won't be perfect, but I'll love him and he'll love me and with a lot of work we'll be happy. Life will continue to be quite hard...but we'll make it, with the Lord's help. I'm willing to be patient though. I don't expect I'll get married anytime soon. It is something I look forward to in my life, and something I want to work towards, but yeah.

"Learn to take advice from people who care about you, even if you don't use it..." or something like that...I just heard my roommate Jesse say it, I'm not sure if I got the part after the comma right though--but it was that basic idea.

This last week wore me out quite a lot. And caused my carpal tunnel to flare up...oh well. I'm not working much this next week though. But, I still need to try and get a bunch of stuff done!

I need to decide what time I'm going to go to bed tonight. And what time I'm going to try and get up tomorrow. I should really try to get on a better sleep schedule...but things like not getting home from work until midnight doesn't help any. I keep getting scheduled 7 AM-4PM one day and 4-11:30PM the next. Luckily I've had coworkers who will trade or take the 7AM shift for me. I'm not too fond of getting up that early.

I like writing. I need to do it more often and be more diligent about it. Take small steps if needed, but I need to keep taking steps! Just small steps...over and over and over, until I reach success. It's a long road, but I do believe I can set and reach achievable goals. We had a lesson in Relief Society today about making goals and taking actions and whatnot. One girl quoted Yoda--"Do or do not, their is no try."

Sometimes I think we could all be a bit more tolerant. I know I need to work on being less judgemental and whatnot. "Judge not that ye be not judged."

I hope I can get my car fixed this week. I hope to take it in on Tuesday. Especially since it is getting hotter and not even being able to have the fan on makes it even more hot in my car (I don't have AC). We'll I guess I'm going to get going...Hasta Luego.

Up and beyond...

So, I think it's about time to write another post. Nathan says my posts sound like me, so that's a good thing I think. I am discovering that it is kind of difficult to type on my laptop with two arm braces on...oh-well, I'll just have to do the best that I can. I'm not really sure what to write about. Any ideas? No, well, that's okay.

Sometimes I think I'm a rather silly person. You might wonder why I say this, but I'm not sure how much proof of it I'm willing to give you. I could start with some of my theories/hypotheses/ideas. I think it is reasonable to think that there is the possibility of there being more than one universe out there, far beyond our sight. That might sound unreasonable to you, but it makes sense in my mind. Emily Olson once told me that I have "uncommon" sense rather than common sense. At times I think she is right. I do realize that the very nature of the word "universe" denotes that there is only one, but that is just because men made up the word. There is so much out there we don't know. And as I've mentioned before, sometimes I can dream pretty big--the possibility of there being more than one universe being one of those.

I love the stars and galaxies...outer space in general. That is perhaps one of the reasons why I am so attracted to the genre of science fiction/fantasy (and that is my favorite genre). I have met people who have no curiosity about space, that stars, none of that! I love pictures of space. They are so wonderful and amazing and beautiful. I'd love to do paintings based on them someday. I love Gustav Holst's The Planets--amazing music!!! I especially love Jupiter Hymn--the French Horn part is absolutely beautiful. {Note: sorry if any of you reading this are editors or grammar Nazi's, while I did minor in editing...I'm more into substantive editing rather than copyediting, plus this blog is more about just writing, without allowing things--such as making grammar mistakes--to impede the flow of writing. The goal is to just write...and to not worry about perfection.}

Do you want to know something that is mildly annoying...the limited choices when it comes to the design of blog profiles. If I knew how, I'd make my own design, unfortunately I don't know how, so I deal with the choices I've got. I actually really like design. I would love to work in the art or production department of a book publisher. I think that would be pretty awesome, but who knows where I'll end up working. I mean, I enjoy working at Day's Market, but it is hard on my body and I need a "real" job, plus I really could use benefits...aka...health insurance. I really don't know what I am going to do come Fall when I can no longer be on the BYU extended health plan. No idea. Oh well. Hopefully I'll figure something out. I have a tinsy bit more time before then. No need to worry too much. (Yes, I'm a bit of a worry wort.)

