Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Surviing Life

I feel like I am once again heading to the point where I feel like I just can't deal with life anymore. When it all becomes too overwhelming. Luckily I do know what to do to help make it better, but wouldn't it just be all around better to not get to the point where I feel like I can't deal with life? Sometimes I feel like I'm a hypochondriac. I know that there are tons of things I can do that might make me feel better and be less prone to these bouts of depression, but for one thing I don't exactly have a ton of energy and for a second thing, I have a difficult time hoping that they will actually help me. There is much I can do in my life despite my limited capabilities. Today I went and helped my friend Kelsey, mostly I just played with her baby Lori Jane. Sometimes I wonder how I will ever make a good mother. How will I have the energy to take care of them? I am sure I will need an understanding and supportive husband. But those are the future and the now is what I must deal with. I need to figure out how to...I'm not even sure what, but I generally kind of feel like I'm falling apart. And feeling such doesn't exactly booster my confidence or hope much.

I can make it through life--with the Lord's help. I really think there is only one set of footprints in the sand for the last while in my life--maybe even the last long while. I realize that I need to work on taking better care of myself, but I also must negotiate with the realities of life and my own weaknesses. My mind can become a confusing place, especially when I'm tired. I can make it through life. I can, I can do it! I can, I will, somehow...and with the Lord's help. Maybe I just need to get better at turning to him. A friend recently suggested that I discuss all the things I'm worrying about with Him. I think it is a good suggestion. I also need to be open to the answers and willing to make changes and stuff like that. One thing I need to work on is becoming more focused on others...to look outward rather than inward. To serve others.

I like books--no, I love books, but I do need to be careful to not use them as an escape (at least not too often). Sometimes I feel kind of lonely--sill, huh? I like color too. I like painting. I like being the Art Director for Leading Edge. I like reading books. I like good movies. I like candy and food. And of course I love writing and thinking up story ideas in my head, or story fragments. I like TV and ice cream. I like Mexico, especially Puebla and Cholula. I love the rain. Don't misinterpret this--but I love dancing. I like having good friends and good conversations. I love my computer and having access to the internet at home. I love art. I love sci-fi/fantasy. I'm a hopeless romantic. I should try and go to bed early tonight. Much as I try to deny it, I do believe that my left arm is still exhibiting symptoms of carpal tunnel. I will never run out of things to do with my time...for I will always be planning and adding more. Guess I need to learn how to prioritize.

I should also eat something so that I can take my pain meds. And take a shower so I can be nice and squeaky clean. And go to bed since I have work at 9 AM tomorrow! I like music. I like facebook and how it helps keep me connected with people. I love photos! I still want to scan all of my mom's photos. I've started, but have a lot more to go. I also love family history work and have much I need and want to do in that area. Well, I could go on foreverish, but I think it's time to cut my loses short or something like that...time to get going...get something done...work towards getting myself to go to bed. Until next time...Be Happy :-)

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Silly Miscellany

I'm kind of in a bit of a silly mood right now. Perhaps it is being brought on my the Cheshire cat moon we're enjoying tonight (I call this particular type of moon the Cheshire cat moon because it looks like the smile the Cheshire cat leaves behind as he disappears in Disney's Alice in Wonderland.) Right now I kind of just want to read a book. A whole book. Non-stop until I'm finished. That would be fun, but probably not very smart of me. I stopped by the library after work today--that was fun. I love looking at books and movies =). It was a beautiful day outside today. Not too hot...not too cold, a bit windy, but that's fine. I should probably eat some supper before too much time goes by and I might just pull out a book even if I don't have enough time to read the whole thing right now. Life is great despite all the pitfalls...its easy to lose sight of all that is good. It helps that I got stuff done at Leading Edge tonight. I might not be in such a good frame of mind if I hadn't been so productive. Plus I went to the temple today and that was wonderful. And I got off work 2 hours early, which was fabulous, and I get to see Kelsey and Lori Jane tomorrow. It seems like there was more but I forget now.

If you have any topics you'd like to hear me sputter on about, feel free to suggest them. Ideas bounce in and out of my conscious mind, although sometimes it feels like they spend more time out than in, but whatever. Have I mentioned that I love writing!? And my knee is hurting me some, so I think I should probably unbend it. My left arm is still hurting some today...so I wore my arm brace to work. We'll just see what happens with all of that stuff...my health issues and whatnot. I think also part of what made tonight nice was looking at good art--I was arranging the artwork for Sandi Johnson's sketchbook, which will be published in our May issue. I love Sandi's art--it is so beautiful! Oh, I got to see more pictures of Jenn, Brian, and Iain. :)

I often wonder what I ought to be doing with my life. In many ways I don't feel like I am going in any real direction right now...more like circles, maybe. Or maybe it's more like I'm twirling around...ah well...I guess twirling can be fun. The mention of twirling reminds me of two things. 1) dancing around the living room as records played, 2) You've Got Mail--such a good movie. Well, I think dinner and a book do sound quite nice, although I'm not really sure what to eat for my dinner...lately it's often ended up as grapes and cheese, with perhaps a slice or two of balony. Rather wierd, I know, but perhaps a bit healthier than my normal sort of meals. Ta Ta for Now

Monday, April 27, 2009

To do, to do, so many things to do

Hi, so sometimes I feel almost overwhelmed by all the things to do. And yet at the same time I feel like I'm accomplishing absolutely nothing. But yeah. I am in a middle sort of state right now...tired and stuff but not necessarily completely and utterly exhausted (unless it just hasn't hit me yet, which is possible). Today I read more about fibromyalgia. I have lots more to learn about it. I don't know where to start with writing tonight. You might just get a bunch of random statements all strung together. Tonight I listened to a spiel about becoming a Mary Kaye consultant. I actually found it quite compelling and may look into doing it in a few years, but not right now when my life is such a mess (not that it will ever not be a mess, but perhaps less up in the air). It seems like my left arm is still hurting some, but the doctor did say I don't need to wear it 24/7 starting tomorrow. I need to make a decision about whether or not I'll still wear it at work. One of my customers recommended I still wear it at work. At time I am surprised how much some of the customers remember about what I've told them about my arm. It's kind of crazy, but we have lots of good customers at Day's. They are one of the good things about my job.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by just the simple things I need to do, like take a shower, get ready for bed, sleep, wake up in the morning, get going. You know, regular old stuff like that. Then if you add in things I want to do...well, in short, the list never ends. Never will everything be done. The other day I thought how my life now is not really what I thought it might be like ten years ago. Yes, I did graduate from college. But I didn't go on a mission nor am I married. I often forget what age I am. I often think the wrong age. Like just now when I was trying to figure out how old I was 10 years ago, all I could think was 7th grade and then when I tried to think how old I am now I was about to write 25, but I'm actually not 25. I've always been rather confuseded (and yes the double "ed" is purposeful. I sometimes/often randomly add extra "ed"s to words in my mind, so if I am to write what I'm thinking, well, basically I included the double "ed" but only in my journal, and now here) about my age. I've generally felt older than I am, more around Nathan's age. It kind of confuses me up, but that's okay.

