Victory!

For some reason it seems to be pale, I don't know why, but whatever, you get the basic idea

Slightly Exhausted

Hi, I'm rather tired. However, this afternoon I had fun playing with a four-year-0ld. And while my arm now hurts and whatnot, that is okay, cause it was a lot of fun. My elbow hurts too and my arm hand was tingling/numbish. But I think it's betterish now. My doctor is going to have me start another round of the temporary medicine and then he wants me to get my SED rate tested again. I figure I'll set up an appointment with my doctor so that she can order it for me and then I can talk with her as well. Okay, so maybe my arms still are a bit numbish, but whatever.

I figure I have some things to figure out in my life--such as paying back my student loan. Such as a new job. I don't know if I've mentioned that subject before, but I think I'd like to work out some of my concerns in my mind by writing them here. So, what am I looking for in a new job--well it needs to be better pay, hopefully with benefits. As it is, come fall, even if I worked 40 hours a week at Day's I still wouldn't be earning enough money to pay my bills, so I need my income to increase. Also, I have very limited options when it comes to health insurance come fall and the best option would to be covered by my job. It would also be good if I got a job that was easier on my body--my doctors would like this and so would I. Let's define easier on my body--not too stressful (aka not editing or other demanding jobs), a job where I'm not required to stand all day (or sit all day, however it would be best if sitting was the majority, but where I get up sometimes too), and I can't think of what else. It would be good if it had a set schedule too.

Okay, that paragraph was starting to overwhelm me. What was I saying... It would be nice if I enjoy the job too. Also, because pain impairs my mental ability so I can't quite think straight, it would be nice if the job wasn't too mentally straining. Anyways. I feel like I'm getting lost in my explanation. Well, anyways, some of my concerns about going about and getting a job. Number one...my physical limitations. Now I know people can't refuse me for such reasons and whatnot, but they concern ME. Others might not see them as a problem, but they worry me a bit. Number two, how can I go get a job and then immediately start asking for time off for doctor appointments and whatever else--that does not seem responsible to me at all. Next, I'm not sure what is next...exhaustion...tiredness...etc...which makes job searching a bit of a difficulty. Especially with all the work that is entailed. Kind of what I have in my mind now is that I will continue to work toward getting a new job...slowly but surely...and hopefully the Lord will drop something in my lap later on this summer. I'm not sure I'm quite ready to give up being a part of the Day's Market community yet.

I'm hungry...I think I might buy a Little Ceaser's Pizza tonight... Right now I'm at Leading Edge:). I worked a bit on the Ward Directory. I think I like the cover I created for it. Maybe I'll see if I can upload a copy of it on here :). Well, I can't seem to get it to work, but I'll try another time. I would like to share it, 'cause I like it. And I think this is all I'm going to write for now all though there is plenty more I could write. But...whatever...we'll save all that for later...another time...

Wonderful

Sometimes I begin to think of all the wonderful things I'd like to learn. Such as photography, web design, and all sorts of other wonderful and marvelous things. I'd like to learn more about photoshop. Creativity is a wonderful thing, as well.

I've been getting quite exhausted lately. And of course I'm pretty much always tired and hurting. But that's normal. Music is also wonderful. Good books and movies, too. And friends and good conversations. I like musicals.

This is a short one, I know. But that's about all my mind can seem to get out...I did mention that I'm rather exhaustedish and that messes with my ability to think. TTFN

The Future

I hurt. I know that is nothing new but it remains to be true. So this morning I was thinking a bit about the future (aka this Fall). I've been feeling quite exhausted lately. This causes me to wonder a bit about my abilities...but at some point I need to move beyond that and find a new job...something I keep realizing is important for me to do before Fall. I'm barely making it financially as it is. When Fall hits my expenses will increase...which means I need to be bringing in more money at that point in order to have any hope of making ends meet. I had a dream last night where rent went up and so I was trying to find somewhere else to live...that is what prompted me to think about the future some more and on my current income, there is no way I'll make it. So, I need to job search and yet as of yet I am not motivated enough to go searching for a new job. Right now I have a job where I have customers and co-workers who care about me...that is going to be a bit hard to give up.

