The good and the bad

My SED rate is back up to 30, but on the good side my Rhematoid factor is still negative. I didn't expect my expect my SED rate to be so high, but I figured it would be higher since I've been hurting so much lately. I have a feeling my Rheumatologist won't be quite pleased with my SED rate, but whatever. I haven't felt like doing much lately. Right now I'm watching "Guys and Dolls," but I am also doing my laundry so I am being semi-productive.

I'm a bit tiredish. I should still at least try to be somewhat productive tonight. TTFN

Just Keep Swimming...

Arrrrgh. ... I guess I need to learn to be a better people person, or at least improve my skills at interacting with people--improve them a lot. It doesn't help that I'm tired, and stressed and worn out, a bit worried, and of course hurting. I have gotten a lot done, thought, the past couple of days with the help of one of my friends. It would have taken me weeks to get done what we got done in two days. So, there's been a lot of progress made on packing my stuff, but now I kind of need to focus on all the other things I need to get done before I move. A lot of the things I need to get done before I move, well, I can only do them, but then, there are things I can't seem to do because it is either too overwhelming or I don't have enough energy, but people don't understand not having enough energy to cook soup, or spaghetti, etc. So, such is life. I will survive. And I'll just have to not worry about things such as my arms starting to hurt more, my speedometer sometimes staying at zero, etc.

Well, I guess I'd best get going on at least some of that stuff that I need to get done. Hasta Luego.

When You Can't Sleep

So, it's been awhile since I last wrote. I'm sorry that I haven't written much lately, but life is kind of busy and stressful and even overwhelming at times. I have SO much to do before I move home and to get ready to move home. The last couple of days I've started to have people ask me if I'm doing ok. LOL. I usually feel horrible, but generally it is not visible to other people (one of the trademarks of Fibromyalgia). I chatted online with Emily last night, which was wonderful and definitely brightened my day. People have offered help, but it is hard for me to say--I have no energy to prepare food for myself. Would you cook this spaghetti/rice/soup/etc. up for me. It just sounds so ridiculous! But really that would help me. The one person I feel sort of comfortable asking about doing such hasn't been at church the past couple of weeks, so...yeah. Sometimes I still wonder if it is all just in my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I really do have FM, but then as I think about it I always come to the conclusion that I do have it. At times I was successful at reasoning away having depression, but I never seem to succeed with Fibromyalgia (and I did have depression and am still taking medication for it).

So, the reason I'm writing at this early hour is 'cause I can't sleep. Even though I took my sleep meds, still I woke up in the middle of the night (which still happens with my sleep meds), but unlike other times, I can't fall back asleep. After 45 minutes I generally feel that it is pointless to keep tossing and turning and trying to ignore the aching and hurting. So, I turn on my computer (I don't have a booklight yet so I can't read). Now...I'm making some calls.

I'm hungry, maybe I'll go eat some breakfast. TTFN:)

Variousness

Another day is almost done. Today after church I went up to Pleasant Grove, UT, and recorded some of the memories my mom's uncle Milton has of my mom's parents. It was very enjoyable. Life can be crazyish, but that's okay. Sometimes it is difficult to decide what to do with my time. I think part of my problem is wanting it to be the "BEST" use of my time.

Do you ever feel like you're failing at life? I do. Especially when I hear my roommates talking about what they do and have done in life and what they expect others to do. And that's where I fail. But whatever. I'm just going to try and keep my life in line with the Lord and try to live so that I am always worthy for His advice. I mean there is some good things in what they're saying, but I guess I feel like their words are condemning me and yeah, so yeah. I guess my mindset is what is messed up.

"Someday my prince will come..." and he won't be perfect, but I'll love him and he'll love me and with a lot of work we'll be happy. Life will continue to be quite hard...but we'll make it, with the Lord's help. I'm willing to be patient though. I don't expect I'll get married anytime soon. It is something I look forward to in my life, and something I want to work towards, but yeah.

"Learn to take advice from people who care about you, even if you don't use it..." or something like that...I just heard my roommate Jesse say it, I'm not sure if I got the part after the comma right though--but it was that basic idea.

This last week wore me out quite a lot. And caused my carpal tunnel to flare up...oh well. I'm not working much this next week though. But, I still need to try and get a bunch of stuff done!

I need to decide what time I'm going to go to bed tonight. And what time I'm going to try and get up tomorrow. I should really try to get on a better sleep schedule...but things like not getting home from work until midnight doesn't help any. I keep getting scheduled 7 AM-4PM one day and 4-11:30PM the next. Luckily I've had coworkers who will trade or take the 7AM shift for me. I'm not too fond of getting up that early.

I like writing. I need to do it more often and be more diligent about it. Take small steps if needed, but I need to keep taking steps! Just small steps...over and over and over, until I reach success. It's a long road, but I do believe I can set and reach achievable goals. We had a lesson in Relief Society today about making goals and taking actions and whatnot. One girl quoted Yoda--"Do or do not, their is no try."

Sometimes I think we could all be a bit more tolerant. I know I need to work on being less judgemental and whatnot. "Judge not that ye be not judged."

I hope I can get my car fixed this week. I hope to take it in on Tuesday. Especially since it is getting hotter and not even being able to have the fan on makes it even more hot in my car (I don't have AC). We'll I guess I'm going to get going...Hasta Luego.

I'm exhausted

I am so exhausted. One more day to go...I'm working almost 40 hours this week and it's killing me. Good thing I am only working 15 hours next week (I was scheduled for more, but gave it to someone who wanted more hours--I'll just have to try and get lots of hours in at my internship). My arms are hurting too. I've been fairly clumsy the last few days. I'm serious when I say my body does not like me working so much. It is not so happy with me. Today I spent $110 on meds :(. I know that's not a ton of money, but it seems like it to me at the same time. And today I even got off work early, so i didn't even work a full 8 hours. When I got home today i took an hour nap 'cause i was just too exhausted to do anything. Then i ate some dinner and finished reading a book that's due Monday. I'm probably going to go see a movie tonight with my roommate and some of her friends (she said she'd pay for me--there's no way I can afford it).

I've been spending too much money lately, especially on food. I need to get better at that. I have so much to do before I move home. A couple of people have offered help though, so I plan on taking them up on it...'cause i really do need help. I'm using movies to help keep me sane. I can do this, I can make it through life...as was mentioned in the book I finished reading--After much tribulation comes the blessing. And the people in the book experinced lots of tribulation, so, I can make it. I can do this. Somehow, someway...relying on the Lord to lift me up and keep me from falling down too hard.

I've been packing up some of my books and mailing them home. Hopefully my uncle can store some of my stuff out here. Maybe I won't go to the movie. Well, TTFN