Did you know you can only have 200 characters worth of labels per post, how silly is that. I found that out last post. Anyways. Life is interesting. Yesterday in church the speakers spoke about being positive admidst adversity. And it seems like someone said something like "Rather than seeking to do what you enjoy, seek to enjoy what you are doing." I think there is some wisdom in that. I was thinking about that today and wondering where pain fits into the equation. I guess I can try enjoy being in pain, but so far it's not working too well. I can better understand the suggestion (from Inside Fibromyalgia) to laugh at the times when fibro-fog messes with your life. Let me try to explain what fibro-fog is. I realize that plenty of people have these same sort of things happen to them, but when you have fibromyalgia it is a bit different (in my opinion, of course). So I'm debating whether I should just quote from the book or try to explain it by giving examples from my own life...well the second sounds more fun, so here we go.

Do you ever have to question which is you left or right side? I do. Are you constantly forgetting names and words? I am. Do you frequently find it difficult to concentrate? I do...in fact I've discovered that so often do I have fibro-fog that I often cannot read more complex books. Sometimes my mind is too tired to even read simple things. Not remembering things is a constant sort of state for me. My mind goes blank all the time too. There are times at work when I can't remember what button to push--for example, I have a check in my hand and can't remember what button to push (note: the correct button to push is the one that says "check" on it). There are many a time when I cannot do simple addition. Or say I have a quarter in my hand and I can't quite figure out which spot in my drawer to put it in--I look at them and my mind doesn't compute. But that's okay, 'cause apparently that's normal for people with fibromyaligia (FM). And I learned through my reading today that it does not mean my brain is failing...it just means the pain is interfering with the normal thinking process.

Now that I've gone on and on about fibro-fog lets move to something else...not sure what though. Hmmm...Any ideas...It is true that I should get going...go take a shower, get ready for bed, attempt sleep. Have you ever been poor? I wouldn't necessarily classify myself as poor but money is rather tight...which is actually pretty normal for me. I'm not very good with my spending habits...or with finances in general to be honest. It is definitely an area I need to improve in...along with all those other areas. I like reading. Reading's mucho fun. I like water, too. It tries to make my mouth and throat not so dry. It doesn't really succeed, but that's okay, at least it tries and works for a nanosecond. There are some things you shouldn't toss...I was just about to try and toss a plate from my bed to a chair...luckily I didn't, since it belongs to a friend of mine. Anyways. I often experience lots of random aches and pains. And while that is normal, at times it worries me some...especially after all this bruhaha with carpal tunnel.

While I'm sure you are sitting on the edge of your seat to hear about all my random aches and pains (not that I could begin to remember even half of the ones I've experienced today), I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint you and instead try and make myself stop writing and go take a shower or at least do something a little more productive. Oh, guess what I thought of last night as I was trying to fall asleep. (background info--I want to be an author, and I often write down things on random pieces of paper as they come to my mind). So, I thought it would be cool if I could record myself singing "Just start typing, just start writing" to the tune of "Just keep swimming" from Finding Nemo. And have it set on my computer so that it would repeat that recording every half hour or so. Wouldn't that be awesome...and a great reminder. I like it. We'll see if it ever happens though. I love the music I'm listening too right now--the soundtrack to Ever After (I love that movie!). Wow, my left arm is definitely starting to hurt some. I guess that's the signal for me to stop writing--¡QuĂ© triste! The pain goes up my arm and into my shoulder...owy. Well, now it really is time to go...Ta Ta For Now (TTFN) {Tiffany Oaks taught me that one =)}

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Up and beyond...

So, I think it's about time to write another post. Nathan says my posts sound like me, so that's a good thing I think. I am discovering that it is kind of difficult to type on my laptop with two arm braces on...oh-well, I'll just have to do the best that I can. I'm not really sure what to write about. Any ideas? No, well, that's okay.

Sometimes I think I'm a rather silly person. You might wonder why I say this, but I'm not sure how much proof of it I'm willing to give you. I could start with some of my theories/hypotheses/ideas. I think it is reasonable to think that there is the possibility of there being more than one universe out there, far beyond our sight. That might sound unreasonable to you, but it makes sense in my mind. Emily Olson once told me that I have "uncommon" sense rather than common sense. At times I think she is right. I do realize that the very nature of the word "universe" denotes that there is only one, but that is just because men made up the word. There is so much out there we don't know. And as I've mentioned before, sometimes I can dream pretty big--the possibility of there being more than one universe being one of those.

I love the stars and galaxies...outer space in general. That is perhaps one of the reasons why I am so attracted to the genre of science fiction/fantasy (and that is my favorite genre). I have met people who have no curiosity about space, that stars, none of that! I love pictures of space. They are so wonderful and amazing and beautiful. I'd love to do paintings based on them someday. I love Gustav Holst's The Planets--amazing music!!! I especially love Jupiter Hymn--the French Horn part is absolutely beautiful. {Note: sorry if any of you reading this are editors or grammar Nazi's, while I did minor in editing...I'm more into substantive editing rather than copyediting, plus this blog is more about just writing, without allowing things--such as making grammar mistakes--to impede the flow of writing. The goal is to just write...and to not worry about perfection.}

Do you want to know something that is mildly annoying...the limited choices when it comes to the design of blog profiles. If I knew how, I'd make my own design, unfortunately I don't know how, so I deal with the choices I've got. I actually really like design. I would love to work in the art or production department of a book publisher. I think that would be pretty awesome, but who knows where I'll end up working. I mean, I enjoy working at Day's Market, but it is hard on my body and I need a "real" job, plus I really could use benefits...aka...health insurance. I really don't know what I am going to do come Fall when I can no longer be on the BYU extended health plan. No idea. Oh well. Hopefully I'll figure something out. I have a tinsy bit more time before then. No need to worry too much. (Yes, I'm a bit of a worry wort.)

