New Years is Coming...

Today I spent the day in dreamland--literally. I have many dreams, hopes, and goals for the new year. For example, I'd like to earn money--that's a goal, and a hope. I dream of moving back to Provo. I have a goal to exercise two to three times a week. And many more. But all of these seem hard, almost overwhelming when looked at in the context of my life. Now, I'm sure I have a tendency to make problems appear where there are none, and I know I allow my fears to trip me up...I know it's silly to let life overwhelm me like it so often does. What I need to do is have patience and trust in the Lord. Yet I can't leave everything up to the Lord.

I did achieve one goal this month--I made, in time for Christmas, presents for each person in my family that would be home (I still have to make Byron's).
My arms and entire body hurt much more than they did a month ago, but I accomplished something and proved to myself that I am not a complete coward and wimp. However, I am still in a quandary as to how far I can reasonably push myself.

Lately I've played a lot of the game Jungle Jewels. I've actually been playing it as I write this post, whenever I get to a point where I'm not sure what to say next...like right now:)

It feels good to work towards and accomplish a goal, but sometimes I need help beyond my own. Yet, I can't expect daily, or even biweekly help from people. Unfortunately it is too much to ask for continuous help. Life gets busy, things happen, and so I need to be my own help, I guess. My own champion. Rewards can help, but it works better when it comes from an outside source. Punishments are even harder.

Now I'm playing on Pixiehollow.com :>) I love how beautiful Pixie Hollow is!



I've frittered away the day in sleep and the evening in play, but perhaps tonight I can get something done (like starting work on Byron's Christmas present) while I watch TV and movies. Before I do that though, I want to do some indexing (indexing.familysearch.org)

As I've done blog mining for Rick Walton, I've not found blogs with lots of writing advice and links, I've also discovered how awesome blogs can be. I've looked at some pretty nice ones. All the ones I've been looking at I've found though www.asuen.com/blog/blogroll.shtml.

I really like Marcia Lynn McClure's books. Lately I've been in the mood for them. I'd love to buy more of her books, but I'm broke, so I'll just have to reread the ones I have:) They are not the most literary of books, but they are fun and enjoyable to read. Plus they make me happy:) She is such a fun and happy person:) I like buying her ebooks since I get them almost immediately. But I also really like physical copies of her books too. But enough about Marcia (www.marcialynnmcclure.com/).

I really do want to get some indexing done before I start watching tv and movies for the night. So to you I shall say "good night." :)

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I wrote my last post. I now live at home with my family in Buena Vista, VA (and I am quite enjoying the beautiful fall colors and autumn weather). Living at home provides me with the opportunity to sleep more and not participate in such arduous activities, which helps my body not hurt quite as much. I spend much of my time reading, which I enjoy, of course. I also attend an institute class--Presidents of the Church--and volunteer for SVU's literary magazine, The Review. I do miss having easy access to InDesign and Photoshop. I often miss my friends from Utah--people in my ward, at Day's Market, Leading Edge, and even from when I worked at the Wilk. I've been doing more indexing since I got home as part of my calling (sort of). I really enjoy indexing, although I usually only get two batches done a week.

I ought to write more, but I think this will be all for right now. Hopefully I'll write again soon.

The good and the bad

My SED rate is back up to 30, but on the good side my Rhematoid factor is still negative. I didn't expect my expect my SED rate to be so high, but I figured it would be higher since I've been hurting so much lately. I have a feeling my Rheumatologist won't be quite pleased with my SED rate, but whatever. I haven't felt like doing much lately. Right now I'm watching "Guys and Dolls," but I am also doing my laundry so I am being semi-productive.

I'm a bit tiredish. I should still at least try to be somewhat productive tonight. TTFN

I'm exhausted

I am so exhausted. One more day to go...I'm working almost 40 hours this week and it's killing me. Good thing I am only working 15 hours next week (I was scheduled for more, but gave it to someone who wanted more hours--I'll just have to try and get lots of hours in at my internship). My arms are hurting too. I've been fairly clumsy the last few days. I'm serious when I say my body does not like me working so much. It is not so happy with me. Today I spent $110 on meds :(. I know that's not a ton of money, but it seems like it to me at the same time. And today I even got off work early, so i didn't even work a full 8 hours. When I got home today i took an hour nap 'cause i was just too exhausted to do anything. Then i ate some dinner and finished reading a book that's due Monday. I'm probably going to go see a movie tonight with my roommate and some of her friends (she said she'd pay for me--there's no way I can afford it).

