Brianne and Peter's wedding

It's late and I should go to bed, but I've been wanting to write for some time now, so I'll write, just a short post though.

One: I went to Brianne Shiraki's wedding a couple weeks back--it was amazing! It was the first time I'd been able to attend a temple sealing! Attending also fulfilled another of my wishes of things to happen before I get married--The first being, getting endowed--now related to getting married, but as an independent experience. That happened over a year ago :) and which made possible this second--attend a sealing:). I can only think of one more thing I've wanted to do before I get married and that is to get something published. This one...well, I need to work more on my writing if it is to ever happen period, so, yeah. Though, I did spend four hours this week typing in writing notes :), which are little snippets of writing. Anyway.

At Brianne's wedding and reception I took a bunch of pictures:). I'm only going to post a few here, but I posted lots more on facebook. I also had fun editing some of the pictures afterward.


I like taking wedding pictures:). I'm far from being a professional, but it's a fun hobby--photography, that is.

I have more things I'd like to write about, but it's late, so goodnight :)

Navigation...Navigating...Navigated...

I've decided I need to get some pictures on my blog, particularly one of me. Which, actually wasn't why I decided to write a new blog post, although photography is a hobby of mine, though I'm not particularly splendid at it. But, why I decided to write, now doesn't seem as demanding a subject, which is a poor reflection on me since I was going to write about the death of a high school boy in my community. It is sad, especially since he has a twin brother, but in my defense I do not know them and am actually fairly removed from the Buena Vista community at the moment. It is rather sad, I know. I think losing someone so close to you, such as a twin would be difficult. I don't have much understanding when it comes to people dying since death hasn't really touched my life much. And, I must admit, that do kind of have a skewed vision of death. See, I moved a number of times as a child. And in general all the people that were near and dear to my heart at the time were separated from me, I had no more contact with them, and while there is always a slim chance that I'd meet them again--it was and is slim. And so in a way, moving is like death. You are no longer in contact, your lives have gone in separate directions. It is true what they say: "You can't go back to when you were happy." All you can do is move forward, though the past will always be a part of you.

In this modern age we have many more ways to keep in contact, and it does help. I mean earlier I was reading Camilla's blog and it was almost like have her near for a moment. Not as wonderful as seeing her in person, but certainly an uplift. But even then, it is pretty much impossible to stay in contact with everyone. It's not that I don't care for people, it's just...I don't even know. I do what I can, I try. I don't know what my future holds. I really have like no clue. It's kind of like walking into the dark and not being sure what's there. It's a bit frightening, though I do not fear per se, since I know the Lord will guide me, but it's kind of scary nonetheless. Plus, I have to do my part and I'm not completely sure what that is exactly, but I'm trying. I do spend a lot of time in pursuits that are perhaps not the most productive of activities. But, I am trying to get better and I am trying to figure out how to navigate my life.

I have many dreams and hopes for the future. I have the future I'd like tucked away in my heart. I would love to be a wife, mother, and author. However, at the moment I am not really close to achieving any of those goals/dreams. So, I'm trying to figure out how to make money to support myself. I have a BA in English. I did minor in editing, and I enjoy book layout and design. I would like to learn more about design and whatnot and have even started considering getting a degree in Graphic Design. Book design is something I enjoy and something that could possibly work out as a job for me. That is good. It all sounds good, right? So, why do I hesitate...well, for one thing, education costs money. I need money in order to get another degree. Getting a degree takes time, thus limiting the time I have to earn money in. If I moved back to Utah Valley, which would be my preference, I'd like to return to interning for Rick Walton, I'd want to got to Leading Edge at least once a week--preferably more, I'd like to work at the temple, and I could always see about interning for Cedar Fort's production department.

And all that doesn't even throw my health issues into the equation. My doctor once asked me if I was sure I could work 40 hours a week. At the time I told her "what other choice is there?" However, since then, I've moved home, because I literally couldn't work enough hours to pay my bills. And I'm really not sure if I could work 40 hours a week. I'd like to think I could. I mean, one summer I worked 60 hours a week the entire summer...unfortunately I believe doing things like that, may have contributed to my body's increased complaints of recent years. Sometimes I wonder if my knowledge of some of what is wrong with me hinders my ability to cope with and navigate through life. Is it "all in my mind"? I'm not sure I have an answer.

Dreamer...

I would recommend skipping yesterday's post. I am continually reminded that I love photography. I am by no means a master at it, but I do enjoy it. I might post some pictures on here, but I would like people's permission first, so not today. One of my friends let me take her bridals. I looked back at them yesterday. I enjoyed it. The lighting in some of them could have been better, but overall I am pleased with my work. I would love to take engagement pictures for friends (sometimes I wish I could take my own engagement pictures when the time comes, but that is not possible). I do often take pictures of myself using the techniques of mirror photography and pointing the camera back at myself and hoping for the best. I have quite a few of these sorts of pictures and I'm not sure if I'm vain or just like experimenting with the camera or want a record of the outfit I've put together. Perhaps it is a combination of all three.

Today I also remembered how much I enjoy children. I went over to my friend's house and played with her baby while she cleaned. She said her baby really likes me. I have been told that often enough throughout my life, but sometimes I wonder. I used to think taking care of children was a talent of mine. However, that notion was vehemently denied by my parents a few years back. That shook by faith in my ability to take care of children. I thought I had done a good job of helping raise my younger siblings, but perhaps I am mistaken. But, whether I am good with children or not, I do so enjoy them. They are fun to play with. And it doesn't hurt that they are generally very accepting. And they do the cutest things. I firmly believe that we can learn much from children. I look forward to the day when I have children, although I sometimes worry about my capability to be a good mother. I can promise my future children that I shall try my best.

One thing I love about my job is seeing the children and babies that come through my line (I work as a cashier at a local grocery store). I also enjoy many of my other customers. I have come to recognize a lot of the regular customers and they are kind to me. Some take the time to talk with me and they remember the things I tell them. Certain customers bring a smile to my face and I love seeing them. Working as a cashier is fatiguing and I have a hard time doing it full time, but I do enjoy it (despite the drawbacks). While I do enjoy my job, I should be looking for a new one. A difficult task, and not just because of the economic climate. I sometimes struggle with having confidence in myself. I spent many years with low self esteem. Sometimes I wonder if I am qualified for any job at all. My health problems make it more difficult for me to feel that I can guarantee anything since I never know when something else is going to go wrong with my health. But, having health problems means I need to get a job with benefits (the most important being health insurance). I know I'm the kind of person who insurance companies do not want since I use them on a regular basis (they much prefer the people who are in perfect health and never need to draw on them).

As you may be beginning to see, I can go on and on and on when it comes to writing--at least when my mind is in gear. As I mentioned before, my writing is not a masterpiece, but I think it is time for me to move beyond the desire to have everything I produce be a masterpiece. In high school my dad would remind me that I shouldn't compare myself with published authors and famous artists. I think that is reasonable, although I plan on being a published author someday. I dream of having books published--many of them, not just one or two, but as many as I can produce and that editors are willing to accept. To reach this goal I know that I need to spend more time writing. To achieve your goals you must work at them, and I am. Slowly...much more slowly than I would like. But hopefully one day I will have a complete novel manuscript, and then two, and then ten, and maybe even a book accepted for publication. It won't happen tomorrow and it may not have happened in ten years, but someday. Someday I will achieve my dreams. Writing and being an author are two of my most cherished goals in life. Perhaps some other day I will tell you about some of my other dreams, but for tonight it is time to say good-bye. (May the universe be with you...)