I like how when I get started writing I can often write and write on and on...unless I'm completely out of it...and then who knows what you might get. I enjoyed band in high school (this might sound like a non sequitur to you, but the thing is I'm listening to music on the "Gustav Holst" station I just created on my Pandora radio accout and yeah...) I really like the sound of band music, and I've always wondered why we don't have more bands and band music...I mean there is plenty of music by orchestra's and I do know that they include the band insturments and the music is great, but it just isn't the same thing! I also really like marching band music. But back to band music, I'd love to get ahold of recordings of the music we played in high school as done by professionals and just in general, band music (sorry if I'm not explaining all of this very well).

My goal for this evening is to not fall asleep, 'cause if I do, then I won't be able to fall asleep tonight and the cycle begins once again... So, I need to decide what else I am going to do this evening. Some thought on the matter turns up ideas like designing the cross-stiching for presents for Jenn's baby, work on typing up my journals, put things in my personal history, and of course, reading. A movie always sounds delicious, too (In recent times I have found myself misapplying words that are associated with one sense or another and it just feels right, so if I use words as I did in the sentence I just wrote, well...I figure I'm not going to fight it since it feels like the right word). The "feel" of things that I pay attention to. This is not necessarily a tactile feeling, hence the quotation marks. It is more like the feeling evoked--the feel of things.

I don't like it when I start having pain in the collar bone area. It happens rather frequently though. I try to not spend too much time concerning myself with all the various aches and pains and wierdness I feel in my body, yet it still consumes a large amount of my thoughts. I used to be better at putting such things from my mind. But getting carpal tunnel caused an awakening. Things I assumed were normal or transitory ended up being something mildly serious. (One of my friends, Camilla, once told me that I'm rather whimsical...or actually I think she was refering to my artwork...but still...I'd never thought of it that way, but I find it fits or at least feels like a word that fits me.) It is interesting to watch and see how different thoughts and turns of conversation are triggered [to avoid using the passive tense I should have writtten the previous sentence as "I find it interesting to watch and see what triggers differnt thoughts and turns of conversation."] I once worked with a girl (Brittany, it was when I worked for the BYU Conference Center Custodial) who would trace back our conversations to see how we arrived at our end result. It was rather fascinating but not something I'd generally be willing to spend my time and energy on, especially since I sometimes my memory stuggles some. But at other times I can remember lots of random things and can remember some things really well. It is one of those kind of oximoron sort of things that become difficult to explain since they seem to condradict each other. Although, it often seems to me like lots of things seem to contradict each other and then I start getting confused and people tell me I'm making things harder than they really are. The end result...well, I'm not sure what the end result is, but you're probably getting tired of this post...so I guess I shall close with...Hmmm...what's a good closing statement...if it comes to me it probably won't be until some random time and then I'll forget it, so we'll just have to go with, bland/boring/usual/random/whatever--"When you wish upon a star..."

Saturday, April 25, 2009

The Miracle of Life!

I just looked at pictures of one of my best friends and her new baby! Little Iain is SO cute. Babies are so wonderful--a lot of hard work, but wonderful all the same. I hope to one day have my own children. Hopefully by then I won't be in so much pain all the time, but even if I am, I'll make it. Life is such a wonderful and precious gift. It is springtime right now, a time of new growth, of renewal (and weddings and engagements...). Right now it is raining--I love the rain! (although I don't necessarily like the fact that I am in more pain when it is stormy weather...but I love the rain all the same...when I was little I changed the rhyme to Rain, rain, stay, stay, stay, stay until another day).

This morning I did not want to get out of bed. But I did. So, that is a good thing. Last night I went to a friend's house for a Mary Kaye facial. I enjoyed it, and a lot of things we learned make sense, but it also requires a lot of time and money (at least from my perspective). Many people are successful in their lives. Right now I generally feel kind of like I am floundering. At times I do have hope for better things (that is how I feel right now...I think it is related to seeing the pictures of Jenn, Brian, and Iain). I don't know what life will bring me. I'm not quite sure how to plan for whatever will come. But, as long as I put my trust and faith in the Lord, I should be fine.

I'm sorry that you are having to hear this so much, but I hurt! Yesterday I asked my doctor about the new medicine I'm on and he said about now is when it should start to kick in and that in a month or so will be when it plateaus. So, it is more of the waiting game until we can see how much help this medicine gives me. He also looked at the x-rays of my knees and showed me how there is really a lot of inflammation in there...no wonder my knees hurt! Hopefully the medicine will help relieve the inflammation. I told him that my right arm carpal tunnel is getting bad again. He was a bit surprised. So, he said we'd look at it again at my next appointment and if I was still having troubles with it he'd give me another cortisone shot. He doesn't think I'll have more problems with my left arm since it isn't as bad and my right arm. Well, it is time for me to go to my internship with Rick Walton :) So, until next time...(maybe I'll entertain you then with some of my crazy notions and theories).

Friday, April 24, 2009

Bothersome

So, I did go to sleep. Unfortunately, I only slept for a few hours before waking up. After spending two and a half hours trying to fall back asleep, listening to my Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack twice, I have given up for the nonce. Good news though, my friend Jenn Bott had her baby--he was born around 8:55 PM, which is kind of ironic because just around that time I was thinking about her and I even mentioned to my friends that I wondered if she'd had her baby yet. I am so excited for her and I can't wait to see her baby (although I'm sure when I'll be able to go visit her, but hopefully sooner than later). I need to get to work on my cross-stitch baby presents for her. She is actually the one who taught me how to cross stitch, more or less. I love cross-stitching! I generally find it very relaxing and if I cross-stitch while watching a movie it helps me feel productive.

