Sometimes, somewhat, a hypochondriac

I often worry too much about life and the many things life is made of. I feel quite socially awkward, I stress over making good decisions, and own a decided streak of perfectionism. My abundance of worry often leads me to feel as though I am a hypochondriac.And perhaps I am a hypochondriac...

I think, for a time, I did not worry so much--I knew I had fibromyalgia and arthritis and felt like I had an idea of a direction to go in. Then carpal tunnel hit, which threw me for quite the loop. And now as my arms hurt more and more, I worry. The silliest worry I have involves wondering what will show up next or what is already there but still unknown. Complete and utter nonsense.

I'll admit, regarding my health lately, I've tried to take the ostrich approach--keep your head in the sand and hope for the best. But, like I said, my arms keep hurting more and more. Plus, my digestive system continues to dislike me, having stayed unsettled for a month now. Part of my brain reasons that it is simply the result of going off an SSRI. The other part of my brain worries that something else could be wrong with me--most prominately celiac disease (sparked by the fact that the number of people I know that have it continues to grow). I certainly don't want celiac disease. Do you know how many foods have wheat in them--tons!

One thing that feeds my worry--I did not recognize I had carpal tunnel until it caused me quite a lot of pain--this resulted from the fact that I have other health problems that cause me to experience pain 24/7. Even now, if I didn't have this past year's experience with carpal tunnel, would simply think my arms hurt a lot currently.

Around and around I go. And a merry ride it is...

Cross Stitching

I love cross-stitching! I find it enjoyable and relaxing. I like all the different patterns and of course all the various colors of embroidery floss. I found this cool website online that offers you free patterns everyday. If any of you go to http://cross-stitchers-club.com/?code_avantage=okyjcc and join I will receive points to access patterns from previous days. I'd love you forever if you did! (Although I'll probably love you forever if you don't). Cross-stitching does bother my arms some, but I'm trying to manage that with some exercises I learned from people who went through my line at Day's market and gave me advice on how to help my carpal tunnel. One of the persons who gave me advice was a massage therapist--I trust her advice the most, and it does help--which is good.

It is late and I need to get myself off to bed. But, I thought I'd let y'all know about one of my hobbies. Jenn reintroduced me to it and taught me how to be a competent cross-stitcher--Thanks Jenn!!!

Variousness

Another day is almost done. Today after church I went up to Pleasant Grove, UT, and recorded some of the memories my mom's uncle Milton has of my mom's parents. It was very enjoyable. Life can be crazyish, but that's okay. Sometimes it is difficult to decide what to do with my time. I think part of my problem is wanting it to be the "BEST" use of my time.

Do you ever feel like you're failing at life? I do. Especially when I hear my roommates talking about what they do and have done in life and what they expect others to do. And that's where I fail. But whatever. I'm just going to try and keep my life in line with the Lord and try to live so that I am always worthy for His advice. I mean there is some good things in what they're saying, but I guess I feel like their words are condemning me and yeah, so yeah. I guess my mindset is what is messed up.

"Someday my prince will come..." and he won't be perfect, but I'll love him and he'll love me and with a lot of work we'll be happy. Life will continue to be quite hard...but we'll make it, with the Lord's help. I'm willing to be patient though. I don't expect I'll get married anytime soon. It is something I look forward to in my life, and something I want to work towards, but yeah.

"Learn to take advice from people who care about you, even if you don't use it..." or something like that...I just heard my roommate Jesse say it, I'm not sure if I got the part after the comma right though--but it was that basic idea.

This last week wore me out quite a lot. And caused my carpal tunnel to flare up...oh well. I'm not working much this next week though. But, I still need to try and get a bunch of stuff done!

I need to decide what time I'm going to go to bed tonight. And what time I'm going to try and get up tomorrow. I should really try to get on a better sleep schedule...but things like not getting home from work until midnight doesn't help any. I keep getting scheduled 7 AM-4PM one day and 4-11:30PM the next. Luckily I've had coworkers who will trade or take the 7AM shift for me. I'm not too fond of getting up that early.

I like writing. I need to do it more often and be more diligent about it. Take small steps if needed, but I need to keep taking steps! Just small steps...over and over and over, until I reach success. It's a long road, but I do believe I can set and reach achievable goals. We had a lesson in Relief Society today about making goals and taking actions and whatnot. One girl quoted Yoda--"Do or do not, their is no try."

Sometimes I think we could all be a bit more tolerant. I know I need to work on being less judgemental and whatnot. "Judge not that ye be not judged."

I hope I can get my car fixed this week. I hope to take it in on Tuesday. Especially since it is getting hotter and not even being able to have the fan on makes it even more hot in my car (I don't have AC). We'll I guess I'm going to get going...Hasta Luego.

Randomness and so forth

Where to begin...I've thought of numerous things to write about throughout the day...unsurprisingly most of them medical related. This might end up being in lots of random orderness. So, this morning I went to my rheumatologist. And he wants to focus on bringing down my overall inflamation level, which is a good thing, but hard for me imagine happening, since as far as I know I've never had a SED rate under 13 and he wants to get me down to a 2. So, we'll see. He is not really willing to focus on all the randomness in my body until then. He says the tingling in my elbow cannot be caused by carpal tunnel since it involves a different nerve. So, back to ignoring it all as best I can, well not necessarily ignoring it, but trying to not allow it to worry me.

