Dreamer...

I would recommend skipping yesterday's post. I am continually reminded that I love photography. I am by no means a master at it, but I do enjoy it. I might post some pictures on here, but I would like people's permission first, so not today. One of my friends let me take her bridals. I looked back at them yesterday. I enjoyed it. The lighting in some of them could have been better, but overall I am pleased with my work. I would love to take engagement pictures for friends (sometimes I wish I could take my own engagement pictures when the time comes, but that is not possible). I do often take pictures of myself using the techniques of mirror photography and pointing the camera back at myself and hoping for the best. I have quite a few of these sorts of pictures and I'm not sure if I'm vain or just like experimenting with the camera or want a record of the outfit I've put together. Perhaps it is a combination of all three.

Today I also remembered how much I enjoy children. I went over to my friend's house and played with her baby while she cleaned. She said her baby really likes me. I have been told that often enough throughout my life, but sometimes I wonder. I used to think taking care of children was a talent of mine. However, that notion was vehemently denied by my parents a few years back. That shook by faith in my ability to take care of children. I thought I had done a good job of helping raise my younger siblings, but perhaps I am mistaken. But, whether I am good with children or not, I do so enjoy them. They are fun to play with. And it doesn't hurt that they are generally very accepting. And they do the cutest things. I firmly believe that we can learn much from children. I look forward to the day when I have children, although I sometimes worry about my capability to be a good mother. I can promise my future children that I shall try my best.

One thing I love about my job is seeing the children and babies that come through my line (I work as a cashier at a local grocery store). I also enjoy many of my other customers. I have come to recognize a lot of the regular customers and they are kind to me. Some take the time to talk with me and they remember the things I tell them. Certain customers bring a smile to my face and I love seeing them. Working as a cashier is fatiguing and I have a hard time doing it full time, but I do enjoy it (despite the drawbacks). While I do enjoy my job, I should be looking for a new one. A difficult task, and not just because of the economic climate. I sometimes struggle with having confidence in myself. I spent many years with low self esteem. Sometimes I wonder if I am qualified for any job at all. My health problems make it more difficult for me to feel that I can guarantee anything since I never know when something else is going to go wrong with my health. But, having health problems means I need to get a job with benefits (the most important being health insurance). I know I'm the kind of person who insurance companies do not want since I use them on a regular basis (they much prefer the people who are in perfect health and never need to draw on them).

As you may be beginning to see, I can go on and on and on when it comes to writing--at least when my mind is in gear. As I mentioned before, my writing is not a masterpiece, but I think it is time for me to move beyond the desire to have everything I produce be a masterpiece. In high school my dad would remind me that I shouldn't compare myself with published authors and famous artists. I think that is reasonable, although I plan on being a published author someday. I dream of having books published--many of them, not just one or two, but as many as I can produce and that editors are willing to accept. To reach this goal I know that I need to spend more time writing. To achieve your goals you must work at them, and I am. Slowly...much more slowly than I would like. But hopefully one day I will have a complete novel manuscript, and then two, and then ten, and maybe even a book accepted for publication. It won't happen tomorrow and it may not have happened in ten years, but someday. Someday I will achieve my dreams. Writing and being an author are two of my most cherished goals in life. Perhaps some other day I will tell you about some of my other dreams, but for tonight it is time to say good-bye. (May the universe be with you...)