Decisions

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions. Sometimes it is difficult for me to decide what to do with my time. It is not that I cannot think of anything to do, it's more that I can decide what to do out of all the possibilities. What would be the best use of my time? What should I do? What is most important? What would make me the most happy? What would be most productive? What would bring me the most joy? And sometimes as I consider these I also wonder if I even have enough energy to do them? Is that spot of time and spec of energy enough to call my friend? write a thank-you note? watch a movie and work on my cross-stitching? read a book? start typing up my journals? And so on. So what do I end up doing with my time? Well, it depends, but I've got to admit that something I end up spending all my time wondering and doing nothing (not the most productive use of my time, I know).

Faeries are fabulous, just in case you wanted to know.

Both of my arms are currently hurting. That also puts a kink in the "what should I do" question and search. I'm mildly concerned that the carpal tunnel is returning in my right arm (although I never was completely convinced that it was entirely gone in the first place). I am hoping that I can get some answers from my rheumatologist in the next few weeks as I have a couple appointments with him. However, I learned long ago not to expect doctors to have answers. Much of the time, perhaps even most of the time, they don't really have any answers (at least in my experience). Recently I have begun wondering if perhaps I have a sleeping disorder. It seems reasonably possible that my disordered sleeping is not simply caused by my lack of sleep hygiene nor simply my pain interferring with my sleep. Although, perhaps stress is another factor that disturbs my sleep as well. Perhaps I will never know. I'm sure I have been diagnosed with plenty of things already. I usually can't remember them all at any given moment.

Things are looking up for me...at least financially. Barring any more catatrophes or money drains, I'd say I might be able to go to the dentist in May (I need to go to the dentist so that he can glue one of my dental bridges back on--currently it can come completely off. It has been like that for a few months, actually, but I haven't had the time or money to do anything about it. I would also like the dentist to just check to see if I have any cavaties. I used to not have to worry about them, but now that I have had some, I figure it is always good to check to see if there are more and if there are to get them taken care of as soon as possible).

I've often wished for a machine that could scan my entire body and then print out a reading detailing everything that is wrong with my body. Wouldn't that make life much easier. But, at the same time, that might be overwhelming. Finding out too much at one moment might be more than a sane person could deal with. But still. I know a friend who might like such a machine. From what she tells me, she is dealing with something I've dealt with before and that is going to the doctor when you feel awful and having them tell you nothing is wrong--or at least they cannot determine what is wrong with you. Such happenings are extremely frustrating. If they continue over the years you might even begin to question your own sanity. Are you really in pain? Is your mind just making it up? Are you just trying to get attention, despite the fact that you prefer to fade into the background? Are you a hypochondriac? Maybe this is normal since it is normal for you. You also find that many people have no interest in hearing what's wrong with you. Your pain does not hurt them. They may even think you are making it up. Or they might advise you to simply move beyond it and get things done. And so you do, or at least try to as best you can.

I have a sort of theory, or hypothesis, about why my body is falling apart on me at this time. I have been very focused on college and on working toward my goal of graduating from college since I was in seventh grade. So, I have pushed my body and mind as far as I could in order to achieve my goal. I have done whatever I have felt was necessary in order to further my progress. I worked my butt off in high school so that I could get good grades (aka. A's) so that I would get accepted to BYU. Once at BYU I worked as hard as I could to do well in my classes and I tried to keep my academic scholarship as a way to help me be able to pay for my schooling, since I also had a goal of graduating from college without having to take out a loan (I almost made it and have mostly made peace with the fact that I didn't). One summer I worked 60 hours a week. I worked two jobs--8 hour days during the week and 10-hour days on the weekends. I continually pushed my body to wake up early or stay of late in order to finish homework. I carried around my backpack--fitting as much in it as I could before it was just too heavy. So, all this is an introduction to my theory, which is "My body if falling apart on me now because I pushed it so hard to achieve my goal of graduating from college." Now that might seem a little dramatic to some people, but I contiually told my body that it couldn't fall apart on my yet because I really had to finish that semester or I really had to work mucho hours in order to pay for school. And my body wasn't perfect. It broke down bit by bit. By my last semester I was only able to manage four classes and working around fifteen hours a week. And even then I felt like I was falling apart at the seams. Over the years my ability to think and process seems to have diminished. My ability to concentrate has decreased. (and I am not joking) I know that classes get harder as you move up in college; however, it is not just there that my mind and memory have failed me. I've always had some difficulty with remembering things, but in recent years it has gotten worse. Now, I try not to focus too much of my time and attention on this aspect of my life, but it is true. I figure it is wound up in with my other medical problems...most especially I see it as a part of my fibromyalgia. At times I wonder if it is just normal to have this sort of difficulty with remembering things, but I do know that I had a sharper memory as a child, even in high school and my beginning years in college. My memorization skills are failing. I feel like I graduated from college but am not sure of my ability to do anything. Whether it is my mind or body getting in my way. (Yes, I know I've included a number of fragments in today's entry, but I like fragments and I feel like they express what I want them to. I apologize if they annoy or confuse you.)

Confidence is an area I continue to need to work on. I've decided to be done with the previous topic for today, but I shall probably revisit it in the future. Well, my left arm is beginning to complain that I have typed for too long. Or perhaps it is just hurting more and I'm wanting it to hurt less. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you may be pursuing at this time in your life. Amen. Amen. And Amen.