New Years is Coming...

Today I spent the day in dreamland--literally. I have many dreams, hopes, and goals for the new year. For example, I'd like to earn money--that's a goal, and a hope. I dream of moving back to Provo. I have a goal to exercise two to three times a week. And many more. But all of these seem hard, almost overwhelming when looked at in the context of my life. Now, I'm sure I have a tendency to make problems appear where there are none, and I know I allow my fears to trip me up...I know it's silly to let life overwhelm me like it so often does. What I need to do is have patience and trust in the Lord. Yet I can't leave everything up to the Lord.

I did achieve one goal this month--I made, in time for Christmas, presents for each person in my family that would be home (I still have to make Byron's).
My arms and entire body hurt much more than they did a month ago, but I accomplished something and proved to myself that I am not a complete coward and wimp. However, I am still in a quandary as to how far I can reasonably push myself.

Lately I've played a lot of the game Jungle Jewels. I've actually been playing it as I write this post, whenever I get to a point where I'm not sure what to say next...like right now:)

It feels good to work towards and accomplish a goal, but sometimes I need help beyond my own. Yet, I can't expect daily, or even biweekly help from people. Unfortunately it is too much to ask for continuous help. Life gets busy, things happen, and so I need to be my own help, I guess. My own champion. Rewards can help, but it works better when it comes from an outside source. Punishments are even harder.

Now I'm playing on Pixiehollow.com :>) I love how beautiful Pixie Hollow is!



I've frittered away the day in sleep and the evening in play, but perhaps tonight I can get something done (like starting work on Byron's Christmas present) while I watch TV and movies. Before I do that though, I want to do some indexing (indexing.familysearch.org)

As I've done blog mining for Rick Walton, I've not found blogs with lots of writing advice and links, I've also discovered how awesome blogs can be. I've looked at some pretty nice ones. All the ones I've been looking at I've found though www.asuen.com/blog/blogroll.shtml.

I really like Marcia Lynn McClure's books. Lately I've been in the mood for them. I'd love to buy more of her books, but I'm broke, so I'll just have to reread the ones I have:) They are not the most literary of books, but they are fun and enjoyable to read. Plus they make me happy:) She is such a fun and happy person:) I like buying her ebooks since I get them almost immediately. But I also really like physical copies of her books too. But enough about Marcia (www.marcialynnmcclure.com/).

I really do want to get some indexing done before I start watching tv and movies for the night. So to you I shall say "good night." :)

'Tis the Season

Christmas is coming... For the past month I've been working on cross-stitching Christmas presents for my family. The house is decorated, the snow has come--it's Christmas time. Hot Chocolate with a mini candy cane in it. Christmas movies (I recommend Santa and Pete among others--so many others) and memories of years gone by. I love the spirit of giving that is refreshed in our hearts at this time of year. And the Christmas music uplifts my heart. Tonight I've stayed up late cross-stitching and designing Yahoo Avatars.

The very best thing about Christmas, though, is that is reminds us of Christ. Of His birth and of His life. His teachings and His divine sacrifice for us. Think of what Mary felt as she held this tiny baby in her arms. While she knew he was special, I doubt she could comprehend what his mission in life would be. And yet, he was her son. He was her precious child. Christ came from humble beginnings, yet he would achieve greatness beyond imagine. His is our Lord and our King. Our Savior and Redeemer. Our elder brother who beckons us home.

And so, at this Christmas season, might we be grateful for the blessings of our life and for the Life Everlasting that is possible through Jesus Christ.

Merry Christmas to All, and to All a Good Night!

Time...

Why is it that so often when I have time to do some of the things on my to do list, all I want to do is things that I can do any other time... I'm probably not making any sense. But I guess that's cause I'm kind of tired. I keep staying up late working on Christmas presents for my family, but I really do want to get them done in time. I almost kind of want to work on them now...that or sleep...or read...or just relax... You see my problem? Maybe you don't, but I do.

Many times I have difficulty deciding what to do with my time. I think that sometimes I spend more time trying to decide what would be the best use of my time than doing things. I'm often not very good at spending my time well...and come to think of it, I'm not very good at spending money well either. I guess I just need to work on getting better at these things.

I like cross-stitching while watching tv and movies. 'Cause then I'm getting stuff done and doing something fun. I used to also get stuff done on my computer while watching tv, but now since my computer doubles as my tv, it can't really happen.

Cross Stitching

I love cross-stitching! I find it enjoyable and relaxing. I like all the different patterns and of course all the various colors of embroidery floss. I found this cool website online that offers you free patterns everyday. If any of you go to http://cross-stitchers-club.com/?code_avantage=okyjcc and join I will receive points to access patterns from previous days. I'd love you forever if you did! (Although I'll probably love you forever if you don't). Cross-stitching does bother my arms some, but I'm trying to manage that with some exercises I learned from people who went through my line at Day's market and gave me advice on how to help my carpal tunnel. One of the persons who gave me advice was a massage therapist--I trust her advice the most, and it does help--which is good.

It is late and I need to get myself off to bed. But, I thought I'd let y'all know about one of my hobbies. Jenn reintroduced me to it and taught me how to be a competent cross-stitcher--Thanks Jenn!!!

Navigation...Navigating...Navigated...

I've decided I need to get some pictures on my blog, particularly one of me. Which, actually wasn't why I decided to write a new blog post, although photography is a hobby of mine, though I'm not particularly splendid at it. But, why I decided to write, now doesn't seem as demanding a subject, which is a poor reflection on me since I was going to write about the death of a high school boy in my community. It is sad, especially since he has a twin brother, but in my defense I do not know them and am actually fairly removed from the Buena Vista community at the moment. It is rather sad, I know. I think losing someone so close to you, such as a twin would be difficult. I don't have much understanding when it comes to people dying since death hasn't really touched my life much. And, I must admit, that do kind of have a skewed vision of death. See, I moved a number of times as a child. And in general all the people that were near and dear to my heart at the time were separated from me, I had no more contact with them, and while there is always a slim chance that I'd meet them again--it was and is slim. And so in a way, moving is like death. You are no longer in contact, your lives have gone in separate directions. It is true what they say: "You can't go back to when you were happy." All you can do is move forward, though the past will always be a part of you.

In this modern age we have many more ways to keep in contact, and it does help. I mean earlier I was reading Camilla's blog and it was almost like have her near for a moment. Not as wonderful as seeing her in person, but certainly an uplift. But even then, it is pretty much impossible to stay in contact with everyone. It's not that I don't care for people, it's just...I don't even know. I do what I can, I try. I don't know what my future holds. I really have like no clue. It's kind of like walking into the dark and not being sure what's there. It's a bit frightening, though I do not fear per se, since I know the Lord will guide me, but it's kind of scary nonetheless. Plus, I have to do my part and I'm not completely sure what that is exactly, but I'm trying. I do spend a lot of time in pursuits that are perhaps not the most productive of activities. But, I am trying to get better and I am trying to figure out how to navigate my life.

I have many dreams and hopes for the future. I have the future I'd like tucked away in my heart. I would love to be a wife, mother, and author. However, at the moment I am not really close to achieving any of those goals/dreams. So, I'm trying to figure out how to make money to support myself. I have a BA in English. I did minor in editing, and I enjoy book layout and design. I would like to learn more about design and whatnot and have even started considering getting a degree in Graphic Design. Book design is something I enjoy and something that could possibly work out as a job for me. That is good. It all sounds good, right? So, why do I hesitate...well, for one thing, education costs money. I need money in order to get another degree. Getting a degree takes time, thus limiting the time I have to earn money in. If I moved back to Utah Valley, which would be my preference, I'd like to return to interning for Rick Walton, I'd want to got to Leading Edge at least once a week--preferably more, I'd like to work at the temple, and I could always see about interning for Cedar Fort's production department.

And all that doesn't even throw my health issues into the equation. My doctor once asked me if I was sure I could work 40 hours a week. At the time I told her "what other choice is there?" However, since then, I've moved home, because I literally couldn't work enough hours to pay my bills. And I'm really not sure if I could work 40 hours a week. I'd like to think I could. I mean, one summer I worked 60 hours a week the entire summer...unfortunately I believe doing things like that, may have contributed to my body's increased complaints of recent years. Sometimes I wonder if my knowledge of some of what is wrong with me hinders my ability to cope with and navigate through life. Is it "all in my mind"? I'm not sure I have an answer.

Be Not Discouraged

Why is it so hard for me to accomplish things, to get things done? What is my problem? I'm not sure I know. Perhaps I just need to learn greater self-discipline. That could be my problem. It certainly seems like the most likely answer. Selfishness could stand as a cause for my lack of self-discipline. So, now then, how do I overcome selfishness...the answer I generally here for that is service. And what is the cure for lack of discipline...work? It's a wonder I've accomplished anything in my life. But, I do know that if I want to accomplish things in the rest of my life it will require tons of hard work!

I do love good music.

I guess I also have trouble keeping goals...although I have achieved some goals in my life. I created a to do list to try to help me get things done and it has helped a little bit, but I still have a lot of improvement that is needed. I do allow good things to distract me from doing the best things.

Writing is often a slow process for me...often only a sentence or two at a time...the more important I consider it, often the longer it takes. Although there are times when I experience rushes of inspiration, and I write much quicker when I'm not worried about how I sound, going more for stream of conscious than sounding good or making it be good writing.

Sometimes I like to multitask. I see it as a way to get things done while not...you see often I can't seem to face the things I need to do, or they seem too overwhelming or whatnot. So, for example, right now I'm listening to music and rating it in my iTunes, I'm playing on pixiehollow.com (which I do quite love), and writing here.

Don't be discouraged...that is something I must strive for and perhaps that will help me with overcoming my selfishness and with developing more self control. Happy Weekend:)

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I wrote my last post. I now live at home with my family in Buena Vista, VA (and I am quite enjoying the beautiful fall colors and autumn weather). Living at home provides me with the opportunity to sleep more and not participate in such arduous activities, which helps my body not hurt quite as much. I spend much of my time reading, which I enjoy, of course. I also attend an institute class--Presidents of the Church--and volunteer for SVU's literary magazine, The Review. I do miss having easy access to InDesign and Photoshop. I often miss my friends from Utah--people in my ward, at Day's Market, Leading Edge, and even from when I worked at the Wilk. I've been doing more indexing since I got home as part of my calling (sort of). I really enjoy indexing, although I usually only get two batches done a week.