I predict that I will be tired tomorrow/today. I have my doctor's appointment in the morning (and I really hope that corisone shot helps, although it will take a few days). Not that I am trying to self diagnose, but I think I may have restless leg syndrome (RLS, just another to add to the list, I know). My mom's cousin Mary, from whom I learned about Fibromyalgia, has it. I believe my parents thought I might have RLS too, but I was more concerned about understanding my pain and fatigue. But I really do think I have it. I just looked at the symptoms list and yeah. It would also explain the random tingling sort of sensations I've been noticing in my legs recently. I wonder who I'd talk to in order to get diagnosed with it. At some point I need to meet with my primary physician. She's pretty amazing. And she has helped me a lot over the past five years. I'm going to be sad when I have to go find a new doctor (since I can't keep her as my doctor after I get off my current insurance and I'll only be able to have it through August of this year). I am not looking forward to doctor shopping, although I'm sure I'll be limited in some ways by what insurance I end up with.

I'm starting to think I should really find out if I have any sleeping disorders, just for my peace of mind if nothing else. Well, I set up an appointment with my primary care physician. Maybe we can see if we can do something about my sleep. It is something we discussed during my last visit, and I know my sleep hygiene isn't the best ever, but my body not allowing me to sleep at night is just getting plain annoying. If it were a little later I'd call and talk with my parents, and while they are probably awake right now, I don't want to put them behind on their morning routine.

Pain, pain, go away and don't come again another day. No, I know this is my lot in life and I accept that for the most part, but it doesn't change the fact that at times it is difficult to deal with. I'm sure I agreed to these trial in the pre-existence, so I find it reasonable that I should try to endure them cheerfully, but still. "Smile" is my motto even if I don't always live by it.

So, people say they can spend hours on facebook, and I can too, but recently I haven't found it as compelling an attraction. And what to do now. Do I attempt sleep once again, even though I'm not feeling sleepy? Do I pull out a book and read? Spend time picking my fav 5s on facebook? I guess I could keep writing in here, but I think my mental power is waning. Looks like it's time for facebook quizzes... And universe, be kind.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Boring thoughts?

Once again I am quite tired. It is more difficult to think of topics to write about when I am tired. Earlier today I thought of things to write about, but now I can't remember them and even if I did I doubt I'd be able to expound on them as eloquently. Why can't I write something interesting? Anything I think about writing about sounds so boring. Or perhaps my tiredness makes me not able to think of anything interesting to write because it seems reasonable that it is possible to write something interesting about the most boring of topics. Or perhaps I just find my writing boring. Or perhaps I find my thoughts rather boring.

My hand was swollen earlier today. I assume the swelling is caused by the inflammation in the carpal tunnel. Today I received a fair number of compliments, or at least so it seemed. From co-worker, customers, the bank teller, etc.

Midwifery interests me. I would like to learn more about it. It first caught my interest when I read a book called Mormon Midwife. Since then I've learned that there are modern midwives. Some women use only midwifes and others use them in tangent with regular doctors. Of course most people just go to the regular doctors. However, I really do find the idea of midwives very fascinating.

I believe I should go to bed soon. Not that I'll necessarily be able to sleep or sleep well, but I figure I'm tired, so I might as well at least give my body the opportunity to rest and recuperate. I will see the doctor tomorrow. I'm not sure how many questions I'll be able to get in since it's not even a consultation appointment, but hopefully I'll come away tomorrow with a few answers or at least less questions. So, until tomorrow (hopefully) good-bye.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I'm trying

Well it's time for another post. (Warning: I am rather a bit tired so we'll see how this post goes). The other night I was talking to a couple of my friends and they pointed out to me that I'm trying. So, while there is much more I need to do with and in my life, the best I can do for now is try. I know that I often make unwise decisions (such as staying up late). But I hope that I make less unwise decisions than I used to. Success can be determined by different measuring sticks.

So, carpal tunnel has returned in my right arm (if it ever fully left). That means the cortisone shot I got in it worked for less than a month. I'm pretty sure that is not the best news ever. I have no idea what the next step will be as far as treatment for it. My doctor said surgery isn't really helpful for my type of carpal tunnel (mine is caused by inflammation rather than by scar tissue). Also, it has now been three weeks since I started taking my new anti-inflammatory and I'm still in lots of pain all the time. This suggests to me that this new medicine isn't helping that much. When my doctor put me on this med he said it was the strongest he could put me on without it being a steriod. So, I guess I'll just have to wait and see what he says now. I would like some answers though.

This post isn't shaping up to be all that interesting--sorry. I really should take better care of my body. I really don't want it to force me to stop pushing it too far. I currently don't push it near as much as I used to, but still. I think I am going to go rest and relax for a time...maybe read, maybe take a nap, who knows. 'Til next time.

PS Today I helped Rick Walton, the author I intern for, sign books for him to give to his students--I wrote the inscription and he signed them. It was a first for me and I enjoyed it.

Monday, April 20, 2009

It's all in how you see it

I am perhaps not in the best frame of mind to be writing a blog right now, but I don't know what else to do, I'm sure my journal has heard it all before and there is no way I'm going to fall asleep with all of this pounding around in my head. (And my arm is just going to have to deal with the pain--see I'm not a total failure and defeatest...and yes that is kind of how I am feeling at the moment, but maybe more about that later.) And now that I begin to write my mind seems to have gone blank. Where to start, where to go, where to end.

They say time heals all hurts.

Earlier I thought of all sorts of topics I could write about--rejection, stress, etc. Apparently I'm not a very positive sort of person. I have much rewiring of my thinking to do. I know people say that if I know that to just do it. Yeah. I have lots of excuses to put forth. I'm not sure when I got over the "there is no such thing as a reasons, only excuses and there is no such thing as a good excuse"--pretty much no excuse or reason I give has any weight. So then I start to feel like what's the point of anything then. I mean just do what you're "supposed" to do and that's it. No room for exploration...etc. But then I'm misinterpreting and I'll admit that I sometimes willfully misinterpret. See, I'm kind of like Ella from Ella Enchanted (the book) in that way--If someone wants to force me to think someway, I'm not usually okay with that. So, I do those steps of misinterpreting (don't be surprised if this post makes absolutely no sense whatsoever).