I've been spending too much money lately, especially on food. I need to get better at that. I have so much to do before I move home. A couple of people have offered help though, so I plan on taking them up on it...'cause i really do need help. I'm using movies to help keep me sane. I can do this, I can make it through life...as was mentioned in the book I finished reading--After much tribulation comes the blessing. And the people in the book experinced lots of tribulation, so, I can make it. I can do this. Somehow, someway...relying on the Lord to lift me up and keep me from falling down too hard.

I've been packing up some of my books and mailing them home. Hopefully my uncle can store some of my stuff out here. Maybe I won't go to the movie. Well, TTFN

miscellany

Martha James Cragun, one of my ancestors, was an amazing woman.

I hurt...especially my left ankle and lower leg...I'm not sure what is wrong with it. Also my left arm is really starting to hurt. Among other pains, of course. I had a brain MRI this week...just to rule out having anything wrong with my brain that would be causing dizziness and tingling. My SED rate is down to 6, which is really good, but I'm still in bunches of pain. I'll finish up with my temporary meds on Monday, which means I need to call my rheumatologist to see what the next step is. Yesterday I was at my internship for 6 hours. I really enjoyed it. Today I'll only be able to go for a couple hours since I have work at 4 PM. My back is really hurting. I discovered goodreads.com this week. I really like it. I also joined twitter. I read part of an article about it as I was waiting for my MRI and it made it sound interesting, so I joined.

I have lots and lots of stuff I need to do and get done before I move home in August. I should probably get going now...go to my internship or whatever. I also need to try and not stress out too much...and stuff like that. Hasta Luego.

A Myriad of Thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts going through my semi-spinning brain. And yet, it some ways I have difficulty remembering them all. I am tired, even though I slept okayish last night--definitely better than most nights lately. I also have difficulty thinking straight, which makes things a bit more difficult. At some point I am going to have to ask for help. I've got lots to do, not a ton of energy, etc. In short, it's inevitable that I am going to have to ask help in order to get things done. I'm like so tired and yet I have somewhat of a long day ahead of me, but I'll make it--not a problem. So tired...oh do tired. Yesterday I went to Lagoon, which was lots of fun...but afterwards I was way tired. And last night I took two of my sleep meds to help me sleep, and they did help me sleep, before I went to bed I felt like I was running into myself (I know that sounds weird, but that is how it feels), same as I felt when I was so extremely tired on Tuesday. Tengo sueño.

Last night I did like all of my mounds of laundry, and then...the drier doesn't work. Hopefully it will get fixed soon...or they'll eventually dry on their own...maybe. Hopefully it gets fixed, I called my landlord...so, hopefully. Wow, it looks like I got tanned a bit yesterday:). I didn't burn 'cause I put on sunscreen, so I didn't expect to tan any. Well, I'm not complaining. BTW, steampunk is way cool. One time a few years back, when I was riding the bus to and from Lindon everyday for work, as I was sitting at the bus stop, a guy talked to me about Steampunk for the whole time we waited for the bus. It was the first I'd heard of it...but truly, it's way cool.

I love the rain...right now I am listening to the rain on the sun-roof in the HumPub. Yesterday I finished reading The Bonemender. I really liked it. And I discovered there are two sequels to it, so I'll be looking into reading them. I wonder what causes tingling. I really do wonder. I'm thinking of asking my doctor, and I know there are probably lots of causes, but still it would be nice to know.

My body, especially my joints, have been hurting a way lot this week. It will be interesting to see what my sed rate is. What is confusing is when I feel the burning pain that my rheumatoligist's Nurse Practitioner said is associated with arthritis in places that are not my joints, like the middle of my lower arm. Although, earlier this week I felt the burning pain extending from my knee down half my lower leg. I need to learn more about how to describe pain, since I experience lots of it and my doctors ask what kind of pain I am feeling and I have difficulty describing it. Like right now in my elbow I have this tingling pain. And whatnot. With all this pain though, I thought it was supposed to be getting better since I'm taking this temporary med that my rheumatoligist thinks should reduce my inflammation. Joan, one of my co-workers, said that my tons of pain is probably caused by the stormy weather we have been having. And perhaps it could be in part because of my lack of sleep that I've been experiencing lately. ¿Quién sabe?