I feel kind of like my mind is rather blank...that could be caused by the tiredness and pain. Sometimes it is hard to push through life. Perhaps I just need a better attitude, as some people think. So, my friend just asked how I was doing and this was my response "I'm tired, I hurt, and I don't want to deal with life." And the wise response is "Life is never so bad that it can't get worse." So true, so true. But that doesn't necessarily make dealing life that much easier...maybe a bit. Life is what it is and I shall make it...somehow.

I like facebook and that it helps me keep in contact with my friends. I'm so tired. I wish I could just go back to sleep rather than facing a full day. Art is wonderful by the way. Anyways, life is crazy and I guess I'm pessimistic. Anyways. Life is what it is and I'll survive. Until next time.

While at work

So, today while I was at work I wrote down some thoughts that I wanted to write in here. So, here it goes. Are you sure everyone else isn't in pain all the time? Maybe only some aren't. It seems like people are often in pain or not feeling well--right? There are plenty others who have backs and heads that hurt--arms, or legs, or ankles, etc. Surely there are plenty others who are in pain all the time. On Friday I went to a massage therapist who looked at and massaged my arms. So now I wonder how much of my pain is caused because of muscles or something like that. Anyways. For the next week he wants me to each night do this thing where I put my arms in ice cold water for 30 seconds, then in warm water for 3 minutes...back and forth six times each. But, I didn't do it last night...part of my folly of last night. I wasn't so smart...I ended up spending lots of hours reading and whatnot...but it wasn't even that great of a book...but whatever...

It seems like I am generally out of it. Me duele la cabeza :(

I was going to write about other stuff but my ability to concentrate is dwindling. Tomorrow I go to that career workshop thing again...I don't want to but I will anyway. Sometimes/often I get annoyed way too easily and it seems like I don't really want to face life currently. I would much rather escape into books and whatnot. And yeah...I think that's all for tonight.

hopefully patient

So, this will probably be a rather short post since I want to watch a movie before I go to bed (in my defense, I took a nap between work and Leading Edge, so the likelihood of me falling asleep before midnight anyway is practically nil). As for the title, tonight I was thinking about how much more patient I am than I used to be. When I was a teen I coined the following phrase: "Patience is a virtue, that I haven't got." I loved that phrase, but since that time I have had many a lesson in patience and I'm sure I'll have plenty more in my life, but the point is that I a much more patient than I used to be. As for hope, well I'm sure that is something I could work on, but I think the fact that I don't give in to despair sufficient proof that I am not completely void of hope.

As is usual, I'm in lots of pain. In some ways I feel like the amount of joint pain I'm regularly experiencing is increasing. I could be wrong, but still. It is most definitely increasing in joints that didn't bother me too much before...such as my hip, and elbow, and such. But, such is my life. It is sad, but in some ways I'd like to have RA just as a way to explain all the pain I am in, not that I don't have enough diagnoses already.

Today it was once again confirmed to me that copy editing is not my calling in life, and really not something I really enjoy. I'm okay with substantive editing, but copy editing, well, yeah, not my cup of tea. I have been SO thirsty today. It is somewhat annoying. I have drunk over 150 oz. of water and still my tongue is dry and I am way thirsty. Frustration. But whatever.

Well, i should start the movie soon, but I had a bit to say and I wanted to share it. I hope you are having a wonderful day!

Life is good...more or less

Hi, so I finally found Lydia's blog :) (go facebook!). And tomorrow I'm attending a career workshop thing. I don't necessarily want to go, but I need to, so I'm going, want to or not. I'd much rather stay up late reading or such and then sleep in. Instead I get to drag myself out of bed at a way to early of an hour (8AM) and spend my entire day learning how to go about getting a job--what fun. It was a pretty day outside today.

I'm not sure that this will be that long of a post. My mind feels kind of out of it, and my arms are hurting. I tried to help my friend get her sport kite flying, and apparently my arm is taking exception to me trying to throw it up into the air--go figures. But whatever. Kites are awesome!

I went to the library today--oh how I love books! They are so wonderful. And they make me happy :), and yeah. I'm not sure how early I should try going to bed...probably around eleven, so maybe I can get in half an hour of reading before I have to start getting ready for bed. Hasta Luego, hopefully my next post will be more interesting.

Me duele...

