I know it's very late...

I know it's very late, but I just wanted to write a little. I am SO grateful to have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. If I did not I would probably be in a very not happy state. I am far from prefect and have plenty of problems and issues, but the foundation of the gospel keeps me grounded. It keeps me from falling completely apart. I don't think I could make it through life without the gospel. I make mistakes--often, and am unwise, yet I wish I could share my foundation with others. I wish there was some way to help them SEE the happiness the gospel brings. Life isn't peaches and cream, but it's better than it could be.

There is much good in life. And to find it we must seek for it and be grateful for it. I am quite tired, but I wish I could do more. I want to try harder, to not let fear dictate my actions, to not become overwhelmed but to face life with courage, hope, and faith. I love the Plan of Salvation. Even though I do not know what the future may bring, I do know that Christ will always be there for me. I have many weaknesses and faults that I need to work on, but I hope that in some small measure I can touch the lives of others for good. I hope that I can see clear and true and allow love to guide my actions.

I could easily be awake when the rest of the family begins arising for the day. I hope to not be though, but while I am tired, my mind is also churning. I want to try to be a better friend. And now I'm going to go to bed.

The New Year is Here!

It is now a few weeks into 2010, and I am doing fairly okay with my new year's resolutions. For example, I walked home from SVU 3 times already. I know that may not seem like much exercising to you, but that is really good for me. Also, while I still haven't earned any money, I have bid on three jobs on elance.com, I may not get any of them, but I'll continue bidding on jobs. Also, have kept up on my indexing--100 names per week. I keep hopeful. I have hope for the future. Hope that I'll be able to earn money, hope that I'll be able to move back to Provo, hope that once back in Provo I'll be able to get a job. I think as far as a job goes I would like one that I can sit down at and one where I can earn enough money to support myself. Some places I've considered looking at for jobs are Nuskin, ancestry.com, Provo City, BYU if there are any jobs open.

I'm only doing so-so with trying to go to bed earlier. It's difficult for me. I've kept up on my Institute reading so far. Hopefully I can continue to stay on track. I'm also still helping with SVU's literary magazine--The Review. We need to get started on production work soon though. This evening I got some more blog mining done for Rick Walton.

I'm still working on cross-stitching Christmas presents. Hopefully people don't mind getting them late. If they do, I'll just tell them it's a New Year's or Valentine's or St. Patrick's etc present. :) Today I watched a cute movie. It is actually one I'd seen before, but forgotten. It's called "The Cowboy and the Lady." I really liked it :) I love watching movies--they make me happy.

I am also trying to be more productive. In pursuit of the goal, the other day I spent an hour typing in writing notes. Ideally I would spend a few hours every day working on writing, but I've got to start where I am and improve from there--slow though the progress may be. I'm also reading this book my dad wants me to read--The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle. It's interesting. It talks about how myelin wraps around the nerves in our brain making it so they can fire quicker and that's how we gain skills--the more we practice (the right kind of practice, mind you) the more the myelin wraps and the better we get at those skills. At least that is my understanding. Reading this book does bring some questions to my mind. For example, how does myelin work for someone who has Fibromyalgia? Does FM affect myelin at all? Since apparently everything is controlled by the nerves in our brain, what are the mechanisms that create the symptoms of Fibromyalgia? I don't expect the book to answer these questions, but it does cause me to think and to wonder.

Well, I won't regale you more on my thoughts and questions sparked by this book. I actually need to decide what I'm going to do the rest of the evening and an episode of "Remington Steele" is sounding mighty nice! I'm so glad Tiffany Draut introduced me to that show! She currently serving a mission in Brazil. I think that's way cool, but am kind of glad that it's her and not me.

Until next time~~~

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I wrote my last post. I now live at home with my family in Buena Vista, VA (and I am quite enjoying the beautiful fall colors and autumn weather). Living at home provides me with the opportunity to sleep more and not participate in such arduous activities, which helps my body not hurt quite as much. I spend much of my time reading, which I enjoy, of course. I also attend an institute class--Presidents of the Church--and volunteer for SVU's literary magazine, The Review. I do miss having easy access to InDesign and Photoshop. I often miss my friends from Utah--people in my ward, at Day's Market, Leading Edge, and even from when I worked at the Wilk. I've been doing more indexing since I got home as part of my calling (sort of). I really enjoy indexing, although I usually only get two batches done a week.