I like how when I get started writing I can often write and write on and on...unless I'm completely out of it...and then who knows what you might get. I enjoyed band in high school (this might sound like a non sequitur to you, but the thing is I'm listening to music on the "Gustav Holst" station I just created on my Pandora radio accout and yeah...) I really like the sound of band music, and I've always wondered why we don't have more bands and band music...I mean there is plenty of music by orchestra's and I do know that they include the band insturments and the music is great, but it just isn't the same thing! I also really like marching band music. But back to band music, I'd love to get ahold of recordings of the music we played in high school as done by professionals and just in general, band music (sorry if I'm not explaining all of this very well).

My goal for this evening is to not fall asleep, 'cause if I do, then I won't be able to fall asleep tonight and the cycle begins once again... So, I need to decide what else I am going to do this evening. Some thought on the matter turns up ideas like designing the cross-stiching for presents for Jenn's baby, work on typing up my journals, put things in my personal history, and of course, reading. A movie always sounds delicious, too (In recent times I have found myself misapplying words that are associated with one sense or another and it just feels right, so if I use words as I did in the sentence I just wrote, well...I figure I'm not going to fight it since it feels like the right word). The "feel" of things that I pay attention to. This is not necessarily a tactile feeling, hence the quotation marks. It is more like the feeling evoked--the feel of things.

I don't like it when I start having pain in the collar bone area. It happens rather frequently though. I try to not spend too much time concerning myself with all the various aches and pains and wierdness I feel in my body, yet it still consumes a large amount of my thoughts. I used to be better at putting such things from my mind. But getting carpal tunnel caused an awakening. Things I assumed were normal or transitory ended up being something mildly serious. (One of my friends, Camilla, once told me that I'm rather whimsical...or actually I think she was refering to my artwork...but still...I'd never thought of it that way, but I find it fits or at least feels like a word that fits me.) It is interesting to watch and see how different thoughts and turns of conversation are triggered [to avoid using the passive tense I should have writtten the previous sentence as "I find it interesting to watch and see what triggers differnt thoughts and turns of conversation."] I once worked with a girl (Brittany, it was when I worked for the BYU Conference Center Custodial) who would trace back our conversations to see how we arrived at our end result. It was rather fascinating but not something I'd generally be willing to spend my time and energy on, especially since I sometimes my memory stuggles some. But at other times I can remember lots of random things and can remember some things really well. It is one of those kind of oximoron sort of things that become difficult to explain since they seem to condradict each other. Although, it often seems to me like lots of things seem to contradict each other and then I start getting confused and people tell me I'm making things harder than they really are. The end result...well, I'm not sure what the end result is, but you're probably getting tired of this post...so I guess I shall close with...Hmmm...what's a good closing statement...if it comes to me it probably won't be until some random time and then I'll forget it, so we'll just have to go with, bland/boring/usual/random/whatever--"When you wish upon a star..."

Decisions

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions. Sometimes it is difficult for me to decide what to do with my time. It is not that I cannot think of anything to do, it's more that I can decide what to do out of all the possibilities. What would be the best use of my time? What should I do? What is most important? What would make me the most happy? What would be most productive? What would bring me the most joy? And sometimes as I consider these I also wonder if I even have enough energy to do them? Is that spot of time and spec of energy enough to call my friend? write a thank-you note? watch a movie and work on my cross-stitching? read a book? start typing up my journals? And so on. So what do I end up doing with my time? Well, it depends, but I've got to admit that something I end up spending all my time wondering and doing nothing (not the most productive use of my time, I know).

Faeries are fabulous, just in case you wanted to know.

Both of my arms are currently hurting. That also puts a kink in the "what should I do" question and search. I'm mildly concerned that the carpal tunnel is returning in my right arm (although I never was completely convinced that it was entirely gone in the first place). I am hoping that I can get some answers from my rheumatologist in the next few weeks as I have a couple appointments with him. However, I learned long ago not to expect doctors to have answers. Much of the time, perhaps even most of the time, they don't really have any answers (at least in my experience). Recently I have begun wondering if perhaps I have a sleeping disorder. It seems reasonably possible that my disordered sleeping is not simply caused by my lack of sleep hygiene nor simply my pain interferring with my sleep. Although, perhaps stress is another factor that disturbs my sleep as well. Perhaps I will never know. I'm sure I have been diagnosed with plenty of things already. I usually can't remember them all at any given moment.