I ought to write more, but I think this will be all for right now. Hopefully I'll write again soon.

Miscellani

I had some crazy dreams last night. Right now, instead of going to my internship early, I'm staying and watching Brian Regan. LOL. He's actually pretty funny. Today will be my last Saturday night working at Day's! After that I have two more day's of work and then I have to get to major league packing and whatnot. I am really starting to look forward to driving across the country and to seeing my friends. Doesn't relaxing sound so wonderful. It will be interesting to see what my SED rate is, especially since my knees were killing me yesterday and whatnot. I'm don't think the cortisone shot they gave me on Monday helped that much, it didn't really make the pain any better, but maybe it lowered my SED rate.

It seems like there was something else I was going to write about...oh, right. Last night I went to Marcia Lynn McClure's meet and greet in Orem. It was a long wait, but worth it. I totally bought two more of here books, even though I really can't afford it. I need to work on the whole buying things I can't afford. Oh, yesterday Rick Walton called me his assistant:). I enjoy working with him. I hope he still emails me stuff to do even when I'm in VA. My back is hurting right now:(, among other things. I still have lots of things to do before I move. I have gotten quite a bit done (in part due to the great help of friends), and getting everything else done will require lots of help from others, but I do need to try and get stuff done that only I can do. I've been on an NCIS kick lately. And I've given in to it a lot since I've been pretty worn out and hurting lately.

I am going to miss Leading Edge. I am also going to miss access to InDesign. I continually realize how much I love doing book layout and design! I guess I should really get going. But, yeah. Life's good despite life's various pitfalls. Until next time...au revoir

It's late

Hi, it's late and I should probably get ready for bed soon. But it's been awhile since I've written, so I decided to take a moment to write. My life is going to be changing soon. I'm moving in two weeks. That is really not that much time when you think about it. I have goals for when I get home. Number one is to work on sleep. Some of the others are Writing!, nutrition, health in general, and who knows what else. Oh, I'd like to do more scanning of Family History stuff, and Mom and Dad's photos. My doctor wasn't horribly pleased to see that my SED rate is back up to 30. But...well, that's just kind of how my life goes. Which is okay. I really should go to bed soon, 'cause I'm hungry and I do want to go to the temple tomorrow since it is about the only free time I have to go this week. Which reminds me, I need to email Rick Walton to let him know when I can work this week.

I have many dreams in life. I'm not sure how many of them will be fulfilled (or in what way/how different from what I might imagine) but that's okay...you know what they say about reaching for the stars. I enjoy book layout and design. I really do enjoy it. InDesign is one of my all time favorite computer programs. The internet is pretty awesome too.

I can't let myself stress out. I was a bit earlier. It is easy to do. Very easy. But, that's okay. The powercord for my laptop died yesterday (there was a blue spark, and then nothing) so I got a new one, it's not quite as great as my last one, but it will do, it will do. I really should go to bed. I am feeling rather tiredish despite the nap I took earlier today. It's nice to have friends.

Until next time.................

The good and the bad

My SED rate is back up to 30, but on the good side my Rhematoid factor is still negative. I didn't expect my expect my SED rate to be so high, but I figured it would be higher since I've been hurting so much lately. I have a feeling my Rheumatologist won't be quite pleased with my SED rate, but whatever. I haven't felt like doing much lately. Right now I'm watching "Guys and Dolls," but I am also doing my laundry so I am being semi-productive.

I'm a bit tiredish. I should still at least try to be somewhat productive tonight. TTFN

Just Keep Swimming...

Arrrrgh. ... I guess I need to learn to be a better people person, or at least improve my skills at interacting with people--improve them a lot. It doesn't help that I'm tired, and stressed and worn out, a bit worried, and of course hurting. I have gotten a lot done, thought, the past couple of days with the help of one of my friends. It would have taken me weeks to get done what we got done in two days. So, there's been a lot of progress made on packing my stuff, but now I kind of need to focus on all the other things I need to get done before I move. A lot of the things I need to get done before I move, well, I can only do them, but then, there are things I can't seem to do because it is either too overwhelming or I don't have enough energy, but people don't understand not having enough energy to cook soup, or spaghetti, etc. So, such is life. I will survive. And I'll just have to not worry about things such as my arms starting to hurt more, my speedometer sometimes staying at zero, etc.

Well, I guess I'd best get going on at least some of that stuff that I need to get done. Hasta Luego.

When You Can't Sleep

So, it's been awhile since I last wrote. I'm sorry that I haven't written much lately, but life is kind of busy and stressful and even overwhelming at times. I have SO much to do before I move home and to get ready to move home. The last couple of days I've started to have people ask me if I'm doing ok. LOL. I usually feel horrible, but generally it is not visible to other people (one of the trademarks of Fibromyalgia). I chatted online with Emily last night, which was wonderful and definitely brightened my day. People have offered help, but it is hard for me to say--I have no energy to prepare food for myself. Would you cook this spaghetti/rice/soup/etc. up for me. It just sounds so ridiculous! But really that would help me. The one person I feel sort of comfortable asking about doing such hasn't been at church the past couple of weeks, so...yeah. Sometimes I still wonder if it is all just in my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I really do have FM, but then as I think about it I always come to the conclusion that I do have it. At times I was successful at reasoning away having depression, but I never seem to succeed with Fibromyalgia (and I did have depression and am still taking medication for it).

So, the reason I'm writing at this early hour is 'cause I can't sleep. Even though I took my sleep meds, still I woke up in the middle of the night (which still happens with my sleep meds), but unlike other times, I can't fall back asleep. After 45 minutes I generally feel that it is pointless to keep tossing and turning and trying to ignore the aching and hurting. So, I turn on my computer (I don't have a booklight yet so I can't read). Now...I'm making some calls.

I'm hungry, maybe I'll go eat some breakfast. TTFN:)

Variousness

Another day is almost done. Today after church I went up to Pleasant Grove, UT, and recorded some of the memories my mom's uncle Milton has of my mom's parents. It was very enjoyable. Life can be crazyish, but that's okay. Sometimes it is difficult to decide what to do with my time. I think part of my problem is wanting it to be the "BEST" use of my time.

Do you ever feel like you're failing at life? I do. Especially when I hear my roommates talking about what they do and have done in life and what they expect others to do. And that's where I fail. But whatever. I'm just going to try and keep my life in line with the Lord and try to live so that I am always worthy for His advice. I mean there is some good things in what they're saying, but I guess I feel like their words are condemning me and yeah, so yeah. I guess my mindset is what is messed up.

"Someday my prince will come..." and he won't be perfect, but I'll love him and he'll love me and with a lot of work we'll be happy. Life will continue to be quite hard...but we'll make it, with the Lord's help. I'm willing to be patient though. I don't expect I'll get married anytime soon. It is something I look forward to in my life, and something I want to work towards, but yeah.

"Learn to take advice from people who care about you, even if you don't use it..." or something like that...I just heard my roommate Jesse say it, I'm not sure if I got the part after the comma right though--but it was that basic idea.

This last week wore me out quite a lot. And caused my carpal tunnel to flare up...oh well. I'm not working much this next week though. But, I still need to try and get a bunch of stuff done!

I need to decide what time I'm going to go to bed tonight. And what time I'm going to try and get up tomorrow. I should really try to get on a better sleep schedule...but things like not getting home from work until midnight doesn't help any. I keep getting scheduled 7 AM-4PM one day and 4-11:30PM the next. Luckily I've had coworkers who will trade or take the 7AM shift for me. I'm not too fond of getting up that early.

I like writing. I need to do it more often and be more diligent about it. Take small steps if needed, but I need to keep taking steps! Just small steps...over and over and over, until I reach success. It's a long road, but I do believe I can set and reach achievable goals. We had a lesson in Relief Society today about making goals and taking actions and whatnot. One girl quoted Yoda--"Do or do not, their is no try."

Sometimes I think we could all be a bit more tolerant. I know I need to work on being less judgemental and whatnot. "Judge not that ye be not judged."

I hope I can get my car fixed this week. I hope to take it in on Tuesday. Especially since it is getting hotter and not even being able to have the fan on makes it even more hot in my car (I don't have AC). We'll I guess I'm going to get going...Hasta Luego.

I'm exhausted

I am so exhausted. One more day to go...I'm working almost 40 hours this week and it's killing me. Good thing I am only working 15 hours next week (I was scheduled for more, but gave it to someone who wanted more hours--I'll just have to try and get lots of hours in at my internship). My arms are hurting too. I've been fairly clumsy the last few days. I'm serious when I say my body does not like me working so much. It is not so happy with me. Today I spent $110 on meds :(. I know that's not a ton of money, but it seems like it to me at the same time. And today I even got off work early, so i didn't even work a full 8 hours. When I got home today i took an hour nap 'cause i was just too exhausted to do anything. Then i ate some dinner and finished reading a book that's due Monday. I'm probably going to go see a movie tonight with my roommate and some of her friends (she said she'd pay for me--there's no way I can afford it).

I've been spending too much money lately, especially on food. I need to get better at that. I have so much to do before I move home. A couple of people have offered help though, so I plan on taking them up on it...'cause i really do need help. I'm using movies to help keep me sane. I can do this, I can make it through life...as was mentioned in the book I finished reading--After much tribulation comes the blessing. And the people in the book experinced lots of tribulation, so, I can make it. I can do this. Somehow, someway...relying on the Lord to lift me up and keep me from falling down too hard.

I've been packing up some of my books and mailing them home. Hopefully my uncle can store some of my stuff out here. Maybe I won't go to the movie. Well, TTFN

miscellany

Martha James Cragun, one of my ancestors, was an amazing woman.

I hurt...especially my left ankle and lower leg...I'm not sure what is wrong with it. Also my left arm is really starting to hurt. Among other pains, of course. I had a brain MRI this week...just to rule out having anything wrong with my brain that would be causing dizziness and tingling. My SED rate is down to 6, which is really good, but I'm still in bunches of pain. I'll finish up with my temporary meds on Monday, which means I need to call my rheumatologist to see what the next step is. Yesterday I was at my internship for 6 hours. I really enjoyed it. Today I'll only be able to go for a couple hours since I have work at 4 PM. My back is really hurting. I discovered goodreads.com this week. I really like it. I also joined twitter. I read part of an article about it as I was waiting for my MRI and it made it sound interesting, so I joined.