So, how to make you mind follow you, the taskmaster. Well, first you need to learn self-discipline (I'm definitely still working on that one). It doesn't matter if your hungry, tired, or hurting--you just have to get over that and do junk anyways. Work is never fun but you just gotta do it anyways (but...see shouldn't you be able to rewire your thinking so it is fun?). Anything that is work will not be fun--I need to remember to tell Nathan that. But he might point out that it is not quite the same thing and I would have to concede his point. Sometimes self-destruction is tempting (I'm not talking about killing myself--I got over that a long time ago...now if death meant you disappeared into oblivion as some people think...well then that might be something to consider, but I settled within myself that I know that to be false and I know I'd be miserable if I did so) I warned you that I'm not exactly in the best frames of mind to be writing a post, but I'm not going to allow myself to care. Think of me what you will. Hate me if you wish. Disapprove of me. Pity me. Ignore me. Whatever.

How hard can I push my body before it absolutely hates me and quits of me...gives up in some way. How much pain can I just push through...but then I guess that is also just dealing and not fixing. And do you see how things get all confused up in my mind. I can take a simple statement...start thinking about it and become so confused I don't know which way is left and right. What are my limits and don't tell me that BS about there being no limits. I know that on some planes of reasoning there really are no limits. There are no limits to imagination. It is no wonder Nathan and I can dream big and bigger. We're human after all. (Nathan and I are often disappointed to discover things are smaller than we expect...) Anyway. There is no limit to what I can dream. But I have to believe that there is some limit to what my body can endure. I probably haven't even scratched the surface of it. It's not like I've ever hit rock bottom, 'cause I haven't. I guess a part of me lives in fear of what will happen when / if I push my body too far. Talk is easy. Talk can be cheap. Chronic illness is not something that can be cured or dealt with in a sentence or two of advise. I don't care what you say, there are some of us who have things go wrong. Whatever. Scratch that train of thought.

Maybe I should move in August. I feel, I know, something life changing is going to happen in my life in August. Do I know what? I have no idea whatsoever. I never do when these feelings come. In February it was carpal tunnel, in August it could be RA (rheumatoid arthritis), who knows. I don't and I won't until it happens. It could be something good. Like what? I don't know. I often wish for marriage, but as I've been repeatedly told--"marriage doesn't solve your problems." I know that. Perhaps it is silly of me to want the support I feel that sort of relationship might give me. Throw myself out into situations where I can meet guys and whatever. You probably don't want to even begin to hear my excuses for not doing that...but I think I will start despite the fact that you'll probably discount them as unimportant.

So, surprising as it may be, I have a limited amount of energy (and we won't go into the back and forth involving that at the moment). So, I have to decide how I am going to allot the energy I do have. So, going out and being social is generally not high on my list of things to do. Then you get into the issue of rejection. Nobody likes rejection--I get that. Would you like to hear a story about rejection? Of course you wouldn't but you're going to hear it anyway. Once upon a time there was a girl. Now this girl was rather quiet and reserved but she enjoyed having friends like most everyone does. It came time for her to enter sixth grade. In her class she discovered that she would have some of her good friends from elementary school there with her and that made her happy. They had had their differences throughout the years as all friends do, but she was excited that there would be some familiar faces in her class. Now, during the first half of the year she ended up becoming a part of a group of girls from her class that she met that year. She enjoyed being with them. December came and there was to be a birthday party for the lead girl of the group. All the girls were there from that group plus our shy girls friends from elementary school. Now it happened at one point in the party that the girls from the new group locked the girls from her elementary school out of the house and started to speak ill of them. Now our shy girl decided to stand up for her friends, they had their problems but they were still her friends and no one should be treated so, to be locked outside on a cold winter day. The new group of girls assured the girl that they were fine with her but not with the others. So, this shy girl declared that if they were going to lock her friends out they would have to lock her out as well. So, she ended up outside in the cold winter air as well. Now what were these girls to do, out in the cold. They decided to go find a phone and close by was the old stone church. They went there and called one of the girls parents and were picked up and driven home. So now the shy girl was no longer accepted by her new friends, so she chose to hang out with her friends from elementary school, not that she had ever really stopped but now she sat by them at lunch as well. (Lunch dynamics are extremely important, especially in middle school. Anyone who thinks otherwise is denying the truth. I won't quibble on this point--it is the truth and you know it). So, despite the fact that she was no longer accepted by her new friends, our shy girl still had a home at lunch. A couple months later in February, in the morning, before the bell rung for school to begin two of the shy girl's friends went to have a private conversation. One of the other girls asked if she could join and was allowed. This continued until all the girls were accepted into the "private conversation" except our shy friend. Now, she too asked. When she denied she figured they were kidding, so she chased them around the room a couple of times, but once she realized they were serious she went to her desk and allowed them to have their private conversation. A couple weeks later they threw her a surprise birthday party. While, it wasn't necessarily the best birthday party, it was thoughtful. Soon they started ignoring her though. And then they started saying mean things to her. They would hit her with their clarinet cases, throw away her gym lock (three times...). They made fun of her whenever they had a chance. And they rejoiced in any opportunity they had to show how much they disliked her. And of course she was banned from their table at lunch. Now our shy girl didn't know what she had done. Why were they accusing her of bragging when she told a friend in the class that she was going to sign up for the 800 meter race for the Hershey track meet since she had won it the previous year. And then go on to sign up for the same race and assure her that they would beat her at it. Once she asked them and they gave her a note saying she pried into her friend who sat next to her in class when she asked about a note when they had been cleaning out their desks. Their accusation that she was being nosy made no sense to her since she had been teasing, plus she already knew the basic idea of what the note her friend had said. The only thing she could conclude was that it must have come from the time she chased them around the room, but that didn't make sense if they had been planning a birthday party for her. Some friends from elementary school refused to get involved, which meant they wouldn't stand up for her when she was kicked off the row where she had her gym locker. It meant that they would not stand up for her when she was verbally and physically abused. And so she was virtually alone. At lunch she had no one to sit by. She had a brief reprieve when she went to band since they were in the other class, but she should not have been surprised that when the two classes were combined and she returned from getting her clarinet from the closet to find her book bag had unceremoniously been removed from it's place with the first clarinets and she was forced to join the third clarinets. While the clarinets in her band looked on sympathetically as she was forced to endure such humiliation, she moved to the back of the room and took her place. At least one of the third clarinets was good enough to be farther up but simply chose third because he liked playing the low notes (while this shy girl thrilled in playing the high notes and was allowed to do so since the first chair clarinet didn't really like to play them), at least his presence helped assuage the hurt and humiliation. There wasn't much she could do when in gym class they would exclude her from games (that sort of thing had happened before and she'd learned how to entertain herself while she did things alone--such as shooting a basketball or hitting a volleyball against the wall). And there was really nothing she could do if they did something to "accidentally" hurt her during class games. The time that hurt the most was when the huge ball used for crab kick ball and the leader of the group kicked it and it hit our shy girl right in the face, causing her glasses to slam into her face. The gloating look on the girl's face hurt more than the blow to the face. Since the girls from elementary school lived near her they rode the same bus alone. The shy girl soon learned that it didn't matter when she got to the bus stop, she would end up at the back of the line by the time the bus came. She no longer hurried to the bus stop, but rather took her time, sometimes even waiting until close to the time when the bus would arrive before making her way to the bus stop. One of the main girls of the group also went to church with this shy girl, causing Sunday to be another day of torture. Our shy girl was so relieved that she had moved up after her birthday. Unfortunately the other girl's birthday soon followed. She made a good show and nobody noticed anything out of the ordinary. The shy girl was already known to be quiet so no one would notice that she shrunk away and clammed up when the other girl was around. The shy girl knew that nothing she said could aid her cause. And so she endured it. Lonely--of course. Very, very alone. Eventually summer came. And then the fall. The shy girl was still deathly afraid of the girls from her elementary school. Luckily they were not in her classes. At lunch she avoided their table like a plague. She feared their harsh words and hard clarinet cases. In the cafeteria there were table and chairs and then along the walls were some plain benches for the overflow. People avoided having to sit on the benches at all cost. The shy girl was the same except when it came to the girls she feared. If the only open spots in the cafeteria were anywhere near where those girls sat she went to the benches. On the other days she sat alone among the crowd, taking any free chair she could find. Luckily, a month into school she received some good news--her family was moving across the country--Thank heaven.