Oh, and apparently as far as individual health insurance goes, I am pretty much uninsurable since I have fibromyalgia. There are a couple of options, but my best bet is to get on a group health plan either by getting a job with medical coverage, or something like that. Random tingling and pain can be frustrating...just in case you wanted to know. At the moment I am having random tingling on the left side of my face next to my nose. Like I said, random.

Today I also looked more into getting a new job...and what little I did was rather exhausting to me and the job search process is rather daunting, plus my doctor did ask if I thought I could actually work full time...but as I told her...what other options do I have...not any good ones that I can see. And so, the search must go on. And we will just hope and pray that things can get worked out with my body.

I used to loathe medicine. I was not at all fond of it, especially prescription medicine. So, you have an idea of how ironic it is that the following thought crossed my mind this evening:"Medicine is a good thing, at least for me." LOL, but it's true. Without medicine I'd have a bit more difficulty attempting to function. I stuggle with that as is.

Writing tip of the day: Just get started--do whatever it takes...tell yourself you just have to write one paragraph, promise yourself rewards, whatever...the important thing is to get started, and once you do it is generally easy to keep going. (Tip courtesy of my internship with Rick Walton.)

Music is wonderful and random pains are not.

To do, to do, so many things to do

Hi, so sometimes I feel almost overwhelmed by all the things to do. And yet at the same time I feel like I'm accomplishing absolutely nothing. But yeah. I am in a middle sort of state right now...tired and stuff but not necessarily completely and utterly exhausted (unless it just hasn't hit me yet, which is possible). Today I read more about fibromyalgia. I have lots more to learn about it. I don't know where to start with writing tonight. You might just get a bunch of random statements all strung together. Tonight I listened to a spiel about becoming a Mary Kaye consultant. I actually found it quite compelling and may look into doing it in a few years, but not right now when my life is such a mess (not that it will ever not be a mess, but perhaps less up in the air). It seems like my left arm is still hurting some, but the doctor did say I don't need to wear it 24/7 starting tomorrow. I need to make a decision about whether or not I'll still wear it at work. One of my customers recommended I still wear it at work. At time I am surprised how much some of the customers remember about what I've told them about my arm. It's kind of crazy, but we have lots of good customers at Day's. They are one of the good things about my job.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by just the simple things I need to do, like take a shower, get ready for bed, sleep, wake up in the morning, get going. You know, regular old stuff like that. Then if you add in things I want to do...well, in short, the list never ends. Never will everything be done. The other day I thought how my life now is not really what I thought it might be like ten years ago. Yes, I did graduate from college. But I didn't go on a mission nor am I married. I often forget what age I am. I often think the wrong age. Like just now when I was trying to figure out how old I was 10 years ago, all I could think was 7th grade and then when I tried to think how old I am now I was about to write 25, but I'm actually not 25. I've always been rather confuseded (and yes the double "ed" is purposeful. I sometimes/often randomly add extra "ed"s to words in my mind, so if I am to write what I'm thinking, well, basically I included the double "ed" but only in my journal, and now here) about my age. I've generally felt older than I am, more around Nathan's age. It kind of confuses me up, but that's okay.

Did you know you can only have 200 characters worth of labels per post, how silly is that. I found that out last post. Anyways. Life is interesting. Yesterday in church the speakers spoke about being positive admidst adversity. And it seems like someone said something like "Rather than seeking to do what you enjoy, seek to enjoy what you are doing." I think there is some wisdom in that. I was thinking about that today and wondering where pain fits into the equation. I guess I can try enjoy being in pain, but so far it's not working too well. I can better understand the suggestion (from Inside Fibromyalgia) to laugh at the times when fibro-fog messes with your life. Let me try to explain what fibro-fog is. I realize that plenty of people have these same sort of things happen to them, but when you have fibromyalgia it is a bit different (in my opinion, of course). So I'm debating whether I should just quote from the book or try to explain it by giving examples from my own life...well the second sounds more fun, so here we go.

Do you ever have to question which is you left or right side? I do. Are you constantly forgetting names and words? I am. Do you frequently find it difficult to concentrate? I do...in fact I've discovered that so often do I have fibro-fog that I often cannot read more complex books. Sometimes my mind is too tired to even read simple things. Not remembering things is a constant sort of state for me. My mind goes blank all the time too. There are times at work when I can't remember what button to push--for example, I have a check in my hand and can't remember what button to push (note: the correct button to push is the one that says "check" on it). There are many a time when I cannot do simple addition. Or say I have a quarter in my hand and I can't quite figure out which spot in my drawer to put it in--I look at them and my mind doesn't compute. But that's okay, 'cause apparently that's normal for people with fibromyaligia (FM). And I learned through my reading today that it does not mean my brain is failing...it just means the pain is interfering with the normal thinking process.