I have lots and lots of stuff I need to do and get done before I move home in August. I should probably get going now...go to my internship or whatever. I also need to try and not stress out too much...and stuff like that. Hasta Luego.

A Myriad of Thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts going through my semi-spinning brain. And yet, it some ways I have difficulty remembering them all. I am tired, even though I slept okayish last night--definitely better than most nights lately. I also have difficulty thinking straight, which makes things a bit more difficult. At some point I am going to have to ask for help. I've got lots to do, not a ton of energy, etc. In short, it's inevitable that I am going to have to ask help in order to get things done. I'm like so tired and yet I have somewhat of a long day ahead of me, but I'll make it--not a problem. So tired...oh do tired. Yesterday I went to Lagoon, which was lots of fun...but afterwards I was way tired. And last night I took two of my sleep meds to help me sleep, and they did help me sleep, before I went to bed I felt like I was running into myself (I know that sounds weird, but that is how it feels), same as I felt when I was so extremely tired on Tuesday. Tengo sueño.

Last night I did like all of my mounds of laundry, and then...the drier doesn't work. Hopefully it will get fixed soon...or they'll eventually dry on their own...maybe. Hopefully it gets fixed, I called my landlord...so, hopefully. Wow, it looks like I got tanned a bit yesterday:). I didn't burn 'cause I put on sunscreen, so I didn't expect to tan any. Well, I'm not complaining. BTW, steampunk is way cool. One time a few years back, when I was riding the bus to and from Lindon everyday for work, as I was sitting at the bus stop, a guy talked to me about Steampunk for the whole time we waited for the bus. It was the first I'd heard of it...but truly, it's way cool.

I love the rain...right now I am listening to the rain on the sun-roof in the HumPub. Yesterday I finished reading The Bonemender. I really liked it. And I discovered there are two sequels to it, so I'll be looking into reading them. I wonder what causes tingling. I really do wonder. I'm thinking of asking my doctor, and I know there are probably lots of causes, but still it would be nice to know.

My body, especially my joints, have been hurting a way lot this week. It will be interesting to see what my sed rate is. What is confusing is when I feel the burning pain that my rheumatoligist's Nurse Practitioner said is associated with arthritis in places that are not my joints, like the middle of my lower arm. Although, earlier this week I felt the burning pain extending from my knee down half my lower leg. I need to learn more about how to describe pain, since I experience lots of it and my doctors ask what kind of pain I am feeling and I have difficulty describing it. Like right now in my elbow I have this tingling pain. And whatnot. With all this pain though, I thought it was supposed to be getting better since I'm taking this temporary med that my rheumatoligist thinks should reduce my inflammation. Joan, one of my co-workers, said that my tons of pain is probably caused by the stormy weather we have been having. And perhaps it could be in part because of my lack of sleep that I've been experiencing lately. ¿Quién sabe?

I want, and eventually will, get an external hard-drive. Right now I'm thinking all probably get a 320 GB portable external hard-drive, since they are pretty much the cheapest. I want to get one sooner than later so that I can get the rest of my stuff off my old computer, so I can take it to DI, so I have room on my desk to set up my scanner. I have more thoughts, but I don't really have more time...Seeing as how I need to be at my internship in like less than an hour and stuff like that. I think I might spend a quick few moments doing some family history searching on Ancestry.com before I leave for my internship. Have a wonderful day and search "star wars awesome poster" on google images.

PS sometimes I feel clautrophbicish.

LOL...and so forth

You want to hear something funny? The other day I was taking a shower and I was so tired and out of it that I totally started putting shampoo on my face rather than my hair. Luckily I realized it before I got to close to my eyes, but it was rather funny. Last night I got stuff accomplished--yay! I have almost everything off my old computer, which is good. I kind of need more electronic storage space though so I can get the rest of it off. Then I am going to take it to DI, along with my old printer which needs work to be in working condition. I'm keeping my scanner though...totally keeping my scanner. I'd love to get it set up and scan things, but I don't have memory space yet or physical space either, but once I get rid of my old computer I should have both. Being at home I'm going to miss having access to InDesign and Photoshop. There is still a lot I'd like to learn about those programs, too, especially photoshop.

Today I went to the eye doctor...finally. It cost me a bunch of money, but soon I'll have nice new glasses--yay! It will be so nice to see clearly after four months of semi-bluriness. They have some really cool machines at the eye doctor's. They have this one that estimates your prescription and another one that measures the distance between your pupils and then, of course, the one that takes a picture of your eyes. Amazingness! I've also got a bit of cooking done in the last week or so. I need to keep it up as best I can 'cause I need to work on eating the food I have rather than buying more food. This way I will save money, which is definitely something I need to work on as much as possible.

I need to learn more about medicaid since that is really what I need to go on come fall. I have already spent like $2,000 in medical expenses this year...excluding paying for health insurance. It's a lot of money and it adds up. Also, I looked at my other options (which are limited) and they are completely unreasonable. I would be spending hundreds of dollars of month on top of the $200 monthly premium. There is just no way I can afford to pay that kind of money. Which is part of the reason I'm moving home...hopefully to recuperate. I figure I'll probably be there like 8 months or so. I'm planning to leave Utah on August 19--only two months away. I've got a lot to do between now and then. At some point I'm probably going to have to start asking people for help--difficult as that is.

I still need to write that blog on faeries. I will do it...eventually. It might not happen until I get out to Virginia, but it will happen. Well, I'm getting kind of hungry, so I better go get something to eat, especially since I have to be at work in less than an hour.

Family History Work

Family History work is so awesome and amazing and I love it! Tonight my roommates and I were talking some about it. There is so much I want to do! I definitely need to make it a bigger priority in my life. As Jesse said, if you make time for family history work, you will be blessed. I'm still in the gathering stages, but that is okay. At some point it will be in better order than it is right now, but currently I am focusing on getting as much information and copies of as many records as I can from Ancestry.com since I have access to it for free when on BYU campus. I wish more records and stuff were digitized. There is so much information out there that would be so much more accesible if it were digitized! When I move home I want to work on scanning in all the family history stuff that my parents have. I'd also love to get copies of all the family history stuff my relatives have.

Well, I should really be getting off to bed. I didn't sleep well last night...couldn't fall asleep... Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight. Especially since I have a rather busy day tomorrow. Hasta Luego (sometimes I miss Mexico...often even...)

Tired...Oh, so tired

Hi, I haven't slept well this week. Thus it is not surprising that I am very tired and worn out. But I just got home from work, so my mind and body aren't quite ready to shut down for a night's sleep. I often feel like it is easier to take naps than to sleep for a long period of time. Oh so tired and...weary? But I can do it, I can make it. I have a lot to do in the next few months...but, I can do it. I love fairy tales. I love Spanish. Leading Edge is awesome, by the way. I also like family history work:) And I really do need to get going on getting ready for bed...hopefully I don't get sucked into playing computer games or something like that. ta ta. PS I love movies and books, too. The movie Enchanted is one of my favorites, and Ella Enchanted one of my favorite books.

I have it--the second half of The Last Templar! I am so happy, somehow it got recorded. I'm pretty tired and worn out. I haven't been sleeping well lately. It is kind of crazy. I've been trying to figure out things in my life. So, as I mentioned last time, I am moving home in August. I'm not sure how long I'll live there, probably a semester or two, maybe more. A semester just seems like too short a time for me to recuperate and whatnot. But I guess we'll see what happens. Earlier this week I didn't even know if I'd ever be moving back to Provo, but I think it will.

Why am I so tired and achy and hurting... It is rather crazyish. Tomorrow's going to be a long day, like every Saturday is. I'm tired, but I took a nap this evening so it's not very likely that I'd be able to fall asleep. And I'm always forgetting what I need to get done. Annoying, huh?

Well, It looks like I am going to watch a movie with my roommate and her boyfriend. And I am going to try and get stuff done while I watch.

It's Happening...

My life is turning. It looks like I'm going to be moving home to Virginia in August. That will definitely spark some change in my life. I'm really not sure where my life is heading, but that's okay. This way it is more of an adventure. Stepping into the semi-unknown. I don't have much time right now. Hopefully I can type more in here later. TTFN

The midnight hour

So, I think I'm going to write a blog post, even though it's like midnight. If I were a more reasonable person I'd be going to bed right now, or at the very least getting ready for bed, but I am not the most reasonable person, so instead I'm writing a blog post--who knows about what...I guess we'll find out. If you were me what would you write about? On Friday I went to my friend Tori's wedding reception--it was nice. I drove out to Wales, UT where it was held. That was a tinsy bit of an adventure...although lately, me driving in general has often been a bit of an adventure...not that I want my driving privileges hampered in any way, but there were definitely times when I really should not have been on the road. I really need to find out how much I owe my rheumatologist and then get that bill paid. I figure once I get paid on Thursday, then I'll be able to pay that bill.

Did I ever mention that I am a hopeless romantic? Well, I am. Have I ever mentioned that I am good at misplacing things? Well, I am, especially at misplacing or losing pens. It's a good thing i have a whole stock pile of them from working custodial at the BYU Conference Center and Wilk. I must especially thank all those EFY kids. I like the EFY t-shirts this year--you can't tell their EFY shirts until close up...before that they look like any sort of designer shirts. Anyway...that's just something I noticed when I was on campus yesterday.

I think my sleep med is starting to kick in and my thought process is becoming more sluggish. I think I'll go to bed soon. I didn't sleep well last night, and I had some crazy dreams...not unusual, but crazy and detailed nonetheless. Well, i should go to bed since I have at least a semi busy day tomorrow. Until next time...Au revoir

Victory!

For some reason it seems to be pale, I don't know why, but whatever, you get the basic idea

Slightly Exhausted

Hi, I'm rather tired. However, this afternoon I had fun playing with a four-year-0ld. And while my arm now hurts and whatnot, that is okay, cause it was a lot of fun. My elbow hurts too and my arm hand was tingling/numbish. But I think it's betterish now. My doctor is going to have me start another round of the temporary medicine and then he wants me to get my SED rate tested again. I figure I'll set up an appointment with my doctor so that she can order it for me and then I can talk with her as well. Okay, so maybe my arms still are a bit numbish, but whatever.