Now, if you read that whole story and didn't like it, well, what can I say. You read it, no one wants to hear it, at least not anyone I've met. And if they do hear it they have something to say like kids are always mean or just get over it. Of course that is not the sole reason for my enormous fear of rejection, but it is definitely a big part of it. Take this as you will. By this point I can hardly remember what I've been speaking of at all in this post. And then it returns. I often feel like a failure in life. I try to not feel that way and I try to improve, but sometimes...sometimes. I know I can't live up to people's expectations. I've tried before. I'd rather work on trying to be who I want to be. Then do it you might tell me. Knowing the end goal and knowing how to get there aren't the same thing. This I do know. I'm trying (or at least trying to try). Perhaps I am doing it all the wrong way. Perhaps I need to just suck it up, go find any old job and pay my bills. Become independent. Work more. Be more social. Learn when to give up on things.

I don't know. What a lovely phrase. Perhaps, perhaps. I guess I need to find a way to have more hope in a better tomorrow. I need to not allow my pain and suffering to have any sort of effect on my level of happiness. I need to see life as good. I need to look at things more positively. I need to be a better friend. I need to... Who knows..."Not, I said the Pig"...not I. Can't I enjoy what I enjoy even though it might also bring in a bit of sorrow. What kind of job should I look for. How to I find motivation. I've been told repeatedly that I just don't have enough desire to change. How do I develop this desire...through hitting rock bottom or through hope. I don't want to hit rock bottom...then again there are lots of things I don't want to do. Like move in August, since that means I'll have to get rid of many of my precious possessions, 'cause I figure I can only take with me what will fit in my car. However, my possessions love me--unconditionally. Can you say the same? My books provide me comfort and escape. Oh, I forgot I shouldn't want to escape from life. I need to face up to my fears. Would you like me to add to the list of should's? I should be asleep right now, I should develop better self-esteem, I should not use should statements.

Well, since I do have to get up in the morning I think it's time for me to go. Ignore all of this mess I just wrote. I am okay, some of the most of the time. I just struggle sometimes...as I know we all do. I know people who have it much worse than I do. Hate me if you will, love me if you can. I'll find my way. The Lord is there to help me even when I am most alone. I can do all things in him...just gotta figure out what he wants me to do. He loves me, this I know--and that is enough for now. It is enough. If no one else ever found me worthy of love, he still will. He loves me--this I know and in this I trust.

Goodnight universe, good morrow world. (For better or worse this post has been written)

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Decisions

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions. Sometimes it is difficult for me to decide what to do with my time. It is not that I cannot think of anything to do, it's more that I can decide what to do out of all the possibilities. What would be the best use of my time? What should I do? What is most important? What would make me the most happy? What would be most productive? What would bring me the most joy? And sometimes as I consider these I also wonder if I even have enough energy to do them? Is that spot of time and spec of energy enough to call my friend? write a thank-you note? watch a movie and work on my cross-stitching? read a book? start typing up my journals? And so on. So what do I end up doing with my time? Well, it depends, but I've got to admit that something I end up spending all my time wondering and doing nothing (not the most productive use of my time, I know).

Faeries are fabulous, just in case you wanted to know.

Both of my arms are currently hurting. That also puts a kink in the "what should I do" question and search. I'm mildly concerned that the carpal tunnel is returning in my right arm (although I never was completely convinced that it was entirely gone in the first place). I am hoping that I can get some answers from my rheumatologist in the next few weeks as I have a couple appointments with him. However, I learned long ago not to expect doctors to have answers. Much of the time, perhaps even most of the time, they don't really have any answers (at least in my experience). Recently I have begun wondering if perhaps I have a sleeping disorder. It seems reasonably possible that my disordered sleeping is not simply caused by my lack of sleep hygiene nor simply my pain interferring with my sleep. Although, perhaps stress is another factor that disturbs my sleep as well. Perhaps I will never know. I'm sure I have been diagnosed with plenty of things already. I usually can't remember them all at any given moment.