I ought to write more, but I think this will be all for right now. Hopefully I'll write again soon.

It's late

Hi, it's late and I should probably get ready for bed soon. But it's been awhile since I've written, so I decided to take a moment to write. My life is going to be changing soon. I'm moving in two weeks. That is really not that much time when you think about it. I have goals for when I get home. Number one is to work on sleep. Some of the others are Writing!, nutrition, health in general, and who knows what else. Oh, I'd like to do more scanning of Family History stuff, and Mom and Dad's photos. My doctor wasn't horribly pleased to see that my SED rate is back up to 30. But...well, that's just kind of how my life goes. Which is okay. I really should go to bed soon, 'cause I'm hungry and I do want to go to the temple tomorrow since it is about the only free time I have to go this week. Which reminds me, I need to email Rick Walton to let him know when I can work this week.

I have many dreams in life. I'm not sure how many of them will be fulfilled (or in what way/how different from what I might imagine) but that's okay...you know what they say about reaching for the stars. I enjoy book layout and design. I really do enjoy it. InDesign is one of my all time favorite computer programs. The internet is pretty awesome too.

I can't let myself stress out. I was a bit earlier. It is easy to do. Very easy. But, that's okay. The powercord for my laptop died yesterday (there was a blue spark, and then nothing) so I got a new one, it's not quite as great as my last one, but it will do, it will do. I really should go to bed. I am feeling rather tiredish despite the nap I took earlier today. It's nice to have friends.

Until next time.................

When You Can't Sleep

So, it's been awhile since I last wrote. I'm sorry that I haven't written much lately, but life is kind of busy and stressful and even overwhelming at times. I have SO much to do before I move home and to get ready to move home. The last couple of days I've started to have people ask me if I'm doing ok. LOL. I usually feel horrible, but generally it is not visible to other people (one of the trademarks of Fibromyalgia). I chatted online with Emily last night, which was wonderful and definitely brightened my day. People have offered help, but it is hard for me to say--I have no energy to prepare food for myself. Would you cook this spaghetti/rice/soup/etc. up for me. It just sounds so ridiculous! But really that would help me. The one person I feel sort of comfortable asking about doing such hasn't been at church the past couple of weeks, so...yeah. Sometimes I still wonder if it is all just in my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I really do have FM, but then as I think about it I always come to the conclusion that I do have it. At times I was successful at reasoning away having depression, but I never seem to succeed with Fibromyalgia (and I did have depression and am still taking medication for it).

So, the reason I'm writing at this early hour is 'cause I can't sleep. Even though I took my sleep meds, still I woke up in the middle of the night (which still happens with my sleep meds), but unlike other times, I can't fall back asleep. After 45 minutes I generally feel that it is pointless to keep tossing and turning and trying to ignore the aching and hurting. So, I turn on my computer (I don't have a booklight yet so I can't read). Now...I'm making some calls.

I'm hungry, maybe I'll go eat some breakfast. TTFN:)

Variousness

Another day is almost done. Today after church I went up to Pleasant Grove, UT, and recorded some of the memories my mom's uncle Milton has of my mom's parents. It was very enjoyable. Life can be crazyish, but that's okay. Sometimes it is difficult to decide what to do with my time. I think part of my problem is wanting it to be the "BEST" use of my time.

Do you ever feel like you're failing at life? I do. Especially when I hear my roommates talking about what they do and have done in life and what they expect others to do. And that's where I fail. But whatever. I'm just going to try and keep my life in line with the Lord and try to live so that I am always worthy for His advice. I mean there is some good things in what they're saying, but I guess I feel like their words are condemning me and yeah, so yeah. I guess my mindset is what is messed up.

"Someday my prince will come..." and he won't be perfect, but I'll love him and he'll love me and with a lot of work we'll be happy. Life will continue to be quite hard...but we'll make it, with the Lord's help. I'm willing to be patient though. I don't expect I'll get married anytime soon. It is something I look forward to in my life, and something I want to work towards, but yeah.