I figure I have some things to figure out in my life--such as paying back my student loan. Such as a new job. I don't know if I've mentioned that subject before, but I think I'd like to work out some of my concerns in my mind by writing them here. So, what am I looking for in a new job--well it needs to be better pay, hopefully with benefits. As it is, come fall, even if I worked 40 hours a week at Day's I still wouldn't be earning enough money to pay my bills, so I need my income to increase. Also, I have very limited options when it comes to health insurance come fall and the best option would to be covered by my job. It would also be good if I got a job that was easier on my body--my doctors would like this and so would I. Let's define easier on my body--not too stressful (aka not editing or other demanding jobs), a job where I'm not required to stand all day (or sit all day, however it would be best if sitting was the majority, but where I get up sometimes too), and I can't think of what else. It would be good if it had a set schedule too.

Okay, that paragraph was starting to overwhelm me. What was I saying... It would be nice if I enjoy the job too. Also, because pain impairs my mental ability so I can't quite think straight, it would be nice if the job wasn't too mentally straining. Anyways. I feel like I'm getting lost in my explanation. Well, anyways, some of my concerns about going about and getting a job. Number one...my physical limitations. Now I know people can't refuse me for such reasons and whatnot, but they concern ME. Others might not see them as a problem, but they worry me a bit. Number two, how can I go get a job and then immediately start asking for time off for doctor appointments and whatever else--that does not seem responsible to me at all. Next, I'm not sure what is next...exhaustion...tiredness...etc...which makes job searching a bit of a difficulty. Especially with all the work that is entailed. Kind of what I have in my mind now is that I will continue to work toward getting a new job...slowly but surely...and hopefully the Lord will drop something in my lap later on this summer. I'm not sure I'm quite ready to give up being a part of the Day's Market community yet.

I'm hungry...I think I might buy a Little Ceaser's Pizza tonight... Right now I'm at Leading Edge:). I worked a bit on the Ward Directory. I think I like the cover I created for it. Maybe I'll see if I can upload a copy of it on here :). Well, I can't seem to get it to work, but I'll try another time. I would like to share it, 'cause I like it. And I think this is all I'm going to write for now all though there is plenty more I could write. But...whatever...we'll save all that for later...another time...

Wonderful

Sometimes I begin to think of all the wonderful things I'd like to learn. Such as photography, web design, and all sorts of other wonderful and marvelous things. I'd like to learn more about photoshop. Creativity is a wonderful thing, as well.

I've been getting quite exhausted lately. And of course I'm pretty much always tired and hurting. But that's normal. Music is also wonderful. Good books and movies, too. And friends and good conversations. I like musicals.

This is a short one, I know. But that's about all my mind can seem to get out...I did mention that I'm rather exhaustedish and that messes with my ability to think. TTFN

The Future

I hurt. I know that is nothing new but it remains to be true. So this morning I was thinking a bit about the future (aka this Fall). I've been feeling quite exhausted lately. This causes me to wonder a bit about my abilities...but at some point I need to move beyond that and find a new job...something I keep realizing is important for me to do before Fall. I'm barely making it financially as it is. When Fall hits my expenses will increase...which means I need to be bringing in more money at that point in order to have any hope of making ends meet. I had a dream last night where rent went up and so I was trying to find somewhere else to live...that is what prompted me to think about the future some more and on my current income, there is no way I'll make it. So, I need to job search and yet as of yet I am not motivated enough to go searching for a new job. Right now I have a job where I have customers and co-workers who care about me...that is going to be a bit hard to give up.

I feel kind of like my mind is rather blank...that could be caused by the tiredness and pain. Sometimes it is hard to push through life. Perhaps I just need a better attitude, as some people think. So, my friend just asked how I was doing and this was my response "I'm tired, I hurt, and I don't want to deal with life." And the wise response is "Life is never so bad that it can't get worse." So true, so true. But that doesn't necessarily make dealing life that much easier...maybe a bit. Life is what it is and I shall make it...somehow.

I like facebook and that it helps me keep in contact with my friends. I'm so tired. I wish I could just go back to sleep rather than facing a full day. Art is wonderful by the way. Anyways, life is crazy and I guess I'm pessimistic. Anyways. Life is what it is and I'll survive. Until next time.

While at work

So, today while I was at work I wrote down some thoughts that I wanted to write in here. So, here it goes. Are you sure everyone else isn't in pain all the time? Maybe only some aren't. It seems like people are often in pain or not feeling well--right? There are plenty others who have backs and heads that hurt--arms, or legs, or ankles, etc. Surely there are plenty others who are in pain all the time. On Friday I went to a massage therapist who looked at and massaged my arms. So now I wonder how much of my pain is caused because of muscles or something like that. Anyways. For the next week he wants me to each night do this thing where I put my arms in ice cold water for 30 seconds, then in warm water for 3 minutes...back and forth six times each. But, I didn't do it last night...part of my folly of last night. I wasn't so smart...I ended up spending lots of hours reading and whatnot...but it wasn't even that great of a book...but whatever...

It seems like I am generally out of it. Me duele la cabeza :(

I was going to write about other stuff but my ability to concentrate is dwindling. Tomorrow I go to that career workshop thing again...I don't want to but I will anyway. Sometimes/often I get annoyed way too easily and it seems like I don't really want to face life currently. I would much rather escape into books and whatnot. And yeah...I think that's all for tonight.

hopefully patient

So, this will probably be a rather short post since I want to watch a movie before I go to bed (in my defense, I took a nap between work and Leading Edge, so the likelihood of me falling asleep before midnight anyway is practically nil). As for the title, tonight I was thinking about how much more patient I am than I used to be. When I was a teen I coined the following phrase: "Patience is a virtue, that I haven't got." I loved that phrase, but since that time I have had many a lesson in patience and I'm sure I'll have plenty more in my life, but the point is that I a much more patient than I used to be. As for hope, well I'm sure that is something I could work on, but I think the fact that I don't give in to despair sufficient proof that I am not completely void of hope.

As is usual, I'm in lots of pain. In some ways I feel like the amount of joint pain I'm regularly experiencing is increasing. I could be wrong, but still. It is most definitely increasing in joints that didn't bother me too much before...such as my hip, and elbow, and such. But, such is my life. It is sad, but in some ways I'd like to have RA just as a way to explain all the pain I am in, not that I don't have enough diagnoses already.

Today it was once again confirmed to me that copy editing is not my calling in life, and really not something I really enjoy. I'm okay with substantive editing, but copy editing, well, yeah, not my cup of tea. I have been SO thirsty today. It is somewhat annoying. I have drunk over 150 oz. of water and still my tongue is dry and I am way thirsty. Frustration. But whatever.

Well, i should start the movie soon, but I had a bit to say and I wanted to share it. I hope you are having a wonderful day!

Life is good...more or less

Hi, so I finally found Lydia's blog :) (go facebook!). And tomorrow I'm attending a career workshop thing. I don't necessarily want to go, but I need to, so I'm going, want to or not. I'd much rather stay up late reading or such and then sleep in. Instead I get to drag myself out of bed at a way to early of an hour (8AM) and spend my entire day learning how to go about getting a job--what fun. It was a pretty day outside today.

I'm not sure that this will be that long of a post. My mind feels kind of out of it, and my arms are hurting. I tried to help my friend get her sport kite flying, and apparently my arm is taking exception to me trying to throw it up into the air--go figures. But whatever. Kites are awesome!

I went to the library today--oh how I love books! They are so wonderful. And they make me happy :), and yeah. I'm not sure how early I should try going to bed...probably around eleven, so maybe I can get in half an hour of reading before I have to start getting ready for bed. Hasta Luego, hopefully my next post will be more interesting.

Me duele...

So, I'm going to write a quick blog post and then go to bed, since it is late and I'm not feeling the greatest (yesterday I discovered the following warning on the new medicine I'm taking: "This medicine may lower your ability to fight off infections. Avoid contact with people who have contagious diseases." LOL, like I can do that). Anyway. Tonight I watched "Enchanted." It is one of my favorite movies. I've been hurting a lot today. Tonight I tried to look at doing some cross-stitching, but that caused a bunch of pain in my arms, so I couldn't work on anything. I think sometimes I wish there was even more wrong with me--perhaps as an excuse to spoil myself, or at least a way to justify spending more time trying to take care of myself. Currently, my arms do hurt and that does limit me some, but at least with my job, I plan to use my arms until I just can't take the pain anymore, when it becomes unbearable, like it was in March.

It is sometimes hard to be limited by my arms...to not be able to do things I want to do because of the pain it will cause. It can be frustrating at times. I really should go to bed. That would probably help my headache. I took a nap earlier, so we will see what kind of luck I have with sleeping, but I did take the new meds to help me sleep, and it's been working fairly well, so hopefully it will help tonight. It's a good thing I can sleep in tomorrow, but I can't sleep in too late, 'cause I need to go to my internship in the afternoon. Ta ta for now :)

PS There will be more interesting posts sometimes...I promise...soon I'll write one on faeries...

More medical...

So, it's been awhile since I wrote on here. So, my SED rate is 25 now, so my rheumatologist put me on another medicine. I think I need to learn more about anatomy so that I can have a better idea of what is going on with my body. So, I'm starting to keep track of the money I spend on medical expenses, on the off chance that some year they will allow me to get lower taxes or something like that. I haven't got everything for this year in there yet, but it is already over a thousand dollars, so I am well on my way. Whether I make it for this year or not kind of depends on how things go with lowering my inflammation and whether or not any other medical disasters happen in my life or something like that...we'll see, but I figure it is a good idea for me to get in the practice of keeping track of it. I'm also trying to compile as complete a medical record for myself as I can. I usually take notes when I am at the Doctor, but they are scattered here and yon. So, that will be a big project, but I now have Monday off--one of my co-workers needs more hours and she has school off on Monday, so I willing gave it to her. I'll be sure to get in a few hours for Rick Walton. Yesterday I was going to try and get four hours in for him, but I only got three, but then as I was leaving I ran into Valerie Holladay, so that was wonderful. It was good to talk with her and she pointed out that I have good things going on in my life--such as my internship with Rick Walton, so while life is a swirling mass of who-knows-whatsit, I'm surviving...it's kind of like I'm in the middle of a hurricane...So, we'll see what life brings. But apparently this time of life that is so uncertain and whatnot can be good for you...It has been for other authors.