Now that I've gone on and on about fibro-fog lets move to something else...not sure what though. Hmmm...Any ideas...It is true that I should get going...go take a shower, get ready for bed, attempt sleep. Have you ever been poor? I wouldn't necessarily classify myself as poor but money is rather tight...which is actually pretty normal for me. I'm not very good with my spending habits...or with finances in general to be honest. It is definitely an area I need to improve in...along with all those other areas. I like reading. Reading's mucho fun. I like water, too. It tries to make my mouth and throat not so dry. It doesn't really succeed, but that's okay, at least it tries and works for a nanosecond. There are some things you shouldn't toss...I was just about to try and toss a plate from my bed to a chair...luckily I didn't, since it belongs to a friend of mine. Anyways. I often experience lots of random aches and pains. And while that is normal, at times it worries me some...especially after all this bruhaha with carpal tunnel.

While I'm sure you are sitting on the edge of your seat to hear about all my random aches and pains (not that I could begin to remember even half of the ones I've experienced today), I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint you and instead try and make myself stop writing and go take a shower or at least do something a little more productive. Oh, guess what I thought of last night as I was trying to fall asleep. (background info--I want to be an author, and I often write down things on random pieces of paper as they come to my mind). So, I thought it would be cool if I could record myself singing "Just start typing, just start writing" to the tune of "Just keep swimming" from Finding Nemo. And have it set on my computer so that it would repeat that recording every half hour or so. Wouldn't that be awesome...and a great reminder. I like it. We'll see if it ever happens though. I love the music I'm listening too right now--the soundtrack to Ever After (I love that movie!). Wow, my left arm is definitely starting to hurt some. I guess that's the signal for me to stop writing--¡Qué triste! The pain goes up my arm and into my shoulder...owy. Well, now it really is time to go...Ta Ta For Now (TTFN) {Tiffany Oaks taught me that one =)}

The Miracle of Life!

I just looked at pictures of one of my best friends and her new baby! Little Iain is SO cute. Babies are so wonderful--a lot of hard work, but wonderful all the same. I hope to one day have my own children. Hopefully by then I won't be in so much pain all the time, but even if I am, I'll make it. Life is such a wonderful and precious gift. It is springtime right now, a time of new growth, of renewal (and weddings and engagements...). Right now it is raining--I love the rain! (although I don't necessarily like the fact that I am in more pain when it is stormy weather...but I love the rain all the same...when I was little I changed the rhyme to Rain, rain, stay, stay, stay, stay until another day).

This morning I did not want to get out of bed. But I did. So, that is a good thing. Last night I went to a friend's house for a Mary Kaye facial. I enjoyed it, and a lot of things we learned make sense, but it also requires a lot of time and money (at least from my perspective). Many people are successful in their lives. Right now I generally feel kind of like I am floundering. At times I do have hope for better things (that is how I feel right now...I think it is related to seeing the pictures of Jenn, Brian, and Iain). I don't know what life will bring me. I'm not quite sure how to plan for whatever will come. But, as long as I put my trust and faith in the Lord, I should be fine.

I'm sorry that you are having to hear this so much, but I hurt! Yesterday I asked my doctor about the new medicine I'm on and he said about now is when it should start to kick in and that in a month or so will be when it plateaus. So, it is more of the waiting game until we can see how much help this medicine gives me. He also looked at the x-rays of my knees and showed me how there is really a lot of inflammation in there...no wonder my knees hurt! Hopefully the medicine will help relieve the inflammation. I told him that my right arm carpal tunnel is getting bad again. He was a bit surprised. So, he said we'd look at it again at my next appointment and if I was still having troubles with it he'd give me another cortisone shot. He doesn't think I'll have more problems with my left arm since it isn't as bad and my right arm. Well, it is time for me to go to my internship with Rick Walton :) So, until next time...(maybe I'll entertain you then with some of my crazy notions and theories).

I'm trying

Well it's time for another post. (Warning: I am rather a bit tired so we'll see how this post goes). The other night I was talking to a couple of my friends and they pointed out to me that I'm trying. So, while there is much more I need to do with and in my life, the best I can do for now is try. I know that I often make unwise decisions (such as staying up late). But I hope that I make less unwise decisions than I used to. Success can be determined by different measuring sticks.

So, carpal tunnel has returned in my right arm (if it ever fully left). That means the cortisone shot I got in it worked for less than a month. I'm pretty sure that is not the best news ever. I have no idea what the next step will be as far as treatment for it. My doctor said surgery isn't really helpful for my type of carpal tunnel (mine is caused by inflammation rather than by scar tissue). Also, it has now been three weeks since I started taking my new anti-inflammatory and I'm still in lots of pain all the time. This suggests to me that this new medicine isn't helping that much. When my doctor put me on this med he said it was the strongest he could put me on without it being a steriod. So, I guess I'll just have to wait and see what he says now. I would like some answers though.

This post isn't shaping up to be all that interesting--sorry. I really should take better care of my body. I really don't want it to force me to stop pushing it too far. I currently don't push it near as much as I used to, but still. I think I am going to go rest and relax for a time...maybe read, maybe take a nap, who knows. 'Til next time.

PS Today I helped Rick Walton, the author I intern for, sign books for him to give to his students--I wrote the inscription and he signed them. It was a first for me and I enjoyed it.