Things are looking up for me...at least financially. Barring any more catatrophes or money drains, I'd say I might be able to go to the dentist in May (I need to go to the dentist so that he can glue one of my dental bridges back on--currently it can come completely off. It has been like that for a few months, actually, but I haven't had the time or money to do anything about it. I would also like the dentist to just check to see if I have any cavaties. I used to not have to worry about them, but now that I have had some, I figure it is always good to check to see if there are more and if there are to get them taken care of as soon as possible).

I've often wished for a machine that could scan my entire body and then print out a reading detailing everything that is wrong with my body. Wouldn't that make life much easier. But, at the same time, that might be overwhelming. Finding out too much at one moment might be more than a sane person could deal with. But still. I know a friend who might like such a machine. From what she tells me, she is dealing with something I've dealt with before and that is going to the doctor when you feel awful and having them tell you nothing is wrong--or at least they cannot determine what is wrong with you. Such happenings are extremely frustrating. If they continue over the years you might even begin to question your own sanity. Are you really in pain? Is your mind just making it up? Are you just trying to get attention, despite the fact that you prefer to fade into the background? Are you a hypochondriac? Maybe this is normal since it is normal for you. You also find that many people have no interest in hearing what's wrong with you. Your pain does not hurt them. They may even think you are making it up. Or they might advise you to simply move beyond it and get things done. And so you do, or at least try to as best you can.

I have a sort of theory, or hypothesis, about why my body is falling apart on me at this time. I have been very focused on college and on working toward my goal of graduating from college since I was in seventh grade. So, I have pushed my body and mind as far as I could in order to achieve my goal. I have done whatever I have felt was necessary in order to further my progress. I worked my butt off in high school so that I could get good grades (aka. A's) so that I would get accepted to BYU. Once at BYU I worked as hard as I could to do well in my classes and I tried to keep my academic scholarship as a way to help me be able to pay for my schooling, since I also had a goal of graduating from college without having to take out a loan (I almost made it and have mostly made peace with the fact that I didn't). One summer I worked 60 hours a week. I worked two jobs--8 hour days during the week and 10-hour days on the weekends. I continually pushed my body to wake up early or stay of late in order to finish homework. I carried around my backpack--fitting as much in it as I could before it was just too heavy. So, all this is an introduction to my theory, which is "My body if falling apart on me now because I pushed it so hard to achieve my goal of graduating from college." Now that might seem a little dramatic to some people, but I contiually told my body that it couldn't fall apart on my yet because I really had to finish that semester or I really had to work mucho hours in order to pay for school. And my body wasn't perfect. It broke down bit by bit. By my last semester I was only able to manage four classes and working around fifteen hours a week. And even then I felt like I was falling apart at the seams. Over the years my ability to think and process seems to have diminished. My ability to concentrate has decreased. (and I am not joking) I know that classes get harder as you move up in college; however, it is not just there that my mind and memory have failed me. I've always had some difficulty with remembering things, but in recent years it has gotten worse. Now, I try not to focus too much of my time and attention on this aspect of my life, but it is true. I figure it is wound up in with my other medical problems...most especially I see it as a part of my fibromyalgia. At times I wonder if it is just normal to have this sort of difficulty with remembering things, but I do know that I had a sharper memory as a child, even in high school and my beginning years in college. My memorization skills are failing. I feel like I graduated from college but am not sure of my ability to do anything. Whether it is my mind or body getting in my way. (Yes, I know I've included a number of fragments in today's entry, but I like fragments and I feel like they express what I want them to. I apologize if they annoy or confuse you.)

Confidence is an area I continue to need to work on. I've decided to be done with the previous topic for today, but I shall probably revisit it in the future. Well, my left arm is beginning to complain that I have typed for too long. Or perhaps it is just hurting more and I'm wanting it to hurt less. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you may be pursuing at this time in your life. Amen. Amen. And Amen.