I want, and eventually will, get an external hard-drive. Right now I'm thinking all probably get a 320 GB portable external hard-drive, since they are pretty much the cheapest. I want to get one sooner than later so that I can get the rest of my stuff off my old computer, so I can take it to DI, so I have room on my desk to set up my scanner. I have more thoughts, but I don't really have more time...Seeing as how I need to be at my internship in like less than an hour and stuff like that. I think I might spend a quick few moments doing some family history searching on Ancestry.com before I leave for my internship. Have a wonderful day and search "star wars awesome poster" on google images.

PS sometimes I feel clautrophbicish.

The Future

I hurt. I know that is nothing new but it remains to be true. So this morning I was thinking a bit about the future (aka this Fall). I've been feeling quite exhausted lately. This causes me to wonder a bit about my abilities...but at some point I need to move beyond that and find a new job...something I keep realizing is important for me to do before Fall. I'm barely making it financially as it is. When Fall hits my expenses will increase...which means I need to be bringing in more money at that point in order to have any hope of making ends meet. I had a dream last night where rent went up and so I was trying to find somewhere else to live...that is what prompted me to think about the future some more and on my current income, there is no way I'll make it. So, I need to job search and yet as of yet I am not motivated enough to go searching for a new job. Right now I have a job where I have customers and co-workers who care about me...that is going to be a bit hard to give up.

I feel kind of like my mind is rather blank...that could be caused by the tiredness and pain. Sometimes it is hard to push through life. Perhaps I just need a better attitude, as some people think. So, my friend just asked how I was doing and this was my response "I'm tired, I hurt, and I don't want to deal with life." And the wise response is "Life is never so bad that it can't get worse." So true, so true. But that doesn't necessarily make dealing life that much easier...maybe a bit. Life is what it is and I shall make it...somehow.

I like facebook and that it helps me keep in contact with my friends. I'm so tired. I wish I could just go back to sleep rather than facing a full day. Art is wonderful by the way. Anyways, life is crazy and I guess I'm pessimistic. Anyways. Life is what it is and I'll survive. Until next time.

While at work

So, today while I was at work I wrote down some thoughts that I wanted to write in here. So, here it goes. Are you sure everyone else isn't in pain all the time? Maybe only some aren't. It seems like people are often in pain or not feeling well--right? There are plenty others who have backs and heads that hurt--arms, or legs, or ankles, etc. Surely there are plenty others who are in pain all the time. On Friday I went to a massage therapist who looked at and massaged my arms. So now I wonder how much of my pain is caused because of muscles or something like that. Anyways. For the next week he wants me to each night do this thing where I put my arms in ice cold water for 30 seconds, then in warm water for 3 minutes...back and forth six times each. But, I didn't do it last night...part of my folly of last night. I wasn't so smart...I ended up spending lots of hours reading and whatnot...but it wasn't even that great of a book...but whatever...

It seems like I am generally out of it. Me duele la cabeza :(

I was going to write about other stuff but my ability to concentrate is dwindling. Tomorrow I go to that career workshop thing again...I don't want to but I will anyway. Sometimes/often I get annoyed way too easily and it seems like I don't really want to face life currently. I would much rather escape into books and whatnot. And yeah...I think that's all for tonight.

hopefully patient

So, this will probably be a rather short post since I want to watch a movie before I go to bed (in my defense, I took a nap between work and Leading Edge, so the likelihood of me falling asleep before midnight anyway is practically nil). As for the title, tonight I was thinking about how much more patient I am than I used to be. When I was a teen I coined the following phrase: "Patience is a virtue, that I haven't got." I loved that phrase, but since that time I have had many a lesson in patience and I'm sure I'll have plenty more in my life, but the point is that I a much more patient than I used to be. As for hope, well I'm sure that is something I could work on, but I think the fact that I don't give in to despair sufficient proof that I am not completely void of hope.