Things are looking up for me...at least financially. Barring any more catatrophes or money drains, I'd say I might be able to go to the dentist in May (I need to go to the dentist so that he can glue one of my dental bridges back on--currently it can come completely off. It has been like that for a few months, actually, but I haven't had the time or money to do anything about it. I would also like the dentist to just check to see if I have any cavaties. I used to not have to worry about them, but now that I have had some, I figure it is always good to check to see if there are more and if there are to get them taken care of as soon as possible).

I've often wished for a machine that could scan my entire body and then print out a reading detailing everything that is wrong with my body. Wouldn't that make life much easier. But, at the same time, that might be overwhelming. Finding out too much at one moment might be more than a sane person could deal with. But still. I know a friend who might like such a machine. From what she tells me, she is dealing with something I've dealt with before and that is going to the doctor when you feel awful and having them tell you nothing is wrong--or at least they cannot determine what is wrong with you. Such happenings are extremely frustrating. If they continue over the years you might even begin to question your own sanity. Are you really in pain? Is your mind just making it up? Are you just trying to get attention, despite the fact that you prefer to fade into the background? Are you a hypochondriac? Maybe this is normal since it is normal for you. You also find that many people have no interest in hearing what's wrong with you. Your pain does not hurt them. They may even think you are making it up. Or they might advise you to simply move beyond it and get things done. And so you do, or at least try to as best you can.

I have a sort of theory, or hypothesis, about why my body is falling apart on me at this time. I have been very focused on college and on working toward my goal of graduating from college since I was in seventh grade. So, I have pushed my body and mind as far as I could in order to achieve my goal. I have done whatever I have felt was necessary in order to further my progress. I worked my butt off in high school so that I could get good grades (aka. A's) so that I would get accepted to BYU. Once at BYU I worked as hard as I could to do well in my classes and I tried to keep my academic scholarship as a way to help me be able to pay for my schooling, since I also had a goal of graduating from college without having to take out a loan (I almost made it and have mostly made peace with the fact that I didn't). One summer I worked 60 hours a week. I worked two jobs--8 hour days during the week and 10-hour days on the weekends. I continually pushed my body to wake up early or stay of late in order to finish homework. I carried around my backpack--fitting as much in it as I could before it was just too heavy. So, all this is an introduction to my theory, which is "My body if falling apart on me now because I pushed it so hard to achieve my goal of graduating from college." Now that might seem a little dramatic to some people, but I contiually told my body that it couldn't fall apart on my yet because I really had to finish that semester or I really had to work mucho hours in order to pay for school. And my body wasn't perfect. It broke down bit by bit. By my last semester I was only able to manage four classes and working around fifteen hours a week. And even then I felt like I was falling apart at the seams. Over the years my ability to think and process seems to have diminished. My ability to concentrate has decreased. (and I am not joking) I know that classes get harder as you move up in college; however, it is not just there that my mind and memory have failed me. I've always had some difficulty with remembering things, but in recent years it has gotten worse. Now, I try not to focus too much of my time and attention on this aspect of my life, but it is true. I figure it is wound up in with my other medical problems...most especially I see it as a part of my fibromyalgia. At times I wonder if it is just normal to have this sort of difficulty with remembering things, but I do know that I had a sharper memory as a child, even in high school and my beginning years in college. My memorization skills are failing. I feel like I graduated from college but am not sure of my ability to do anything. Whether it is my mind or body getting in my way. (Yes, I know I've included a number of fragments in today's entry, but I like fragments and I feel like they express what I want them to. I apologize if they annoy or confuse you.)

Confidence is an area I continue to need to work on. I've decided to be done with the previous topic for today, but I shall probably revisit it in the future. Well, my left arm is beginning to complain that I have typed for too long. Or perhaps it is just hurting more and I'm wanting it to hurt less. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you may be pursuing at this time in your life. Amen. Amen. And Amen.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

I tried to write a blog last night, but the internet hated me...so it didn't happen. And since today has been such a busy day, I haven't had time to write until now. I'm not really sure what to write about tonight. I'm quite fatigued, so I really should be getting ready for bed rather than writing...so I guess I shall make this a short post. I feel like I should write about something interesting, but what? I doubt anyone would find the pain and tingling I've been feeling in my right elbow tonight all that interesting. Nor does anyone care that I haven't slept very well lately.

Rain. Now there is a good topic. I love the rain. It is so beautiful and wonderful. The rain is one of the things I love about Virginia. I also like dancing in the rain...it's lots of fun. And of course I love the movie Singing in the Rain. It's a classic. I wonder if they will ever remake it? It seems like they remake tons of movies. Over the years I've been surprised by how many movies are based on books or on older movies. It's really quite astounding. I like old and new movies. I think they both have good to offer. Okay, like I said, short. Until next time...

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Tonight's post might be another one you want to skip. I haven't slept well lately, so by the time I get on here my mind is rather deadish. I can't even really think of what to write about. That is how dead my mind is. It is a fairly common occurrence for me (which made writing papers and doing homework doubly difficult). I hear the cure for writers block is to just keep writing though so maybe the same is true of the times when I feel like my brain isn't functioning. Sometimes I wonder how much of my difficulty thinking is caused by pain and how much by other forces such as lack of sleep. Perhaps, it is simply normal...no, I think not. Maybe I will learn more about it as I read up more on Fibromyalgia (I've let that slip lately, but I shall try to work at it...along with all the other things I need to work on).

I absolutely love books. I love reading books, I love owning books. I love libraries and bookstores. On amazon.com I have numerous wishlists that I fill with books that look interesting. Hundreds, perhaps even thousands of books. There are many books I hope to one day read. A few of my favorite authors are Gail Carson Levine, Jessica Day George, Anne McCaffrey (her Pern books!), Tamora Pierce, and Brandon Sanderson. I could go on forever listing authors I love--Jane Austen, Arthur Conan Doyle, Jenny Hansen, Marcia Lynn McClure, and Elizabeth Mansfield. One of my favorite types of novels are fairytale spin-offs. And I am a big fan of "happily ever after." And can't forget Dan Yates, Orson Scott Card, and Tolstoy, to say nothing of Madeleine L'Engle, Jane Yolen, and Patricia Wrede. (And Ursula K. LeGuin).