"Learn to take advice from people who care about you, even if you don't use it..." or something like that...I just heard my roommate Jesse say it, I'm not sure if I got the part after the comma right though--but it was that basic idea.

This last week wore me out quite a lot. And caused my carpal tunnel to flare up...oh well. I'm not working much this next week though. But, I still need to try and get a bunch of stuff done!

I need to decide what time I'm going to go to bed tonight. And what time I'm going to try and get up tomorrow. I should really try to get on a better sleep schedule...but things like not getting home from work until midnight doesn't help any. I keep getting scheduled 7 AM-4PM one day and 4-11:30PM the next. Luckily I've had coworkers who will trade or take the 7AM shift for me. I'm not too fond of getting up that early.

I like writing. I need to do it more often and be more diligent about it. Take small steps if needed, but I need to keep taking steps! Just small steps...over and over and over, until I reach success. It's a long road, but I do believe I can set and reach achievable goals. We had a lesson in Relief Society today about making goals and taking actions and whatnot. One girl quoted Yoda--"Do or do not, their is no try."

Sometimes I think we could all be a bit more tolerant. I know I need to work on being less judgemental and whatnot. "Judge not that ye be not judged."

I hope I can get my car fixed this week. I hope to take it in on Tuesday. Especially since it is getting hotter and not even being able to have the fan on makes it even more hot in my car (I don't have AC). We'll I guess I'm going to get going...Hasta Luego.

Tired...Oh, so tired

Hi, I haven't slept well this week. Thus it is not surprising that I am very tired and worn out. But I just got home from work, so my mind and body aren't quite ready to shut down for a night's sleep. I often feel like it is easier to take naps than to sleep for a long period of time. Oh so tired and...weary? But I can do it, I can make it. I have a lot to do in the next few months...but, I can do it. I love fairy tales. I love Spanish. Leading Edge is awesome, by the way. I also like family history work:) And I really do need to get going on getting ready for bed...hopefully I don't get sucked into playing computer games or something like that. ta ta. PS I love movies and books, too. The movie Enchanted is one of my favorites, and Ella Enchanted one of my favorite books.

I have it--the second half of The Last Templar! I am so happy, somehow it got recorded. I'm pretty tired and worn out. I haven't been sleeping well lately. It is kind of crazy. I've been trying to figure out things in my life. So, as I mentioned last time, I am moving home in August. I'm not sure how long I'll live there, probably a semester or two, maybe more. A semester just seems like too short a time for me to recuperate and whatnot. But I guess we'll see what happens. Earlier this week I didn't even know if I'd ever be moving back to Provo, but I think it will.

Why am I so tired and achy and hurting... It is rather crazyish. Tomorrow's going to be a long day, like every Saturday is. I'm tired, but I took a nap this evening so it's not very likely that I'd be able to fall asleep. And I'm always forgetting what I need to get done. Annoying, huh?

Well, It looks like I am going to watch a movie with my roommate and her boyfriend. And I am going to try and get stuff done while I watch.

Me duele...

So, I'm going to write a quick blog post and then go to bed, since it is late and I'm not feeling the greatest (yesterday I discovered the following warning on the new medicine I'm taking: "This medicine may lower your ability to fight off infections. Avoid contact with people who have contagious diseases." LOL, like I can do that). Anyway. Tonight I watched "Enchanted." It is one of my favorite movies. I've been hurting a lot today. Tonight I tried to look at doing some cross-stitching, but that caused a bunch of pain in my arms, so I couldn't work on anything. I think sometimes I wish there was even more wrong with me--perhaps as an excuse to spoil myself, or at least a way to justify spending more time trying to take care of myself. Currently, my arms do hurt and that does limit me some, but at least with my job, I plan to use my arms until I just can't take the pain anymore, when it becomes unbearable, like it was in March.

It is sometimes hard to be limited by my arms...to not be able to do things I want to do because of the pain it will cause. It can be frustrating at times. I really should go to bed. That would probably help my headache. I took a nap earlier, so we will see what kind of luck I have with sleeping, but I did take the new meds to help me sleep, and it's been working fairly well, so hopefully it will help tonight. It's a good thing I can sleep in tomorrow, but I can't sleep in too late, 'cause I need to go to my internship in the afternoon. Ta ta for now :)

PS There will be more interesting posts sometimes...I promise...soon I'll write one on faeries...