Wow, so that was kind of a long paragraph. Today I woke up hurting a fair bit, and I don't expect that to change much. But I think most of my pain right now it arthritis related, because I think my fibromyalgia pain isn't as bad...partially because most of my pain right now centers around the joints...although I'm not sure that my head it necessarily a joint...but whatever...it always like to hurt and I'm not necessarily sure why it has been hurting so much lately, especially right now. Oh, well. And my lymph nodes have been hurting some, but I figure that can be related to the inflammation. At least that sounds reasonable to me. And I really can't account for all the pain in my body, but that's okay.

Well, I need to get to work on other things, but hopefully it won't be too long a time before I post again. Hasta Luego.

Randomness and so forth

Where to begin...I've thought of numerous things to write about throughout the day...unsurprisingly most of them medical related. This might end up being in lots of random orderness. So, this morning I went to my rheumatologist. And he wants to focus on bringing down my overall inflamation level, which is a good thing, but hard for me imagine happening, since as far as I know I've never had a SED rate under 13 and he wants to get me down to a 2. So, we'll see. He is not really willing to focus on all the randomness in my body until then. He says the tingling in my elbow cannot be caused by carpal tunnel since it involves a different nerve. So, back to ignoring it all as best I can, well not necessarily ignoring it, but trying to not allow it to worry me.

Oh, and apparently as far as individual health insurance goes, I am pretty much uninsurable since I have fibromyalgia. There are a couple of options, but my best bet is to get on a group health plan either by getting a job with medical coverage, or something like that. Random tingling and pain can be frustrating...just in case you wanted to know. At the moment I am having random tingling on the left side of my face next to my nose. Like I said, random.

Today I also looked more into getting a new job...and what little I did was rather exhausting to me and the job search process is rather daunting, plus my doctor did ask if I thought I could actually work full time...but as I told her...what other options do I have...not any good ones that I can see. And so, the search must go on. And we will just hope and pray that things can get worked out with my body.

I used to loathe medicine. I was not at all fond of it, especially prescription medicine. So, you have an idea of how ironic it is that the following thought crossed my mind this evening:"Medicine is a good thing, at least for me." LOL, but it's true. Without medicine I'd have a bit more difficulty attempting to function. I stuggle with that as is.

Writing tip of the day: Just get started--do whatever it takes...tell yourself you just have to write one paragraph, promise yourself rewards, whatever...the important thing is to get started, and once you do it is generally easy to keep going. (Tip courtesy of my internship with Rick Walton.)

Music is wonderful and random pains are not.

I think I may have just taken the wrong medicine...hopefully that won't be a problem...It shouldn't be, but I'll eat something just to make sure I'm okay. This post probably won't be long 'cause my arms are hurting (good thing I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning). This will also probably be a short post 'cause I'm rather tiredish and my mind isn't working so well at the moment.

I would like to tell you about a little miracle. So, I've been getting some really bad headaches lately, and I figure it is because I've been wearing the wrong prescription of glasses since sometime in February, when my glasses broke. And since then I've just had lots of doctor bills so I haven't been able to afford to go to the eye doctor. But, this weekend I found a more recent old pair of glasses, so now my headaches aren't as bad. These glasses are a newer prescription and they are much nicer looking/cuter. They are held together on one side by wire since the screw is gone and the hole is stripped. But yeah. I'm happy, I just have to be careful to not push too hard on the lense when I'm wiping them clean.

On a related note I'm finally going to make it to the dentist this week. My dental bridge keeps coming off, and I figure it really is high time to get it fixed. And my arms are really hurting, especially my right arm, so ta ta for now.

Books, Movies, and Music

Hi...so the fingers on my right hand are definitely tingling right now...and I've got a major league headache...but it's raining nice and hard which is wonderful. So, lately instead of writing in here I have been escaping into books...what can I say...Books are awesome! I'd love to escape into a book today as well, but I can't 'cause Saturdays are busy days...Leading Edge, Internship, and work. Not all books are complete escapes...since they often cause me to think, sometimes about issues in my life I am trying to ignore for the moment...ah, well... So, guess what, pain makes it more difficult to think, a problem I believe I am having right now. I also think I often don't want to confront what I may being thinking or worrying about...And I find plenty to worry about. It's no wonder I like to escape into books.

I love music. And Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire are awesome...I love their music and movies! Danny Kaye is also way awesome. And of course you can't forget people like Audrey Hepburn, Katherine Hepburn, Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart, and the list goes on and on. I also like Drew Barrymore, Hugh Jackman, Meg Ryan, and others. There is so much good music in the world and love that Pandora can link me to so much of it. I love music! Now I'm not like some people who need it like 24/7, but I still really love and love how it can brighten my life and help me sleep and help me relax and calm down, etc.

So, sometimes uncertainty can cause stress. I think I am often unwilling to admit things I truly wish and long for, especially to others. I am much better than I used to be. I think a part of me feels like if I admit what I want it will just cause me to want it more and thus be even more disappointed when I lose the possibility of it happening or something like that. I know I didn't express that very well. I know I am generally working in abstracts rather than concretes. I know that is something I need to work on in my writing. What should I do to work on concretes...I think fiction is often an easier medium for concretes--less threatening you know. At times I can move beyond caring...but oh so many times I can't...not good, not good at all. Throw it all to the wind...fears restrain me...silly, stupid fears.

There are many things I'd like to learn how to do. One of those is web design...I know I should have taken the classes when I was at BYU, but I didn't. I just wasn't in the program. I needed to graduate. But I would like to learn. The Leading Edge website needs lots of work. It makes me sad to see it so pathetic. The older version was much, much better. I should also work just generally on my design skills. Make up projects for myself, something like that. Explore and learn. There is still so much I do not know.

Sometimes I am such a silly person. I live a lot in my brain. I know we all live in our own brains, but still... sometimes I feel like I don't have a ton of interhuman communication. Hmmm. Oh-well, I guess. Don't you just love it though when there are people you really connect with! I do. People who you feel like just understand you even without knowing you, or with knowing you. There are also various levels of connection. Any connection is good, but the higher levels are more like miracles...inexplicable and wonderful.

Well, it's time for me to get going with my day...Leading Edge, Internship, Work...

Surviing Life

I feel like I am once again heading to the point where I feel like I just can't deal with life anymore. When it all becomes too overwhelming. Luckily I do know what to do to help make it better, but wouldn't it just be all around better to not get to the point where I feel like I can't deal with life? Sometimes I feel like I'm a hypochondriac. I know that there are tons of things I can do that might make me feel better and be less prone to these bouts of depression, but for one thing I don't exactly have a ton of energy and for a second thing, I have a difficult time hoping that they will actually help me. There is much I can do in my life despite my limited capabilities. Today I went and helped my friend Kelsey, mostly I just played with her baby Lori Jane. Sometimes I wonder how I will ever make a good mother. How will I have the energy to take care of them? I am sure I will need an understanding and supportive husband. But those are the future and the now is what I must deal with. I need to figure out how to...I'm not even sure what, but I generally kind of feel like I'm falling apart. And feeling such doesn't exactly booster my confidence or hope much.

I can make it through life--with the Lord's help. I really think there is only one set of footprints in the sand for the last while in my life--maybe even the last long while. I realize that I need to work on taking better care of myself, but I also must negotiate with the realities of life and my own weaknesses. My mind can become a confusing place, especially when I'm tired. I can make it through life. I can, I can do it! I can, I will, somehow...and with the Lord's help. Maybe I just need to get better at turning to him. A friend recently suggested that I discuss all the things I'm worrying about with Him. I think it is a good suggestion. I also need to be open to the answers and willing to make changes and stuff like that. One thing I need to work on is becoming more focused on others...to look outward rather than inward. To serve others.

I like books--no, I love books, but I do need to be careful to not use them as an escape (at least not too often). Sometimes I feel kind of lonely--sill, huh? I like color too. I like painting. I like being the Art Director for Leading Edge. I like reading books. I like good movies. I like candy and food. And of course I love writing and thinking up story ideas in my head, or story fragments. I like TV and ice cream. I like Mexico, especially Puebla and Cholula. I love the rain. Don't misinterpret this--but I love dancing. I like having good friends and good conversations. I love my computer and having access to the internet at home. I love art. I love sci-fi/fantasy. I'm a hopeless romantic. I should try and go to bed early tonight. Much as I try to deny it, I do believe that my left arm is still exhibiting symptoms of carpal tunnel. I will never run out of things to do with my time...for I will always be planning and adding more. Guess I need to learn how to prioritize.

I should also eat something so that I can take my pain meds. And take a shower so I can be nice and squeaky clean. And go to bed since I have work at 9 AM tomorrow! I like music. I like facebook and how it helps keep me connected with people. I love photos! I still want to scan all of my mom's photos. I've started, but have a lot more to go. I also love family history work and have much I need and want to do in that area. Well, I could go on foreverish, but I think it's time to cut my loses short or something like that...time to get going...get something done...work towards getting myself to go to bed. Until next time...Be Happy :-)

Silly Miscellany

I'm kind of in a bit of a silly mood right now. Perhaps it is being brought on my the Cheshire cat moon we're enjoying tonight (I call this particular type of moon the Cheshire cat moon because it looks like the smile the Cheshire cat leaves behind as he disappears in Disney's Alice in Wonderland.) Right now I kind of just want to read a book. A whole book. Non-stop until I'm finished. That would be fun, but probably not very smart of me. I stopped by the library after work today--that was fun. I love looking at books and movies =). It was a beautiful day outside today. Not too hot...not too cold, a bit windy, but that's fine. I should probably eat some supper before too much time goes by and I might just pull out a book even if I don't have enough time to read the whole thing right now. Life is great despite all the pitfalls...its easy to lose sight of all that is good. It helps that I got stuff done at Leading Edge tonight. I might not be in such a good frame of mind if I hadn't been so productive. Plus I went to the temple today and that was wonderful. And I got off work 2 hours early, which was fabulous, and I get to see Kelsey and Lori Jane tomorrow. It seems like there was more but I forget now.