So, I'm going to write a quick blog post and then go to bed, since it is late and I'm not feeling the greatest (yesterday I discovered the following warning on the new medicine I'm taking: "This medicine may lower your ability to fight off infections. Avoid contact with people who have contagious diseases." LOL, like I can do that). Anyway. Tonight I watched "Enchanted." It is one of my favorite movies. I've been hurting a lot today. Tonight I tried to look at doing some cross-stitching, but that caused a bunch of pain in my arms, so I couldn't work on anything. I think sometimes I wish there was even more wrong with me--perhaps as an excuse to spoil myself, or at least a way to justify spending more time trying to take care of myself. Currently, my arms do hurt and that does limit me some, but at least with my job, I plan to use my arms until I just can't take the pain anymore, when it becomes unbearable, like it was in March.

It is sometimes hard to be limited by my arms...to not be able to do things I want to do because of the pain it will cause. It can be frustrating at times. I really should go to bed. That would probably help my headache. I took a nap earlier, so we will see what kind of luck I have with sleeping, but I did take the new meds to help me sleep, and it's been working fairly well, so hopefully it will help tonight. It's a good thing I can sleep in tomorrow, but I can't sleep in too late, 'cause I need to go to my internship in the afternoon. Ta ta for now :)

PS There will be more interesting posts sometimes...I promise...soon I'll write one on faeries...

More medical...

So, it's been awhile since I wrote on here. So, my SED rate is 25 now, so my rheumatologist put me on another medicine. I think I need to learn more about anatomy so that I can have a better idea of what is going on with my body. So, I'm starting to keep track of the money I spend on medical expenses, on the off chance that some year they will allow me to get lower taxes or something like that. I haven't got everything for this year in there yet, but it is already over a thousand dollars, so I am well on my way. Whether I make it for this year or not kind of depends on how things go with lowering my inflammation and whether or not any other medical disasters happen in my life or something like that...we'll see, but I figure it is a good idea for me to get in the practice of keeping track of it. I'm also trying to compile as complete a medical record for myself as I can. I usually take notes when I am at the Doctor, but they are scattered here and yon. So, that will be a big project, but I now have Monday off--one of my co-workers needs more hours and she has school off on Monday, so I willing gave it to her. I'll be sure to get in a few hours for Rick Walton. Yesterday I was going to try and get four hours in for him, but I only got three, but then as I was leaving I ran into Valerie Holladay, so that was wonderful. It was good to talk with her and she pointed out that I have good things going on in my life--such as my internship with Rick Walton, so while life is a swirling mass of who-knows-whatsit, I'm surviving...it's kind of like I'm in the middle of a hurricane...So, we'll see what life brings. But apparently this time of life that is so uncertain and whatnot can be good for you...It has been for other authors.

Wow, so that was kind of a long paragraph. Today I woke up hurting a fair bit, and I don't expect that to change much. But I think most of my pain right now it arthritis related, because I think my fibromyalgia pain isn't as bad...partially because most of my pain right now centers around the joints...although I'm not sure that my head it necessarily a joint...but whatever...it always like to hurt and I'm not necessarily sure why it has been hurting so much lately, especially right now. Oh, well. And my lymph nodes have been hurting some, but I figure that can be related to the inflammation. At least that sounds reasonable to me. And I really can't account for all the pain in my body, but that's okay.

Well, I need to get to work on other things, but hopefully it won't be too long a time before I post again. Hasta Luego.

Randomness and so forth

Where to begin...I've thought of numerous things to write about throughout the day...unsurprisingly most of them medical related. This might end up being in lots of random orderness. So, this morning I went to my rheumatologist. And he wants to focus on bringing down my overall inflamation level, which is a good thing, but hard for me imagine happening, since as far as I know I've never had a SED rate under 13 and he wants to get me down to a 2. So, we'll see. He is not really willing to focus on all the randomness in my body until then. He says the tingling in my elbow cannot be caused by carpal tunnel since it involves a different nerve. So, back to ignoring it all as best I can, well not necessarily ignoring it, but trying to not allow it to worry me.

Oh, and apparently as far as individual health insurance goes, I am pretty much uninsurable since I have fibromyalgia. There are a couple of options, but my best bet is to get on a group health plan either by getting a job with medical coverage, or something like that. Random tingling and pain can be frustrating...just in case you wanted to know. At the moment I am having random tingling on the left side of my face next to my nose. Like I said, random.

Today I also looked more into getting a new job...and what little I did was rather exhausting to me and the job search process is rather daunting, plus my doctor did ask if I thought I could actually work full time...but as I told her...what other options do I have...not any good ones that I can see. And so, the search must go on. And we will just hope and pray that things can get worked out with my body.