Up and beyond...

So, I think it's about time to write another post. Nathan says my posts sound like me, so that's a good thing I think. I am discovering that it is kind of difficult to type on my laptop with two arm braces on...oh-well, I'll just have to do the best that I can. I'm not really sure what to write about. Any ideas? No, well, that's okay.

Sometimes I think I'm a rather silly person. You might wonder why I say this, but I'm not sure how much proof of it I'm willing to give you. I could start with some of my theories/hypotheses/ideas. I think it is reasonable to think that there is the possibility of there being more than one universe out there, far beyond our sight. That might sound unreasonable to you, but it makes sense in my mind. Emily Olson once told me that I have "uncommon" sense rather than common sense. At times I think she is right. I do realize that the very nature of the word "universe" denotes that there is only one, but that is just because men made up the word. There is so much out there we don't know. And as I've mentioned before, sometimes I can dream pretty big--the possibility of there being more than one universe being one of those.

I love the stars and galaxies...outer space in general. That is perhaps one of the reasons why I am so attracted to the genre of science fiction/fantasy (and that is my favorite genre). I have met people who have no curiosity about space, that stars, none of that! I love pictures of space. They are so wonderful and amazing and beautiful. I'd love to do paintings based on them someday. I love Gustav Holst's The Planets--amazing music!!! I especially love Jupiter Hymn--the French Horn part is absolutely beautiful. {Note: sorry if any of you reading this are editors or grammar Nazi's, while I did minor in editing...I'm more into substantive editing rather than copyediting, plus this blog is more about just writing, without allowing things--such as making grammar mistakes--to impede the flow of writing. The goal is to just write...and to not worry about perfection.}

Do you want to know something that is mildly annoying...the limited choices when it comes to the design of blog profiles. If I knew how, I'd make my own design, unfortunately I don't know how, so I deal with the choices I've got. I actually really like design. I would love to work in the art or production department of a book publisher. I think that would be pretty awesome, but who knows where I'll end up working. I mean, I enjoy working at Day's Market, but it is hard on my body and I need a "real" job, plus I really could use benefits...aka...health insurance. I really don't know what I am going to do come Fall when I can no longer be on the BYU extended health plan. No idea. Oh well. Hopefully I'll figure something out. I have a tinsy bit more time before then. No need to worry too much. (Yes, I'm a bit of a worry wort.)

I like how when I get started writing I can often write and write on and on...unless I'm completely out of it...and then who knows what you might get. I enjoyed band in high school (this might sound like a non sequitur to you, but the thing is I'm listening to music on the "Gustav Holst" station I just created on my Pandora radio accout and yeah...) I really like the sound of band music, and I've always wondered why we don't have more bands and band music...I mean there is plenty of music by orchestra's and I do know that they include the band insturments and the music is great, but it just isn't the same thing! I also really like marching band music. But back to band music, I'd love to get ahold of recordings of the music we played in high school as done by professionals and just in general, band music (sorry if I'm not explaining all of this very well).

My goal for this evening is to not fall asleep, 'cause if I do, then I won't be able to fall asleep tonight and the cycle begins once again... So, I need to decide what else I am going to do this evening. Some thought on the matter turns up ideas like designing the cross-stiching for presents for Jenn's baby, work on typing up my journals, put things in my personal history, and of course, reading. A movie always sounds delicious, too (In recent times I have found myself misapplying words that are associated with one sense or another and it just feels right, so if I use words as I did in the sentence I just wrote, well...I figure I'm not going to fight it since it feels like the right word). The "feel" of things that I pay attention to. This is not necessarily a tactile feeling, hence the quotation marks. It is more like the feeling evoked--the feel of things.