I was just reading back through that last paragraph and it certainly is not well-crafted, but that is what this blog is for--for me to write without letting myself get caught up in its imperfections. That is something that is a major block for me when it comes to writing. And of course the fear that what I'm writing is utter junk--junkabajunk even. I really did name this blog well, if I do say so myself. Perhaps sometimes I can take a jab at writing a quick something as part of this blog. A scene, a story idea, something. Google book is another wonderful tool. I love that I can access full text of some books. I like it very much and it came in handy when writing some of my research papers. Well, time continues to march on and I need to go and make some decisions...how soon should I start trying to fall asleep, should I take meds, etc. Signing off...And good night.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Dreamer...

I would recommend skipping yesterday's post. I am continually reminded that I love photography. I am by no means a master at it, but I do enjoy it. I might post some pictures on here, but I would like people's permission first, so not today. One of my friends let me take her bridals. I looked back at them yesterday. I enjoyed it. The lighting in some of them could have been better, but overall I am pleased with my work. I would love to take engagement pictures for friends (sometimes I wish I could take my own engagement pictures when the time comes, but that is not possible). I do often take pictures of myself using the techniques of mirror photography and pointing the camera back at myself and hoping for the best. I have quite a few of these sorts of pictures and I'm not sure if I'm vain or just like experimenting with the camera or want a record of the outfit I've put together. Perhaps it is a combination of all three.

Today I also remembered how much I enjoy children. I went over to my friend's house and played with her baby while she cleaned. She said her baby really likes me. I have been told that often enough throughout my life, but sometimes I wonder. I used to think taking care of children was a talent of mine. However, that notion was vehemently denied by my parents a few years back. That shook by faith in my ability to take care of children. I thought I had done a good job of helping raise my younger siblings, but perhaps I am mistaken. But, whether I am good with children or not, I do so enjoy them. They are fun to play with. And it doesn't hurt that they are generally very accepting. And they do the cutest things. I firmly believe that we can learn much from children. I look forward to the day when I have children, although I sometimes worry about my capability to be a good mother. I can promise my future children that I shall try my best.

One thing I love about my job is seeing the children and babies that come through my line (I work as a cashier at a local grocery store). I also enjoy many of my other customers. I have come to recognize a lot of the regular customers and they are kind to me. Some take the time to talk with me and they remember the things I tell them. Certain customers bring a smile to my face and I love seeing them. Working as a cashier is fatiguing and I have a hard time doing it full time, but I do enjoy it (despite the drawbacks). While I do enjoy my job, I should be looking for a new one. A difficult task, and not just because of the economic climate. I sometimes struggle with having confidence in myself. I spent many years with low self esteem. Sometimes I wonder if I am qualified for any job at all. My health problems make it more difficult for me to feel that I can guarantee anything since I never know when something else is going to go wrong with my health. But, having health problems means I need to get a job with benefits (the most important being health insurance). I know I'm the kind of person who insurance companies do not want since I use them on a regular basis (they much prefer the people who are in perfect health and never need to draw on them).

As you may be beginning to see, I can go on and on and on when it comes to writing--at least when my mind is in gear. As I mentioned before, my writing is not a masterpiece, but I think it is time for me to move beyond the desire to have everything I produce be a masterpiece. In high school my dad would remind me that I shouldn't compare myself with published authors and famous artists. I think that is reasonable, although I plan on being a published author someday. I dream of having books published--many of them, not just one or two, but as many as I can produce and that editors are willing to accept. To reach this goal I know that I need to spend more time writing. To achieve your goals you must work at them, and I am. Slowly...much more slowly than I would like. But hopefully one day I will have a complete novel manuscript, and then two, and then ten, and maybe even a book accepted for publication. It won't happen tomorrow and it may not have happened in ten years, but someday. Someday I will achieve my dreams. Writing and being an author are two of my most cherished goals in life. Perhaps some other day I will tell you about some of my other dreams, but for tonight it is time to say good-bye. (May the universe be with you...)

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Fog. My mind is full of fog, as it often is. And I wonder, how can I compete in life if I can't even think straight. While I may not always make sense, I can promise you that I shall try. Just keep in mind that I may be having difficulty thinking as I write. Perhaps this is how everyone feels, but I feel like it increases for me. Despite the fog that obscures my brain, I promise I shall try to make sense when writing this blog, then "at least no one can say I didn't try" (name that movie, eh. I not very good in that game, so I'll just tell you where it is from--Merry Mirthworm Christmas). But enough with fog.

Friends. Friends are wonderful! Heart to heart talks. Quality time spent together. Laughing together. Supporting one another. We all want good friends. But friendship requires effort. Work. I find that sometimes you have to bend a little. You won't see eye to eye on everything. You will not agree on everything (how boring that would be). I think I'm falling into cliches and be very boring. But just know, I am grateful for wonderful friends.

What consumes your brain power? What do you think of most of the time? I'm afraid thoughts such as "I'm tired," "I'm hungry," and "I hurt" are the thoughts most commonly found running through my mind. And at the moment all three of those things are bogging my mind down. So, I will go and try to rectify those and leave the writing for another time.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Origins

So, today I decided I wanted to create a blog. It is a pretty random decision, but now it is done. Most of you are probably wondering about the title of this blog. I'm not sure if it would even make sense to anyone other than myself and my brother Nathan. However, I will attempt an explanation. So, I like writing. I also like playing around with words--I like to make them my own. I used to call most everything junk. So in order to distinguish between regular junk and real junk, I created the term junkabajunk, to be used for true junk.

Now, knowing the basic origins of this word you might wonder why I would name my blog this. For one thing, I wanted to name it something that would be uniquely me. To my knowledge, no one else uses this word. Second, I dream of becoming a writer. Now I don't expect anything I write here to be a masterpiece, so it seems reasonable to consider it junk--mere meanderings of my brain.

At this point, I'm not sure how often I will blog, nor what I will end up writing about. While I love writing, I don't have much faith in my ability to write well. So, I guess this is a way to get me writing more and to an audience besides my journal. I don't expect that my blog will be widely read, but maybe a person or two will happen by it and take a moment to read and comment.

I could write for hours, but unfortunately (or fortunately, for you) I need to at least pretend like I am reasonable. Hence I shall leave off writing for the time and work on doing something more productive or more prudent--such as going to bed. So, to the universe I say--Hasta Luego.

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