If you have any topics you'd like to hear me sputter on about, feel free to suggest them. Ideas bounce in and out of my conscious mind, although sometimes it feels like they spend more time out than in, but whatever. Have I mentioned that I love writing!? And my knee is hurting me some, so I think I should probably unbend it. My left arm is still hurting some today...so I wore my arm brace to work. We'll just see what happens with all of that stuff...my health issues and whatnot. I think also part of what made tonight nice was looking at good art--I was arranging the artwork for Sandi Johnson's sketchbook, which will be published in our May issue. I love Sandi's art--it is so beautiful! Oh, I got to see more pictures of Jenn, Brian, and Iain. :)

I often wonder what I ought to be doing with my life. In many ways I don't feel like I am going in any real direction right now...more like circles, maybe. Or maybe it's more like I'm twirling around...ah well...I guess twirling can be fun. The mention of twirling reminds me of two things. 1) dancing around the living room as records played, 2) You've Got Mail--such a good movie. Well, I think dinner and a book do sound quite nice, although I'm not really sure what to eat for my dinner...lately it's often ended up as grapes and cheese, with perhaps a slice or two of balony. Rather wierd, I know, but perhaps a bit healthier than my normal sort of meals. Ta Ta for Now

To do, to do, so many things to do

Hi, so sometimes I feel almost overwhelmed by all the things to do. And yet at the same time I feel like I'm accomplishing absolutely nothing. But yeah. I am in a middle sort of state right now...tired and stuff but not necessarily completely and utterly exhausted (unless it just hasn't hit me yet, which is possible). Today I read more about fibromyalgia. I have lots more to learn about it. I don't know where to start with writing tonight. You might just get a bunch of random statements all strung together. Tonight I listened to a spiel about becoming a Mary Kaye consultant. I actually found it quite compelling and may look into doing it in a few years, but not right now when my life is such a mess (not that it will ever not be a mess, but perhaps less up in the air). It seems like my left arm is still hurting some, but the doctor did say I don't need to wear it 24/7 starting tomorrow. I need to make a decision about whether or not I'll still wear it at work. One of my customers recommended I still wear it at work. At time I am surprised how much some of the customers remember about what I've told them about my arm. It's kind of crazy, but we have lots of good customers at Day's. They are one of the good things about my job.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by just the simple things I need to do, like take a shower, get ready for bed, sleep, wake up in the morning, get going. You know, regular old stuff like that. Then if you add in things I want to do...well, in short, the list never ends. Never will everything be done. The other day I thought how my life now is not really what I thought it might be like ten years ago. Yes, I did graduate from college. But I didn't go on a mission nor am I married. I often forget what age I am. I often think the wrong age. Like just now when I was trying to figure out how old I was 10 years ago, all I could think was 7th grade and then when I tried to think how old I am now I was about to write 25, but I'm actually not 25. I've always been rather confuseded (and yes the double "ed" is purposeful. I sometimes/often randomly add extra "ed"s to words in my mind, so if I am to write what I'm thinking, well, basically I included the double "ed" but only in my journal, and now here) about my age. I've generally felt older than I am, more around Nathan's age. It kind of confuses me up, but that's okay.

Did you know you can only have 200 characters worth of labels per post, how silly is that. I found that out last post. Anyways. Life is interesting. Yesterday in church the speakers spoke about being positive admidst adversity. And it seems like someone said something like "Rather than seeking to do what you enjoy, seek to enjoy what you are doing." I think there is some wisdom in that. I was thinking about that today and wondering where pain fits into the equation. I guess I can try enjoy being in pain, but so far it's not working too well. I can better understand the suggestion (from Inside Fibromyalgia) to laugh at the times when fibro-fog messes with your life. Let me try to explain what fibro-fog is. I realize that plenty of people have these same sort of things happen to them, but when you have fibromyalgia it is a bit different (in my opinion, of course). So I'm debating whether I should just quote from the book or try to explain it by giving examples from my own life...well the second sounds more fun, so here we go.

Do you ever have to question which is you left or right side? I do. Are you constantly forgetting names and words? I am. Do you frequently find it difficult to concentrate? I do...in fact I've discovered that so often do I have fibro-fog that I often cannot read more complex books. Sometimes my mind is too tired to even read simple things. Not remembering things is a constant sort of state for me. My mind goes blank all the time too. There are times at work when I can't remember what button to push--for example, I have a check in my hand and can't remember what button to push (note: the correct button to push is the one that says "check" on it). There are many a time when I cannot do simple addition. Or say I have a quarter in my hand and I can't quite figure out which spot in my drawer to put it in--I look at them and my mind doesn't compute. But that's okay, 'cause apparently that's normal for people with fibromyaligia (FM). And I learned through my reading today that it does not mean my brain is failing...it just means the pain is interfering with the normal thinking process.

Now that I've gone on and on about fibro-fog lets move to something else...not sure what though. Hmmm...Any ideas...It is true that I should get going...go take a shower, get ready for bed, attempt sleep. Have you ever been poor? I wouldn't necessarily classify myself as poor but money is rather tight...which is actually pretty normal for me. I'm not very good with my spending habits...or with finances in general to be honest. It is definitely an area I need to improve in...along with all those other areas. I like reading. Reading's mucho fun. I like water, too. It tries to make my mouth and throat not so dry. It doesn't really succeed, but that's okay, at least it tries and works for a nanosecond. There are some things you shouldn't toss...I was just about to try and toss a plate from my bed to a chair...luckily I didn't, since it belongs to a friend of mine. Anyways. I often experience lots of random aches and pains. And while that is normal, at times it worries me some...especially after all this bruhaha with carpal tunnel.

While I'm sure you are sitting on the edge of your seat to hear about all my random aches and pains (not that I could begin to remember even half of the ones I've experienced today), I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint you and instead try and make myself stop writing and go take a shower or at least do something a little more productive. Oh, guess what I thought of last night as I was trying to fall asleep. (background info--I want to be an author, and I often write down things on random pieces of paper as they come to my mind). So, I thought it would be cool if I could record myself singing "Just start typing, just start writing" to the tune of "Just keep swimming" from Finding Nemo. And have it set on my computer so that it would repeat that recording every half hour or so. Wouldn't that be awesome...and a great reminder. I like it. We'll see if it ever happens though. I love the music I'm listening too right now--the soundtrack to Ever After (I love that movie!). Wow, my left arm is definitely starting to hurt some. I guess that's the signal for me to stop writing--¡Qué triste! The pain goes up my arm and into my shoulder...owy. Well, now it really is time to go...Ta Ta For Now (TTFN) {Tiffany Oaks taught me that one =)}

Up and beyond...

So, I think it's about time to write another post. Nathan says my posts sound like me, so that's a good thing I think. I am discovering that it is kind of difficult to type on my laptop with two arm braces on...oh-well, I'll just have to do the best that I can. I'm not really sure what to write about. Any ideas? No, well, that's okay.

Sometimes I think I'm a rather silly person. You might wonder why I say this, but I'm not sure how much proof of it I'm willing to give you. I could start with some of my theories/hypotheses/ideas. I think it is reasonable to think that there is the possibility of there being more than one universe out there, far beyond our sight. That might sound unreasonable to you, but it makes sense in my mind. Emily Olson once told me that I have "uncommon" sense rather than common sense. At times I think she is right. I do realize that the very nature of the word "universe" denotes that there is only one, but that is just because men made up the word. There is so much out there we don't know. And as I've mentioned before, sometimes I can dream pretty big--the possibility of there being more than one universe being one of those.

I love the stars and galaxies...outer space in general. That is perhaps one of the reasons why I am so attracted to the genre of science fiction/fantasy (and that is my favorite genre). I have met people who have no curiosity about space, that stars, none of that! I love pictures of space. They are so wonderful and amazing and beautiful. I'd love to do paintings based on them someday. I love Gustav Holst's The Planets--amazing music!!! I especially love Jupiter Hymn--the French Horn part is absolutely beautiful. {Note: sorry if any of you reading this are editors or grammar Nazi's, while I did minor in editing...I'm more into substantive editing rather than copyediting, plus this blog is more about just writing, without allowing things--such as making grammar mistakes--to impede the flow of writing. The goal is to just write...and to not worry about perfection.}

Do you want to know something that is mildly annoying...the limited choices when it comes to the design of blog profiles. If I knew how, I'd make my own design, unfortunately I don't know how, so I deal with the choices I've got. I actually really like design. I would love to work in the art or production department of a book publisher. I think that would be pretty awesome, but who knows where I'll end up working. I mean, I enjoy working at Day's Market, but it is hard on my body and I need a "real" job, plus I really could use benefits...aka...health insurance. I really don't know what I am going to do come Fall when I can no longer be on the BYU extended health plan. No idea. Oh well. Hopefully I'll figure something out. I have a tinsy bit more time before then. No need to worry too much. (Yes, I'm a bit of a worry wort.)

I like how when I get started writing I can often write and write on and on...unless I'm completely out of it...and then who knows what you might get. I enjoyed band in high school (this might sound like a non sequitur to you, but the thing is I'm listening to music on the "Gustav Holst" station I just created on my Pandora radio accout and yeah...) I really like the sound of band music, and I've always wondered why we don't have more bands and band music...I mean there is plenty of music by orchestra's and I do know that they include the band insturments and the music is great, but it just isn't the same thing! I also really like marching band music. But back to band music, I'd love to get ahold of recordings of the music we played in high school as done by professionals and just in general, band music (sorry if I'm not explaining all of this very well).

My goal for this evening is to not fall asleep, 'cause if I do, then I won't be able to fall asleep tonight and the cycle begins once again... So, I need to decide what else I am going to do this evening. Some thought on the matter turns up ideas like designing the cross-stiching for presents for Jenn's baby, work on typing up my journals, put things in my personal history, and of course, reading. A movie always sounds delicious, too (In recent times I have found myself misapplying words that are associated with one sense or another and it just feels right, so if I use words as I did in the sentence I just wrote, well...I figure I'm not going to fight it since it feels like the right word). The "feel" of things that I pay attention to. This is not necessarily a tactile feeling, hence the quotation marks. It is more like the feeling evoked--the feel of things.