As is usual, I'm in lots of pain. In some ways I feel like the amount of joint pain I'm regularly experiencing is increasing. I could be wrong, but still. It is most definitely increasing in joints that didn't bother me too much before...such as my hip, and elbow, and such. But, such is my life. It is sad, but in some ways I'd like to have RA just as a way to explain all the pain I am in, not that I don't have enough diagnoses already.

Today it was once again confirmed to me that copy editing is not my calling in life, and really not something I really enjoy. I'm okay with substantive editing, but copy editing, well, yeah, not my cup of tea. I have been SO thirsty today. It is somewhat annoying. I have drunk over 150 oz. of water and still my tongue is dry and I am way thirsty. Frustration. But whatever.

Well, i should start the movie soon, but I had a bit to say and I wanted to share it. I hope you are having a wonderful day!

Me duele...

So, I'm going to write a quick blog post and then go to bed, since it is late and I'm not feeling the greatest (yesterday I discovered the following warning on the new medicine I'm taking: "This medicine may lower your ability to fight off infections. Avoid contact with people who have contagious diseases." LOL, like I can do that). Anyway. Tonight I watched "Enchanted." It is one of my favorite movies. I've been hurting a lot today. Tonight I tried to look at doing some cross-stitching, but that caused a bunch of pain in my arms, so I couldn't work on anything. I think sometimes I wish there was even more wrong with me--perhaps as an excuse to spoil myself, or at least a way to justify spending more time trying to take care of myself. Currently, my arms do hurt and that does limit me some, but at least with my job, I plan to use my arms until I just can't take the pain anymore, when it becomes unbearable, like it was in March.

It is sometimes hard to be limited by my arms...to not be able to do things I want to do because of the pain it will cause. It can be frustrating at times. I really should go to bed. That would probably help my headache. I took a nap earlier, so we will see what kind of luck I have with sleeping, but I did take the new meds to help me sleep, and it's been working fairly well, so hopefully it will help tonight. It's a good thing I can sleep in tomorrow, but I can't sleep in too late, 'cause I need to go to my internship in the afternoon. Ta ta for now :)

PS There will be more interesting posts sometimes...I promise...soon I'll write one on faeries...

The Miracle of Life!

I just looked at pictures of one of my best friends and her new baby! Little Iain is SO cute. Babies are so wonderful--a lot of hard work, but wonderful all the same. I hope to one day have my own children. Hopefully by then I won't be in so much pain all the time, but even if I am, I'll make it. Life is such a wonderful and precious gift. It is springtime right now, a time of new growth, of renewal (and weddings and engagements...). Right now it is raining--I love the rain! (although I don't necessarily like the fact that I am in more pain when it is stormy weather...but I love the rain all the same...when I was little I changed the rhyme to Rain, rain, stay, stay, stay, stay until another day).

This morning I did not want to get out of bed. But I did. So, that is a good thing. Last night I went to a friend's house for a Mary Kaye facial. I enjoyed it, and a lot of things we learned make sense, but it also requires a lot of time and money (at least from my perspective). Many people are successful in their lives. Right now I generally feel kind of like I am floundering. At times I do have hope for better things (that is how I feel right now...I think it is related to seeing the pictures of Jenn, Brian, and Iain). I don't know what life will bring me. I'm not quite sure how to plan for whatever will come. But, as long as I put my trust and faith in the Lord, I should be fine.

I'm sorry that you are having to hear this so much, but I hurt! Yesterday I asked my doctor about the new medicine I'm on and he said about now is when it should start to kick in and that in a month or so will be when it plateaus. So, it is more of the waiting game until we can see how much help this medicine gives me. He also looked at the x-rays of my knees and showed me how there is really a lot of inflammation in there...no wonder my knees hurt! Hopefully the medicine will help relieve the inflammation. I told him that my right arm carpal tunnel is getting bad again. He was a bit surprised. So, he said we'd look at it again at my next appointment and if I was still having troubles with it he'd give me another cortisone shot. He doesn't think I'll have more problems with my left arm since it isn't as bad and my right arm. Well, it is time for me to go to my internship with Rick Walton :) So, until next time...(maybe I'll entertain you then with some of my crazy notions and theories).