I used to loathe medicine. I was not at all fond of it, especially prescription medicine. So, you have an idea of how ironic it is that the following thought crossed my mind this evening:"Medicine is a good thing, at least for me." LOL, but it's true. Without medicine I'd have a bit more difficulty attempting to function. I stuggle with that as is.

Writing tip of the day: Just get started--do whatever it takes...tell yourself you just have to write one paragraph, promise yourself rewards, whatever...the important thing is to get started, and once you do it is generally easy to keep going. (Tip courtesy of my internship with Rick Walton.)

Music is wonderful and random pains are not.

I think I may have just taken the wrong medicine...hopefully that won't be a problem...It shouldn't be, but I'll eat something just to make sure I'm okay. This post probably won't be long 'cause my arms are hurting (good thing I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning). This will also probably be a short post 'cause I'm rather tiredish and my mind isn't working so well at the moment.

I would like to tell you about a little miracle. So, I've been getting some really bad headaches lately, and I figure it is because I've been wearing the wrong prescription of glasses since sometime in February, when my glasses broke. And since then I've just had lots of doctor bills so I haven't been able to afford to go to the eye doctor. But, this weekend I found a more recent old pair of glasses, so now my headaches aren't as bad. These glasses are a newer prescription and they are much nicer looking/cuter. They are held together on one side by wire since the screw is gone and the hole is stripped. But yeah. I'm happy, I just have to be careful to not push too hard on the lense when I'm wiping them clean.

On a related note I'm finally going to make it to the dentist this week. My dental bridge keeps coming off, and I figure it really is high time to get it fixed. And my arms are really hurting, especially my right arm, so ta ta for now.

Books, Movies, and Music

Hi...so the fingers on my right hand are definitely tingling right now...and I've got a major league headache...but it's raining nice and hard which is wonderful. So, lately instead of writing in here I have been escaping into books...what can I say...Books are awesome! I'd love to escape into a book today as well, but I can't 'cause Saturdays are busy days...Leading Edge, Internship, and work. Not all books are complete escapes...since they often cause me to think, sometimes about issues in my life I am trying to ignore for the moment...ah, well... So, guess what, pain makes it more difficult to think, a problem I believe I am having right now. I also think I often don't want to confront what I may being thinking or worrying about...And I find plenty to worry about. It's no wonder I like to escape into books.

I love music. And Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire are awesome...I love their music and movies! Danny Kaye is also way awesome. And of course you can't forget people like Audrey Hepburn, Katherine Hepburn, Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart, and the list goes on and on. I also like Drew Barrymore, Hugh Jackman, Meg Ryan, and others. There is so much good music in the world and love that Pandora can link me to so much of it. I love music! Now I'm not like some people who need it like 24/7, but I still really love and love how it can brighten my life and help me sleep and help me relax and calm down, etc.

So, sometimes uncertainty can cause stress. I think I am often unwilling to admit things I truly wish and long for, especially to others. I am much better than I used to be. I think a part of me feels like if I admit what I want it will just cause me to want it more and thus be even more disappointed when I lose the possibility of it happening or something like that. I know I didn't express that very well. I know I am generally working in abstracts rather than concretes. I know that is something I need to work on in my writing. What should I do to work on concretes...I think fiction is often an easier medium for concretes--less threatening you know. At times I can move beyond caring...but oh so many times I can't...not good, not good at all. Throw it all to the wind...fears restrain me...silly, stupid fears.

There are many things I'd like to learn how to do. One of those is web design...I know I should have taken the classes when I was at BYU, but I didn't. I just wasn't in the program. I needed to graduate. But I would like to learn. The Leading Edge website needs lots of work. It makes me sad to see it so pathetic. The older version was much, much better. I should also work just generally on my design skills. Make up projects for myself, something like that. Explore and learn. There is still so much I do not know.

Sometimes I am such a silly person. I live a lot in my brain. I know we all live in our own brains, but still... sometimes I feel like I don't have a ton of interhuman communication. Hmmm. Oh-well, I guess. Don't you just love it though when there are people you really connect with! I do. People who you feel like just understand you even without knowing you, or with knowing you. There are also various levels of connection. Any connection is good, but the higher levels are more like miracles...inexplicable and wonderful.

Well, it's time for me to get going with my day...Leading Edge, Internship, Work...