I've decided I need to get some pictures on my blog, particularly one of me. Which, actually wasn't why I decided to write a new blog post, although photography is a hobby of mine, though I'm not particularly splendid at it. But, why I decided to write, now doesn't seem as demanding a subject, which is a poor reflection on me since I was going to write about the death of a high school boy in my community. It is sad, especially since he has a twin brother, but in my defense I do not know them and am actually fairly removed from the Buena Vista community at the moment. It is rather sad, I know. I think losing someone so close to you, such as a twin would be difficult. I don't have much understanding when it comes to people dying since death hasn't really touched my life much. And, I must admit, that do kind of have a skewed vision of death. See, I moved a number of times as a child. And in general all the people that were near and dear to my heart at the time were separated from me, I had no more contact with them, and while there is always a slim chance that I'd meet them again--it was and is slim. And so in a way, moving is like death. You are no longer in contact, your lives have gone in separate directions. It is true what they say: "You can't go back to when you were happy." All you can do is move forward, though the past will always be a part of you.
In this modern age we have many more ways to keep in contact, and it does help. I mean earlier I was reading Camilla's blog and it was almost like have her near for a moment. Not as wonderful as seeing her in person, but certainly an uplift. But even then, it is pretty much impossible to stay in contact with everyone. It's not that I don't care for people, it's just...I don't even know. I do what I can, I try. I don't know what my future holds. I really have like no clue. It's kind of like walking into the dark and not being sure what's there. It's a bit frightening, though I do not fear per se, since I know the Lord will guide me, but it's kind of scary nonetheless. Plus, I have to do my part and I'm not completely sure what that is exactly, but I'm trying. I do spend a lot of time in pursuits that are perhaps not the most productive of activities. But, I am trying to get better and I am trying to figure out how to navigate my life.
I have many dreams and hopes for the future. I have the future I'd like tucked away in my heart. I would love to be a wife, mother, and author. However, at the moment I am not really close to achieving any of those goals/dreams. So, I'm trying to figure out how to make money to support myself. I have a BA in English. I did minor in editing, and I enjoy book layout and design. I would like to learn more about design and whatnot and have even started considering getting a degree in Graphic Design. Book design is something I enjoy and something that could possibly work out as a job for me. That is good. It all sounds good, right? So, why do I hesitate...well, for one thing, education costs money. I need money in order to get another degree. Getting a degree takes time, thus limiting the time I have to earn money in. If I moved back to Utah Valley, which would be my preference, I'd like to return to interning for Rick Walton, I'd want to got to Leading Edge at least once a week--preferably more, I'd like to work at the temple, and I could always see about interning for Cedar Fort's production department.
And all that doesn't even throw my health issues into the equation. My doctor once asked me if I was sure I could work 40 hours a week. At the time I told her "what other choice is there?" However, since then, I've moved home, because I literally couldn't work enough hours to pay my bills. And I'm really not sure if I could work 40 hours a week. I'd like to think I could. I mean, one summer I worked 60 hours a week the entire summer...unfortunately I believe doing things like that, may have contributed to my body's increased complaints of recent years. Sometimes I wonder if my knowledge of some of what is wrong with me hinders my ability to cope with and navigate through life. Is it "all in my mind"? I'm not sure I have an answer.