I don't like it when I start having pain in the collar bone area. It happens rather frequently though. I try to not spend too much time concerning myself with all the various aches and pains and wierdness I feel in my body, yet it still consumes a large amount of my thoughts. I used to be better at putting such things from my mind. But getting carpal tunnel caused an awakening. Things I assumed were normal or transitory ended up being something mildly serious. (One of my friends, Camilla, once told me that I'm rather whimsical...or actually I think she was refering to my artwork...but still...I'd never thought of it that way, but I find it fits or at least feels like a word that fits me.) It is interesting to watch and see how different thoughts and turns of conversation are triggered [to avoid using the passive tense I should have writtten the previous sentence as "I find it interesting to watch and see what triggers differnt thoughts and turns of conversation."] I once worked with a girl (Brittany, it was when I worked for the BYU Conference Center Custodial) who would trace back our conversations to see how we arrived at our end result. It was rather fascinating but not something I'd generally be willing to spend my time and energy on, especially since I sometimes my memory stuggles some. But at other times I can remember lots of random things and can remember some things really well. It is one of those kind of oximoron sort of things that become difficult to explain since they seem to condradict each other. Although, it often seems to me like lots of things seem to contradict each other and then I start getting confused and people tell me I'm making things harder than they really are. The end result...well, I'm not sure what the end result is, but you're probably getting tired of this post...so I guess I shall close with...Hmmm...what's a good closing statement...if it comes to me it probably won't be until some random time and then I'll forget it, so we'll just have to go with, bland/boring/usual/random/whatever--"When you wish upon a star..."

The Miracle of Life!

I just looked at pictures of one of my best friends and her new baby! Little Iain is SO cute. Babies are so wonderful--a lot of hard work, but wonderful all the same. I hope to one day have my own children. Hopefully by then I won't be in so much pain all the time, but even if I am, I'll make it. Life is such a wonderful and precious gift. It is springtime right now, a time of new growth, of renewal (and weddings and engagements...). Right now it is raining--I love the rain! (although I don't necessarily like the fact that I am in more pain when it is stormy weather...but I love the rain all the same...when I was little I changed the rhyme to Rain, rain, stay, stay, stay, stay until another day).

This morning I did not want to get out of bed. But I did. So, that is a good thing. Last night I went to a friend's house for a Mary Kaye facial. I enjoyed it, and a lot of things we learned make sense, but it also requires a lot of time and money (at least from my perspective). Many people are successful in their lives. Right now I generally feel kind of like I am floundering. At times I do have hope for better things (that is how I feel right now...I think it is related to seeing the pictures of Jenn, Brian, and Iain). I don't know what life will bring me. I'm not quite sure how to plan for whatever will come. But, as long as I put my trust and faith in the Lord, I should be fine.

I'm sorry that you are having to hear this so much, but I hurt! Yesterday I asked my doctor about the new medicine I'm on and he said about now is when it should start to kick in and that in a month or so will be when it plateaus. So, it is more of the waiting game until we can see how much help this medicine gives me. He also looked at the x-rays of my knees and showed me how there is really a lot of inflammation in there...no wonder my knees hurt! Hopefully the medicine will help relieve the inflammation. I told him that my right arm carpal tunnel is getting bad again. He was a bit surprised. So, he said we'd look at it again at my next appointment and if I was still having troubles with it he'd give me another cortisone shot. He doesn't think I'll have more problems with my left arm since it isn't as bad and my right arm. Well, it is time for me to go to my internship with Rick Walton :) So, until next time...(maybe I'll entertain you then with some of my crazy notions and theories).

Bothersome

So, I did go to sleep. Unfortunately, I only slept for a few hours before waking up. After spending two and a half hours trying to fall back asleep, listening to my Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack twice, I have given up for the nonce. Good news though, my friend Jenn Bott had her baby--he was born around 8:55 PM, which is kind of ironic because just around that time I was thinking about her and I even mentioned to my friends that I wondered if she'd had her baby yet. I am so excited for her and I can't wait to see her baby (although I'm sure when I'll be able to go visit her, but hopefully sooner than later). I need to get to work on my cross-stitch baby presents for her. She is actually the one who taught me how to cross stitch, more or less. I love cross-stitching! I generally find it very relaxing and if I cross-stitch while watching a movie it helps me feel productive.

I predict that I will be tired tomorrow/today. I have my doctor's appointment in the morning (and I really hope that corisone shot helps, although it will take a few days). Not that I am trying to self diagnose, but I think I may have restless leg syndrome (RLS, just another to add to the list, I know). My mom's cousin Mary, from whom I learned about Fibromyalgia, has it. I believe my parents thought I might have RLS too, but I was more concerned about understanding my pain and fatigue. But I really do think I have it. I just looked at the symptoms list and yeah. It would also explain the random tingling sort of sensations I've been noticing in my legs recently. I wonder who I'd talk to in order to get diagnosed with it. At some point I need to meet with my primary physician. She's pretty amazing. And she has helped me a lot over the past five years. I'm going to be sad when I have to go find a new doctor (since I can't keep her as my doctor after I get off my current insurance and I'll only be able to have it through August of this year). I am not looking forward to doctor shopping, although I'm sure I'll be limited in some ways by what insurance I end up with.

I'm starting to think I should really find out if I have any sleeping disorders, just for my peace of mind if nothing else. Well, I set up an appointment with my primary care physician. Maybe we can see if we can do something about my sleep. It is something we discussed during my last visit, and I know my sleep hygiene isn't the best ever, but my body not allowing me to sleep at night is just getting plain annoying. If it were a little later I'd call and talk with my parents, and while they are probably awake right now, I don't want to put them behind on their morning routine.

Pain, pain, go away and don't come again another day. No, I know this is my lot in life and I accept that for the most part, but it doesn't change the fact that at times it is difficult to deal with. I'm sure I agreed to these trial in the pre-existence, so I find it reasonable that I should try to endure them cheerfully, but still. "Smile" is my motto even if I don't always live by it.

So, people say they can spend hours on facebook, and I can too, but recently I haven't found it as compelling an attraction. And what to do now. Do I attempt sleep once again, even though I'm not feeling sleepy? Do I pull out a book and read? Spend time picking my fav 5s on facebook? I guess I could keep writing in here, but I think my mental power is waning. Looks like it's time for facebook quizzes... And universe, be kind.

Boring thoughts?

Once again I am quite tired. It is more difficult to think of topics to write about when I am tired. Earlier today I thought of things to write about, but now I can't remember them and even if I did I doubt I'd be able to expound on them as eloquently. Why can't I write something interesting? Anything I think about writing about sounds so boring. Or perhaps my tiredness makes me not able to think of anything interesting to write because it seems reasonable that it is possible to write something interesting about the most boring of topics. Or perhaps I just find my writing boring. Or perhaps I find my thoughts rather boring.

My hand was swollen earlier today. I assume the swelling is caused by the inflammation in the carpal tunnel. Today I received a fair number of compliments, or at least so it seemed. From co-worker, customers, the bank teller, etc.

Midwifery interests me. I would like to learn more about it. It first caught my interest when I read a book called Mormon Midwife. Since then I've learned that there are modern midwives. Some women use only midwifes and others use them in tangent with regular doctors. Of course most people just go to the regular doctors. However, I really do find the idea of midwives very fascinating.

I believe I should go to bed soon. Not that I'll necessarily be able to sleep or sleep well, but I figure I'm tired, so I might as well at least give my body the opportunity to rest and recuperate. I will see the doctor tomorrow. I'm not sure how many questions I'll be able to get in since it's not even a consultation appointment, but hopefully I'll come away tomorrow with a few answers or at least less questions. So, until tomorrow (hopefully) good-bye.

I'm trying

Well it's time for another post. (Warning: I am rather a bit tired so we'll see how this post goes). The other night I was talking to a couple of my friends and they pointed out to me that I'm trying. So, while there is much more I need to do with and in my life, the best I can do for now is try. I know that I often make unwise decisions (such as staying up late). But I hope that I make less unwise decisions than I used to. Success can be determined by different measuring sticks.

So, carpal tunnel has returned in my right arm (if it ever fully left). That means the cortisone shot I got in it worked for less than a month. I'm pretty sure that is not the best news ever. I have no idea what the next step will be as far as treatment for it. My doctor said surgery isn't really helpful for my type of carpal tunnel (mine is caused by inflammation rather than by scar tissue). Also, it has now been three weeks since I started taking my new anti-inflammatory and I'm still in lots of pain all the time. This suggests to me that this new medicine isn't helping that much. When my doctor put me on this med he said it was the strongest he could put me on without it being a steriod. So, I guess I'll just have to wait and see what he says now. I would like some answers though.

This post isn't shaping up to be all that interesting--sorry. I really should take better care of my body. I really don't want it to force me to stop pushing it too far. I currently don't push it near as much as I used to, but still. I think I am going to go rest and relax for a time...maybe read, maybe take a nap, who knows. 'Til next time.

PS Today I helped Rick Walton, the author I intern for, sign books for him to give to his students--I wrote the inscription and he signed them. It was a first for me and I enjoyed it.

It's all in how you see it

I am perhaps not in the best frame of mind to be writing a blog right now, but I don't know what else to do, I'm sure my journal has heard it all before and there is no way I'm going to fall asleep with all of this pounding around in my head. (And my arm is just going to have to deal with the pain--see I'm not a total failure and defeatest...and yes that is kind of how I am feeling at the moment, but maybe more about that later.) And now that I begin to write my mind seems to have gone blank. Where to start, where to go, where to end.

They say time heals all hurts.

Earlier I thought of all sorts of topics I could write about--rejection, stress, etc. Apparently I'm not a very positive sort of person. I have much rewiring of my thinking to do. I know people say that if I know that to just do it. Yeah. I have lots of excuses to put forth. I'm not sure when I got over the "there is no such thing as a reasons, only excuses and there is no such thing as a good excuse"--pretty much no excuse or reason I give has any weight. So then I start to feel like what's the point of anything then. I mean just do what you're "supposed" to do and that's it. No room for exploration...etc. But then I'm misinterpreting and I'll admit that I sometimes willfully misinterpret. See, I'm kind of like Ella from Ella Enchanted (the book) in that way--If someone wants to force me to think someway, I'm not usually okay with that. So, I do those steps of misinterpreting (don't be surprised if this post makes absolutely no sense whatsoever).