I don't like it when I start having pain in the collar bone area. It happens rather frequently though. I try to not spend too much time concerning myself with all the various aches and pains and wierdness I feel in my body, yet it still consumes a large amount of my thoughts. I used to be better at putting such things from my mind. But getting carpal tunnel caused an awakening. Things I assumed were normal or transitory ended up being something mildly serious. (One of my friends, Camilla, once told me that I'm rather whimsical...or actually I think she was refering to my artwork...but still...I'd never thought of it that way, but I find it fits or at least feels like a word that fits me.) It is interesting to watch and see how different thoughts and turns of conversation are triggered [to avoid using the passive tense I should have writtten the previous sentence as "I find it interesting to watch and see what triggers differnt thoughts and turns of conversation."] I once worked with a girl (Brittany, it was when I worked for the BYU Conference Center Custodial) who would trace back our conversations to see how we arrived at our end result. It was rather fascinating but not something I'd generally be willing to spend my time and energy on, especially since I sometimes my memory stuggles some. But at other times I can remember lots of random things and can remember some things really well. It is one of those kind of oximoron sort of things that become difficult to explain since they seem to condradict each other. Although, it often seems to me like lots of things seem to contradict each other and then I start getting confused and people tell me I'm making things harder than they really are. The end result...well, I'm not sure what the end result is, but you're probably getting tired of this post...so I guess I shall close with...Hmmm...what's a good closing statement...if it comes to me it probably won't be until some random time and then I'll forget it, so we'll just have to go with, bland/boring/usual/random/whatever--"When you wish upon a star..."

Bothersome

So, I did go to sleep. Unfortunately, I only slept for a few hours before waking up. After spending two and a half hours trying to fall back asleep, listening to my Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack twice, I have given up for the nonce. Good news though, my friend Jenn Bott had her baby--he was born around 8:55 PM, which is kind of ironic because just around that time I was thinking about her and I even mentioned to my friends that I wondered if she'd had her baby yet. I am so excited for her and I can't wait to see her baby (although I'm sure when I'll be able to go visit her, but hopefully sooner than later). I need to get to work on my cross-stitch baby presents for her. She is actually the one who taught me how to cross stitch, more or less. I love cross-stitching! I generally find it very relaxing and if I cross-stitch while watching a movie it helps me feel productive.

I predict that I will be tired tomorrow/today. I have my doctor's appointment in the morning (and I really hope that corisone shot helps, although it will take a few days). Not that I am trying to self diagnose, but I think I may have restless leg syndrome (RLS, just another to add to the list, I know). My mom's cousin Mary, from whom I learned about Fibromyalgia, has it. I believe my parents thought I might have RLS too, but I was more concerned about understanding my pain and fatigue. But I really do think I have it. I just looked at the symptoms list and yeah. It would also explain the random tingling sort of sensations I've been noticing in my legs recently. I wonder who I'd talk to in order to get diagnosed with it. At some point I need to meet with my primary physician. She's pretty amazing. And she has helped me a lot over the past five years. I'm going to be sad when I have to go find a new doctor (since I can't keep her as my doctor after I get off my current insurance and I'll only be able to have it through August of this year). I am not looking forward to doctor shopping, although I'm sure I'll be limited in some ways by what insurance I end up with.

I'm starting to think I should really find out if I have any sleeping disorders, just for my peace of mind if nothing else. Well, I set up an appointment with my primary care physician. Maybe we can see if we can do something about my sleep. It is something we discussed during my last visit, and I know my sleep hygiene isn't the best ever, but my body not allowing me to sleep at night is just getting plain annoying. If it were a little later I'd call and talk with my parents, and while they are probably awake right now, I don't want to put them behind on their morning routine.

Pain, pain, go away and don't come again another day. No, I know this is my lot in life and I accept that for the most part, but it doesn't change the fact that at times it is difficult to deal with. I'm sure I agreed to these trial in the pre-existence, so I find it reasonable that I should try to endure them cheerfully, but still. "Smile" is my motto even if I don't always live by it.

So, people say they can spend hours on facebook, and I can too, but recently I haven't found it as compelling an attraction. And what to do now. Do I attempt sleep once again, even though I'm not feeling sleepy? Do I pull out a book and read? Spend time picking my fav 5s on facebook? I guess I could keep writing in here, but I think my mental power is waning. Looks like it's time for facebook quizzes... And universe, be kind.