So, how to make you mind follow you, the taskmaster. Well, first you need to learn self-discipline (I'm definitely still working on that one). It doesn't matter if your hungry, tired, or hurting--you just have to get over that and do junk anyways. Work is never fun but you just gotta do it anyways (but...see shouldn't you be able to rewire your thinking so it is fun?). Anything that is work will not be fun--I need to remember to tell Nathan that. But he might point out that it is not quite the same thing and I would have to concede his point. Sometimes self-destruction is tempting (I'm not talking about killing myself--I got over that a long time ago...now if death meant you disappeared into oblivion as some people think...well then that might be something to consider, but I settled within myself that I know that to be false and I know I'd be miserable if I did so) I warned you that I'm not exactly in the best frames of mind to be writing a post, but I'm not going to allow myself to care. Think of me what you will. Hate me if you wish. Disapprove of me. Pity me. Ignore me. Whatever.

How hard can I push my body before it absolutely hates me and quits of me...gives up in some way. How much pain can I just push through...but then I guess that is also just dealing and not fixing. And do you see how things get all confused up in my mind. I can take a simple statement...start thinking about it and become so confused I don't know which way is left and right. What are my limits and don't tell me that BS about there being no limits. I know that on some planes of reasoning there really are no limits. There are no limits to imagination. It is no wonder Nathan and I can dream big and bigger. We're human after all. (Nathan and I are often disappointed to discover things are smaller than we expect...) Anyway. There is no limit to what I can dream. But I have to believe that there is some limit to what my body can endure. I probably haven't even scratched the surface of it. It's not like I've ever hit rock bottom, 'cause I haven't. I guess a part of me lives in fear of what will happen when / if I push my body too far. Talk is easy. Talk can be cheap. Chronic illness is not something that can be cured or dealt with in a sentence or two of advise. I don't care what you say, there are some of us who have things go wrong. Whatever. Scratch that train of thought.

Maybe I should move in August. I feel, I know, something life changing is going to happen in my life in August. Do I know what? I have no idea whatsoever. I never do when these feelings come. In February it was carpal tunnel, in August it could be RA (rheumatoid arthritis), who knows. I don't and I won't until it happens. It could be something good. Like what? I don't know. I often wish for marriage, but as I've been repeatedly told--"marriage doesn't solve your problems." I know that. Perhaps it is silly of me to want the support I feel that sort of relationship might give me. Throw myself out into situations where I can meet guys and whatever. You probably don't want to even begin to hear my excuses for not doing that...but I think I will start despite the fact that you'll probably discount them as unimportant.

So, surprising as it may be, I have a limited amount of energy (and we won't go into the back and forth involving that at the moment). So, I have to decide how I am going to allot the energy I do have. So, going out and being social is generally not high on my list of things to do. Then you get into the issue of rejection. Nobody likes rejection--I get that. Would you like to hear a story about rejection? Of course you wouldn't but you're going to hear it anyway. Once upon a time there was a girl. Now this girl was rather quiet and reserved but she enjoyed having friends like most everyone does. It came time for her to enter sixth grade. In her class she discovered that she would have some of her good friends from elementary school there with her and that made her happy. They had had their differences throughout the years as all friends do, but she was excited that there would be some familiar faces in her class. Now, during the first half of the year she ended up becoming a part of a group of girls from her class that she met that year. She enjoyed being with them. December came and there was to be a birthday party for the lead girl of the group. All the girls were there from that group plus our shy girls friends from elementary school. Now it happened at one point in the party that the girls from the new group locked the girls from her elementary school out of the house and started to speak ill of them. Now our shy girl decided to stand up for her friends, they had their problems but they were still her friends and no one should be treated so, to be locked outside on a cold winter day. The new group of girls assured the girl that they were fine with her but not with the others. So, this shy girl declared that if they were going to lock her friends out they would have to lock her out as well. So, she ended up outside in the cold winter air as well. Now what were these girls to do, out in the cold. They decided to go find a phone and close by was the old stone church. They went there and called one of the girls parents and were picked up and driven home. So now the shy girl was no longer accepted by her new friends, so she chose to hang out with her friends from elementary school, not that she had ever really stopped but now she sat by them at lunch as well. (Lunch dynamics are extremely important, especially in middle school. Anyone who thinks otherwise is denying the truth. I won't quibble on this point--it is the truth and you know it). So, despite the fact that she was no longer accepted by her new friends, our shy girl still had a home at lunch. A couple months later in February, in the morning, before the bell rung for school to begin two of the shy girl's friends went to have a private conversation. One of the other girls asked if she could join and was allowed. This continued until all the girls were accepted into the "private conversation" except our shy friend. Now, she too asked. When she denied she figured they were kidding, so she chased them around the room a couple of times, but once she realized they were serious she went to her desk and allowed them to have their private conversation. A couple weeks later they threw her a surprise birthday party. While, it wasn't necessarily the best birthday party, it was thoughtful. Soon they started ignoring her though. And then they started saying mean things to her. They would hit her with their clarinet cases, throw away her gym lock (three times...). They made fun of her whenever they had a chance. And they rejoiced in any opportunity they had to show how much they disliked her. And of course she was banned from their table at lunch. Now our shy girl didn't know what she had done. Why were they accusing her of bragging when she told a friend in the class that she was going to sign up for the 800 meter race for the Hershey track meet since she had won it the previous year. And then go on to sign up for the same race and assure her that they would beat her at it. Once she asked them and they gave her a note saying she pried into her friend who sat next to her in class when she asked about a note when they had been cleaning out their desks. Their accusation that she was being nosy made no sense to her since she had been teasing, plus she already knew the basic idea of what the note her friend had said. The only thing she could conclude was that it must have come from the time she chased them around the room, but that didn't make sense if they had been planning a birthday party for her. Some friends from elementary school refused to get involved, which meant they wouldn't stand up for her when she was kicked off the row where she had her gym locker. It meant that they would not stand up for her when she was verbally and physically abused. And so she was virtually alone. At lunch she had no one to sit by. She had a brief reprieve when she went to band since they were in the other class, but she should not have been surprised that when the two classes were combined and she returned from getting her clarinet from the closet to find her book bag had unceremoniously been removed from it's place with the first clarinets and she was forced to join the third clarinets. While the clarinets in her band looked on sympathetically as she was forced to endure such humiliation, she moved to the back of the room and took her place. At least one of the third clarinets was good enough to be farther up but simply chose third because he liked playing the low notes (while this shy girl thrilled in playing the high notes and was allowed to do so since the first chair clarinet didn't really like to play them), at least his presence helped assuage the hurt and humiliation. There wasn't much she could do when in gym class they would exclude her from games (that sort of thing had happened before and she'd learned how to entertain herself while she did things alone--such as shooting a basketball or hitting a volleyball against the wall). And there was really nothing she could do if they did something to "accidentally" hurt her during class games. The time that hurt the most was when the huge ball used for crab kick ball and the leader of the group kicked it and it hit our shy girl right in the face, causing her glasses to slam into her face. The gloating look on the girl's face hurt more than the blow to the face. Since the girls from elementary school lived near her they rode the same bus alone. The shy girl soon learned that it didn't matter when she got to the bus stop, she would end up at the back of the line by the time the bus came. She no longer hurried to the bus stop, but rather took her time, sometimes even waiting until close to the time when the bus would arrive before making her way to the bus stop. One of the main girls of the group also went to church with this shy girl, causing Sunday to be another day of torture. Our shy girl was so relieved that she had moved up after her birthday. Unfortunately the other girl's birthday soon followed. She made a good show and nobody noticed anything out of the ordinary. The shy girl was already known to be quiet so no one would notice that she shrunk away and clammed up when the other girl was around. The shy girl knew that nothing she said could aid her cause. And so she endured it. Lonely--of course. Very, very alone. Eventually summer came. And then the fall. The shy girl was still deathly afraid of the girls from her elementary school. Luckily they were not in her classes. At lunch she avoided their table like a plague. She feared their harsh words and hard clarinet cases. In the cafeteria there were table and chairs and then along the walls were some plain benches for the overflow. People avoided having to sit on the benches at all cost. The shy girl was the same except when it came to the girls she feared. If the only open spots in the cafeteria were anywhere near where those girls sat she went to the benches. On the other days she sat alone among the crowd, taking any free chair she could find. Luckily, a month into school she received some good news--her family was moving across the country--Thank heaven.

Now, if you read that whole story and didn't like it, well, what can I say. You read it, no one wants to hear it, at least not anyone I've met. And if they do hear it they have something to say like kids are always mean or just get over it. Of course that is not the sole reason for my enormous fear of rejection, but it is definitely a big part of it. Take this as you will. By this point I can hardly remember what I've been speaking of at all in this post. And then it returns. I often feel like a failure in life. I try to not feel that way and I try to improve, but sometimes...sometimes. I know I can't live up to people's expectations. I've tried before. I'd rather work on trying to be who I want to be. Then do it you might tell me. Knowing the end goal and knowing how to get there aren't the same thing. This I do know. I'm trying (or at least trying to try). Perhaps I am doing it all the wrong way. Perhaps I need to just suck it up, go find any old job and pay my bills. Become independent. Work more. Be more social. Learn when to give up on things.

I don't know. What a lovely phrase. Perhaps, perhaps. I guess I need to find a way to have more hope in a better tomorrow. I need to not allow my pain and suffering to have any sort of effect on my level of happiness. I need to see life as good. I need to look at things more positively. I need to be a better friend. I need to... Who knows..."Not, I said the Pig"...not I. Can't I enjoy what I enjoy even though it might also bring in a bit of sorrow. What kind of job should I look for. How to I find motivation. I've been told repeatedly that I just don't have enough desire to change. How do I develop this desire...through hitting rock bottom or through hope. I don't want to hit rock bottom...then again there are lots of things I don't want to do. Like move in August, since that means I'll have to get rid of many of my precious possessions, 'cause I figure I can only take with me what will fit in my car. However, my possessions love me--unconditionally. Can you say the same? My books provide me comfort and escape. Oh, I forgot I shouldn't want to escape from life. I need to face up to my fears. Would you like me to add to the list of should's? I should be asleep right now, I should develop better self-esteem, I should not use should statements.

Well, since I do have to get up in the morning I think it's time for me to go. Ignore all of this mess I just wrote. I am okay, some of the most of the time. I just struggle sometimes...as I know we all do. I know people who have it much worse than I do. Hate me if you will, love me if you can. I'll find my way. The Lord is there to help me even when I am most alone. I can do all things in him...just gotta figure out what he wants me to do. He loves me, this I know--and that is enough for now. It is enough. If no one else ever found me worthy of love, he still will. He loves me--this I know and in this I trust.

Goodnight universe, good morrow world. (For better or worse this post has been written)